Duty and Cycles

Wednesday - Breakfast is out of the way and I am ready to do some work. With a fresh sheet of paper and a pen in hand, I prepare to make a bullet point list of significant events and lessons learned. I start with my Sabbath Journal. It is the culmination of life lessons God taught me during my Sabbath Year in '05-'06. I wrote it during my first visit to this holy retreat center back in August of 2006.

I hadn't realized it before now but aside from God's Word it has become the most important book in my life. God has used my Sabbath Year lessons to shape my future. In the past three years, I have pulled this book out, over and over again, because it grounds me; reminding me of who I am and who God has called me to be.

I come across a question God asked me on my first trip around the desert path - A Way in the Wilderness,

"Why is it such duty to pray for your family while you consider it an honor/privilege to pray for others?"

I remember this question. I was at the retreat center seeking discernment about my Sabbath year. It was my first time around the daunting trail. In a single sentence God stripped me bare and exposed my internal struggle which was an ongoing source of guilt and shame. Why did praying for my family always feel like hard work while praying for others felt like ministry? I didn't have an answer for God's "why" I only knew that what He spoke was true. It was one of those moments that made a lasting impression. I added it to the list.

For the remainder of the morning, I work my way through journals for Years 2 and 3. My list expands quickly. I marvel at the ways God has allowed me to participate in Kingdom building relationships and ministry. I also see repeated patterns of great fear and faith struggles as God calls me to deeper ministry.

I take the journal I am reading and head to the rocking chair on the veranda. I lose myself in the movement of the soaring vultures. They circle in slow, effortless spirals that take them higher and higher into the sky.

Their movement triggers the memory of a recent conversation with a friend about the frustrations and heartache of stumbling along the journey of faith. She was discouraged with a recent failure and felt as if she were starting her faith journey all over again...back to the beginning, so to speak. I recall saying this was not the case, instead, my friend had learned much during her walk with the Lord. She may have cycled around to her "stumbling point" but she was not back at the beginning of her journey. Instead, she had cycled to a higher level of relationship with God, a deeper faith, a greater sorrow over her sin, and with newfound wisdom to see how she'd gotten there. What she labeled as failure I saw as growth and a reason to celebrate.

The Spirit nudges me to view my growing list of experiences in the same light. God has used my so-called failures as opportunities to develop my relationship with Him, deepen my faith, increase my sorrow over my sin, and impart wisdom so that I might choose better in the future. Wow!

At lunch the Lord brings up the word duty. I recall yesterday's lesson from the reading in Luke 17:7-10 (subtitled "duty") and my take-away, "A servant should not expect to be thanked." I recall the question from my journal reading earlier today, "Why is it such duty to pray for your family while you consider it an honor/privilege to pray for others?" Then I proceed to have one of those "Aha" moments where everything becomes crystal clear.

The purpose of God's original question was to uncover my faulty thinking and lead me to a deeper truth. My response was to hang my head in shame and seek the answer on my own. It hadn't occurred to me that God was inviting me to say, "I don't know God. Why do I feel this way?" Three years later, we have cycled around to the same question but I am no longer the same woman. I want to know. I am ready to learn. And so, I ask,

God, what do You have to say about duty and prayer and me?

"When I first asked you this question you were struggling to reconcile the disparity of your feelings between praying for your family and praying for others because you approached them from two different mindsets:

Prayer for your family was serving your family.
Prayer for others was serving Me.

In reality, both were serving Me but because your marriage and your children came before you committed your life to Me you associated them as set apart from Me. And apart from Me there is no joy... even when you are praying for those you love most.

You gladly prayed for other people without expectations or need for appreciation because you were doing so out of love and obedience for Me. The honor and privilege you felt stemmed from your relationship and willingness to serve Me. It didn't hurt that each assignment had a beginning and an end. You enjoyed the variety of opportunities to pray and the mystery of what might come next. You also loved the indescribable thrill of using your gifts in tandem with the power of the Holy Spirit to make a difference in My Kingdom here on earth.

Your understanding of prayer has changed since I first put this question to you. We have been working on bringing the parts of your life established before your commitment to Me into alignment with the parts of your life established since your commitment to Me. Check in your heart and you will see that this is true.

Now, let's talk about My definition of duty.

You are a wife and a mother. It is your obligation to pray for your family. This is My order for marriage and family. And the reason it feels like hard work is because it is hard work.

You feel the weight of responsibility and there are times when you wish it didn't matter so much. But the fact of the matter is your prayers matter. Your obedience affects your entire family.

The commitment I am calling you to increases by the day. As years are added to your marriage and as your children grow older, you understand on a deeper level that you will pray for them until you die. It is a life long commitment and you no longer take that lightly.

You chafe under the discipline required for this type of prayer. You like praying for others because the assignments have a beginning and an end and you can cross them off your list when you are finished. You rely on the Spirit to prompt you. Praying for your family requires you to discipline your time and your mind and your spirit. I expect you to take an active role in this process.

It is an honor and a privilege to come to Me on behalf of your family. It is also your duty...to Me...for them. Your prayers invite Me to undergird the foundation of your marriage and your children's future. There will never be a more worthy use of your time and energy.

You already know this kind of prayer will bring you face-to-face with your own shortcomings, over and over again. You cannot succeed if you rely on your own strength and your own love. Apart from Me you can do nothing."

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, apart from me you can do nothing." --John 15:5