It has come to my attention that whenever You ask me to consider something that I don't understand...or that is anxiety producing (big picture)...or something that I would like to happen but I'm afraid of hoping for it and then being disappointed if it doesn't...I just shut down. I close myself off from You because I don't want to look at it.
It doesn't occur to me to say, "I don't like the way this makes me feel...but I'm just going to sit with it and You...and wait for You to speak to me about it. I'm going to open myself to the possibility that if You want me to be a part of this, then You will give me the courage to face my fears."
It is more like I am saying, "I don't like how this makes me feel so I'm going to tuck it away and You'll have to bring it up, again later, if You want me to seriously consider it.
God, You know this about me. I tend to push You aside whenever I don't understand what You are doing or saying.
Where is my faith?
There isn't any maturity in this approach.
It is time for me to grow.
Lord, give me the courage to look at Your bigger plan even though it is beyond my comprehension and requires me to grow in uncomfortable ways. Help me to remember You are trustworthy. I don't want my faith to be a reflection of my own inadequacies. I want my faith to reflect who You are...
"For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
Your faithfulness reaches to the skies."
-- Psalm 57:10
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