Pushing Past My Feelings

(I wrote this earlier today...)

I am sitting in the terminal at Love Field Airport in Dallas, TX waiting to catch a flight back to San Antonio. In the past 36 hours I have:

· Called on prayer warriors to bathe my latest house hunting trip in prayer
· Declared, in faith, that I was going to Dallas with the goal of coming home with a "new address"
· Left my kids "home alone" to navigate a few hours on their own (last night) and to get themselves up and out the door (this morning) without adult supervision
· Spent the better part of yesterday looking at 12 homes with my agent and ruling most of them out
· Met with Marty (my husband) to scrutinize the three "finalists" on the list
· Ruled out two of the three (on the spot), leaving us with house #3 that required a stretch (on all levels)
· Climbed into bed exhausted and wondering what to do about house #3
· Woke up, planning to talk our options through, only to discover that it wasn't "business as usual" at ATT this morning. Marty had to head to the office. House decisions would have to hold until the weekend.
· Cancelled my 1/2 day with the agent.
· Switched my return ticket to an earlier flight.
· While waiting to depart, my agent called. Because of additional information she just received, house #3 is no longer a viable option.
· We are back to square one - no house.

I feel like a failure. I am discouraged. The doubt (did we pick the right city?), the anxiety (we only have five weeks until the kids start school in Dallas), and the despair (our list of wants/needs isn't making our search easy) are creeping in. I do not feel like a strong Christian. I do not feel like a woman of deep faith. I am struggling to hold on to hope. I hate being in this place of uncertainty.

So this is my confession, Lord. I am overwhelmed. From experience, I know that the only way out of this is to push past my feelings and recount what I know about You. So here we go...these are the tangible ways I have seen Your hand at work confirming the city of Flower Mound as our new hometown:

• The two high schools we visited both had visible signs of Your presence...posters announcing Bible studies, Young Life activities, a counselor with a Scripture rock on his desk.
• Both high schools have strong band programs with great directors
• After contacting a former member of our church, who now resides in Flower Mound, I received a lengthy email detailing the city, a vibrant church, Bible studies and community. She also extended an invitation to dinner and a tour of the nearby church whenever we are ready.
• Surprise! I received three additional emails from friends of the former church member who also live in Flower Mound. They spoke high praises for the school system, community, and churches. (Methodist church)
• I contacted someone (daughter of one of our former pastor's) who is now a girls' senior high youth director at a local church (Lutheran church) in Flower Mound. She also spoke highly of the area and gave me great feedback on both of the high schools and churches nearby. She offered to meet my teenage daughter (over the Christmas break) so that she would know someone before she actually moved to Flower Mound.
• A law student in nearby Ft. Worth (former youth at UUMC) found out we were moving to Flower Mound and offered to take us to her church (Matt Chandler's) and get our kids connected in the youth program. She drives 45 minutes each Sunday in order to attend church in Flower Mound - loves the church!
• Found out our real estate agents are both strong Christian women. One of them also happens to have grown up in St. Louis (my home town), attended college at Missouri State University (Marty & my alma mater), pledged the same sorority as me, and has a brother-in-law who is youth pastor at nearby church (Lutheran). How small of a world is that?!
• Contacted a friend's cousin, who lives in Flower Mound, and just so happens to be the Assistant Superintendent of the Lewisville School District (school district for Flower Mound). We were able to talk to her and get more information about the schools (all good) and received a friendly offer to meet us anytime we were in town & and an invitation to attend their church (Chuck Swindoll's) with her and her husband.

I feel better. Once again, I see the evidence of Your fingerprints all over this move. You have gone before us to Flower Mound. You have prepared a place for us. We just haven't found it yet. Yet.

I am claiming the Scripture that was a part of my daily reading today. I have been speaking these words for weeks without realizing they were actually Your Word. Thank You for putting them in front of me, this day, when I needed them most. No wonder I have been clinging to them so tightly.

"I am counting on the LORD; yes, I am counting on him. I have put my hope in his word." --Psalm 130:5

I do believe. Help my unbelief. And please, Lord, show us the right home for our family. I am counting on You. In the mighty Name of Jesus. Amen