Fear Not

"When they had rowed three or three and a half miles, they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified. But he said to them, "It is I; don't be afraid." --John 6:19-20

Wednesday - After lunch, I return to my room and my journals. There is still an hour and a half before my appointment with Father Kelly. Events from Years 3 and 4 are added to the growing list. The command to "Stand firm!" continually echoes through the pages. Scripture after scripture testifies to the Lord's order not to turn tail and run.

Through a multitude of relationships and experiences, I see how the Lord continues to challenge me in this area:

* Walk alongside this friend even though it will be messy.
* Say "no" even though it will damage your relationship with the one you deny.
* Dance with Me even though you risk being misunderstood.
* Pray for another even though it will break your heart.
* Speak the truth in love even though you dread the consequences.
* Write about your struggles even though you will feel exposed and vulnerable.
* Move your family even though it means leaving your church and your friends.
* Share your stories even though there is no guarantee that it will make a difference.
* Stand in the gap for others even though it means the enemy will breathe down your neck.
* Grieve with Me over the sins of My people even though it means suffering like you have never known.
* Take up your cross and follow Me even though it means dying to yourself.

Stand firm even though it will cost you much...
Even though it will cost you everything.

It is the cost that keeps me from choosing easily. Saying "yes" to Jesus means saying "no" to myself...to my pride, to my fear, to my doubt. It is clear that Jesus wants all of me. And each time I stand firm in my faith and follow where he leads, I give him access to those places within myself that need encouragement, healing, strengthening, and correction.

Thank You, Lord, for Your grace and mercy.

My stomach decides to stage a revolt. After multiple trips to the bathroom it occurs to me that my insides are purging in concert with the processing of the last two years. With only thirty minutes until my appointment, I begin praying in earnest,

Lord, I am seeing Father Kelly, soon. Please restore order to my body so that I can keep my meeting.

Five minutes before my meeting, I offer up one more prayer and head to Father Kelly's cabin. The concrete path winds through a stand of palm trees and other brush. I stop a short distance from what appears to be a large, black hose laying across the path. My heart beats a little faster as it begins to move. I watch as all six feet of it slowly slithers into the brush to my right. When I resume walking, the snake stops his progress and turns to look at me. I look at him. We both go our separate ways. Very odd.

I reach the steps of Father Kelly's cabin at the same time he does. The small wooden dwelling is built on stilts and overlooks a small clearing. He invites me in and I take a seat in the screened in porch. Father Kelly excuses himself while he removes his hat and jacket. Hearing a small sound at the screen door, I turn to investigate. A cat sits on the top step, his face pressed to the screen, peering wistfully inside. It is obvious he is a regular visitor.

Father Kelly takes a seat opposite me. How to describe this holy man? He is elderly but I have no idea how old. Gray hair cropped in a no nonsense crew cut. Tall, slender build. Tanned skin testifies to time out in the elements. Sturdy glasses frame piercing blue eyes. There is something ageless about him.

I take a deep breath and begin a brief overview of the last several years of my faith journey including my Sabbath Year, past visits to Lebh Shomea, our family's move, my call to pray for others, and my writing.

All the while I am talking, I am conscious of the way in which he is listening. He watches my hands as I move them to emphasize a point. He is fully present to me and my story. I am the only thing that matters in that moment. It is a blessing to be received in such a way.

I speak to him of my ongoing struggle with fear; of writing a book for which I have no words, of following God into the unknown; of my brushes with the enemy. He listens carefully. I offer up a sample of my writing A Strong Hedge - Prayer Part 1. He scans the article and makes no comment about anything he reads. Instead he asks me questions which I do my best to answer:

Q: "What is your purpose in giving this to me?"
A. "I wanted you to understand the intensity of the warfare I have experienced."
Q: "What does your husband think of your writing?"
A: "He supports me and encourages me to continue to follow God down this path."
Q: "What did your pastor have to say about this ?" (refers to my writing sample)
A: "He checked my words for theological soundness and believed that what I wrote was of God."

After a few questions about the book with nine chapters, Father Kelly turns to the subject which has brought me to this place. Fear. He begins to speak; slowly measuring each word,

"Fear of the unknown keeps us from living = death."

"Job's initial understanding of God was '---' (he uses a word I am unfamiliar with but implies Job's friendship with God). Job's friends understood God to be legalistic. The truth is that God is God. He is more than we can understand. He is answerable to no one. He cannot be measured or defined by man."

"The mystery of the unknown is fear - man's need to be in control."

"The reality of the mystery of God is peace."

"When Jesus walks on the water he tells his disciples to 'Fear not; It is I.' (John 6:20) If we are in Christ then there is no need to fear. You must submit. You must surrender your fear, your need for control. Embrace the mystery of God and accept that He IS."

With his last statement it is clear that our time is finished. I thank him and leave the cabin...puzzled, unsatisfied, humbled.

I need to think about what Father Kelly has said. He didn't give me what I wanted. He gave me what I needed. My spirit already knows this even if it is taking longer for my brain to come to the same conclusion. I came expecting to hear something else and my disappointment initially gets in the way of the wisdom that he shared. I had hoped he would validate my fears. Instead he challenged me to refocus my eyes on Christ.

With new clarity, I laugh at my own naive hopes that he would tie everything up in a neat little package with a pretty bow. Instead, he pushed me out into the vast, undefinable mystery that shrouds the great I AM. Walking with God means walking in the mystery that is a part of Him. Can I surrender my fear and follow Him into the unknown? It is the only way I will know the peace my soul craves.

Jesus help me to surrender my fear. I know now that this will be a lifelong process. Even if it were possible, I do not want to do this on my own. A life without you is meaningless. I want to live in the reality of the mystery of God. Teach me.