The Past Revisited

Something unusual happened this week (in addition to participating in Sunday's Cardboard Testimony -- as if that wasn't enough!). I had just sat down to my daily time of studying God's word and had opened my Bible to the book of Job, chapter 40. By the time I reached verse eight, I had to stop reading because of my reaction to the words.

1 "Then the Lord said to Job,
2 “Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers?”

3 Then Job replied to the Lord,
4 “I am nothing—how could I find the answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand. 5 I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say.”

6 Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:
7 “Brace yourself like a man, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.
8 “Will you discredit my justice and condemn me just to prove you are right?" (NLT)

I was sobbing. I was grief stricken. I was broken...and all in the time it took me to read from verse one to verse eight. Why?

Because as I read the words, the Lord confronted me with something from my past. Using the dialogue between Job and the Lord as a backdrop, God took me back in time and gave me fresh eyes to see an old experience:

Five years ago, while serving as a team member on a Spiritual Retreat, I was in the chapel at Mt. Wesley in Kerrville, TX. I was on my knees at the altar rail, seeking the Lord's favor and blessing just before I was to deliver a talk to the retreat members. The prayer team was in the chapel with me and also praying on my behalf. It started out as a beautiful time of worship and praise. Never, in my life, have I been so "in love" with my God. Which is why what happened next came as such a shock.

As I worshiped on my knees, I experienced the sensation of a lead blanket (the kind the dentist puts on you before taking x-rays of your mouth) being placed on my upper body. This was not a new sensation for each time our group had gone to the chapel for prayer/worship services, the lead blanket feeling would accompany me. It was, as if, the very hand of God was with me.

So this time, I subconsciously acknowledged the lead blanket sensation and continued praying. But then everything changed. The weight of the hand upon me exerted a pressure that was not only uncomfortable but frightening (multiply the lead blanket x 10). I could no longer draw a full breath of air for there was no room for my lungs to expand. And I could no longer remain on my knees for the pressure insisted I get down on my face.

As I lay, flat on my face, my heart raced and my terrified mind darted in all directions. I was aware of others praying for me as I struggled to breathe and struggled to pray. I no longer remember if I prayed aloud or in the silence of my heart but these are just some of the words that exploded from within: "What is this? What is happening to me? Help me!! God, where are You? Is this You? Is this the enemy? I rebuke you, satan, in the name of Jesus Christ. You may have no part of me for I belong to Jesus. I have a talk to give...I am not going to fail You, God. You have called me. You have prepared me. I will be obedient. Please help me!"

After some passage of time, my heart rate returned to normal and the peace of God flooded my soul. Shortly thereafter, I left the chapel to give my talk; determined but shaken to my very core. My mind pushed back the questions that would haunt me for weeks to come, "What was that? Why did it happen? Was it of God or was it evil?" It was a long, slow process to sort through the answers to those questions and the subsequent lessons that I've learned (but that is another topic to write about). The entire thing left me a changed woman.

Reenter the present, where I am sitting at my kitchen table, sobbing over Job 40:1-8. Why am I grieving? Two things cut me to the marrow...

1. Job knew he was in the Lord's presence when God spoke to him from the whirlwind/storm. I know, now, that it was the Lord that visited me in the chapel that day but it took me a long time before I was certain it was Him. I was grieving the fact that I did not know my Lord when I was in His presence.
2. Job knew to cover his mouth. Job knew to be quiet in the presence of the Almighty. I was grieving at the realization that I never closed my mouth. The entire time I was on my face in the chapel, my mouth was moving (if not literally, at least figuratively)because to be still meant giving The Voice an opportunity to speak and that would have been more than I could have handled.

After an hour had passed, my grief subsided. It was as if the Lord said, "Ok. So now we have that cleared up." I ended up writing the following words in my journal,

"What did I miss that day because I did not submit my mind to You? I was so busy talking that I did not listen. I felt the heavy hand of discipline from the Lord and I never shut my mouth. Oh, my God, forgive me. I wish I could go back and show You the reverence and fear You deserve. I do not understand why You are showing me this right now but I accept that it is necessary."

So here I am, after revisiting the past, humbled to discover that I have not learned all there is to learn about that day in the chapel. I would not be surprised to discover that the lessons continue for the remainder of my life. Without a doubt, the Lord's timing and His ways are a mystery to me.

Once again, I am shaken to my core. Once again, I am back on my face. And even so, the irony is not lost on me, that as I admit I have "said too much already. I have nothing more to say," (Job 40:5) the Lord has given me permission to write about it.

Abba,
I confess that I only thought I knew You. Who can really know You? Help me to be more like Job, to cover my mouth with my hand, and to listen. In the name of Jesus, Amen.