Birthday Card

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him." (NLT) --Philippians 2:13


Back when my children were in elementary school, a misunderstanding occurred between my child's teacher and me. Our relationship was badly damaged in the process. As a result, I was very concerned for my child and found it difficult to be civil towards this individual.

A few days later, I was walking down the school hall and overheard several teachers as they sang “Happy Birthday.” When I realized they were singing to that teacher, I stopped because I did not want to be seen walking past the open classroom. As I leaned against the wall, I sensed God telling me, quite clearly, to get in my car and go buy a birthday card for this teacher.

I told Him I didn't want to. God waited. I argued with Him. He remained silent. I pleaded with Him. Nothing. There was no doubt in my mind that God expected me to follow directions.

Ironically, the weekend before, I had been on a Walk to Emmaus (a 72 hour spiritual retreat). While there, I had made the conscious decision to allow God access to all of my life – not just the parts I had trusted Him with before. It was clear to me that this was a test of my newly declared trust.

So, I got in my car and drove to the nearest bookstore. There was no joy in my heart as I went through the motions of obedience. My feelings toward the individual had not changed. It was only my desire to honor God that propelled me inside to complete my appointed task. I finally found a card that didn’t make me gag with birthday ooze; it was blank inside.

I drove back to the school and pulled up next to the teacher's car in the school parking lot. The thought of extending kindness to someone who had caused so much turmoil and pain in our family filled me with frustration. I remember asking God what in the world I could possibly say to this person that wouldn’t be a flat out lie.

"Write this: 'The angels were dancing on the day you were born. May you know how much God loves you this day and always.'”

As my pen formed the words, I was humbled. It didn't matter how I felt, what mattered was how God felt. I signed my name to the card and placed it under the windshield wiper of the teacher’s car.

As I drove away, God's lesson was clear: I didn't have to love this person in order to share God's love with them. I was worn out from the battle that had been waged within my soul and relieved to have passed the test.

The next day, I received a phone call. It was the recipient of the birthday card calling to say, "Thank you for the beautiful card. And, oh, by the way, would you happen to know if there are any Bible studies at your church? I’ve been thinking I need to try that.”

We were able to make it through the remainder of the school year without anymore conflict. A simple birthday card. A message of God's love. The result -- nothing short of a miracle.

Father,
Thank you for teaching me how to trust You - experience by experience. Thank You for working within me; giving me the desire and power to do what pleases You. May I stop trying to do things in my own strength and rely only on You. I love You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Persistent Invitations

“But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward.” – Jeremiah 7:24 (NIV)

In David Nasser’s book A Call To Die, he writes about the challenge that faces committed followers of Christ. As we draw closer to the Father’s heart, we become more aware of our own sinfulness.

It has been months since I read Nasser’s words, but they’ve stayed with me because I know them to be true. As I journey deeper into the Father’s presence, it becomes more difficult to cling to the illusions I have about myself. I cannot continue to grow in my faith if I refuse to grant Him access to the places in my heart that do not honor Him.

If I am listening to God; if I am paying attention to the Holy Spirit, then I inevitably hear His whisper,

“Let’s look at this together.”

God’s invitation sets off an internal struggle within me that ends in some type of response; sometimes a combination of two or more:

Denial - “I don’t know what You’re talking about.”
Refusal - “No.”
Procrastination – “Please God, not right now.”
Surrender – “Okay.”
Relief - “Finally! I am ready to get rid of this junk.”

When I do cooperate, God stands by my side, giving me the courage and strength to look at my sin through His eyes. While I may flinch at what Christ’s light reveals; God does not. He remains with me as I process through whatever needs to be removed or transformed.

These moments are always accompanied by a deep awareness that the blood of Jesus covers my sin. I am humbled by the grace and mercy extended towards me, even as I am face-to-face with the ugliness in my soul.

God never employs condemnation, guilt or shame to convince me to change my ways. If I am struggling with any of those three, I know that I am listening to the voice of the world, myself, or the enemy. God always convicts with love. Always.

A few years ago, I experienced this in a profound way. A friend and I had a very serious conversation, intense in nature, regarding a third party for whom we were deeply concerned. Even though the conversation was discreet and respectful, my spirit was greatly troubled afterwards. I knew that I had displeased the Lord.

Looking at the conversation, through God’s eyes, I realized that I had freely and thoughtlessly shared privileged insight given to me by the Lord. I had spoken on my own authority; with no fear of God. I assumed ownership of the knowledge given to me and had overstepped my boundaries; partly out of ignorance but mostly out of carelessness.

Upon conviction and horror at my sin, the Lord said something to the effect of,

“I know…you really screwed that up but we don’t have time to stay in this place of self-pity and guilt. Don’t - do it - again. Got it?”

Don’t misunderstand me. God did not minimize my sin. I was fully convicted of my wrongdoing and understood the importance of what He showed me. But I was also dumbfounded, because God was so matter-of-fact about it.

God had no intention of dwelling on my mess-up – so what made me think I could/should? His focus was not on my sin. It was on me. And, in return, my focus was to be on Him.

I learned something that day. He asks me to deal with my sin; not to make me suffer, but to set me free. When I deal with my sin it makes room for my relationship with God to grow and to thrive. And, I am better able to carry out the work that He has called me to do.

According to Jeremiah 7:24, I am either moving backward in my sin or forward in my faith. God’s will is always that I move forward. The choice is mine.

Lord,
Even as I write, “I choose to move forward,” I readily admit that I am not looking forward to Your next invitation of, “Let’s look at this together.” It is so hard to go to those deep, dark places that exist inside me. And yet, Lord, I know that it is only in dealing with my stuff that I can grow closer to You. Thank You for Your persistent invitations. Thank You for the grace that You always shower on me when I go to those places with You. Thank You for Your patience when I do not accept Your invitation. Please, Father, give me the courage to say, “Yes” the next time You whisper to me. Help me to move forward in my faith. In the powerful, redeeming name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

A Turtle On Its Back

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." -- Matthew 7:7-8

"I urge you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me." -- Romans 15:30

Yesterday, my friend and I discussed the challenges of trusting God with our lives and asking Him and others for help along the way. Since then, I have been thinking a lot about my own reluctance to ask for help. The truth is, I enjoy being self-sufficient.

It has taken me years to to be able to admit I don't know how to do something without wanting to hide in shame. Asking for help used to mean that I was weak; that I was stupid; that I was incompetent. My pride constantly whispered that if I asked for help then people would know...know that I couldn't do it myself. My cover would be blown and everyone would know me for the fraud I was. It was a lie but I believed it.

My most embarrassing parent moment is a perfect illustration of this mindset. At the time, my kids were 5 yrs, 3 yrs and 10 months. The four of us were leaving the zoo and had stopped at the concession stand to buy some popcorn. My oldest two immediately began to fight over who got to hold the container. The concession lady kindly handed me an empty cup so they could each have their own.

Instead of showing some gratitude, they began to argue over which container had more. I squatted down to prove I was dividing the popcorn equally. This wouldn't have been a big deal except for two important details:
1. I was carrying my youngest in a baby backpack and
2. I didn't want to get my knee dirty so rather than place it on the ground, I let it hover about two inches above the concrete.

At this point, my brain registered the fact that my center of gravity was somewhere above my shoulder blades and behind my head.

I was in serious trouble.

Ever so slowly I began to tip backwards. There was nothing to grab on to and no way to stop the pull of gravity. My sole focus was to go down as slowly as possible so as not to crack my baby's head on the concrete. As my rear end made contact with the ground, my legs shot straight out from under me. I continued going down until I was on my back; with legs in the air, my head straining forward (to try to keep the weight off of my little one), and...this is the best part (or most ridiculous )...holding out two cups of popcorn with most of their contents, in tact.

A turtle on its back, in all its glory!

My little guy (in the backpack) began to scream bloody murder because my body was putting lots of pressure on his. My older two began to cry because some of the popcorn had spilled on the ground.

All around us were happy families eating and laughing. They were totally oblivious to the drama in their midst. I wavered somewhere between laughter and tears as I lay there in disbelief thinking, "This cannot be happening to me!"

I gave what was left of the popcorn to my kids and then made an attempt to get up. No go. I was strapped in, buckled up, and snapped down. There was no escape. All attempts to sit up or roll over were a failure. I was trapped.

I remember looking around at the surrounding families. I wanted someone to notice me so that I didn't have to ask for help. I finally swallowed my pride and offered a tentative, "Help?" No one heard me.

I continued to holler "Help," each time increasing my volume, until a kind gentleman turned around and saw me. He was horrified; assuming I had fallen from a standing position. After quite a bit of effort, he helped me up. By the time I was back on my feet, we had everyone's attention (naturally). I couldn't wait to leave and hide my bruised pride.

When I look back on that incident, I am amazed at the lengths I went to -- by myself -- to fix the situation. At no point did I ask for help. Not when I realized I was going down. Not as I was going down. Not even when I was down. It wasn't until I had exhausted every one of my own resources that I considered asking for help. Don't you know that God was up in heaven, with a front row seat, just shaking His head and muttering, "Child, Child, Child."

Since I began a relationship with Jesus, I have been trying to live my life differently. There are times when I catch myself resorting to old habits. But on most days, I can see progress. God's Word tells us to "Ask," and so I have been practicing the discipline of asking God for help. I ask for wisdom and discernment in parenting. I ask for blessings and unity for my marriage. I ask for health and favor for my children. I ask for God to reveal His path for my life and for the strength to be obedient. I ask for peace for the one who seeks God's will. I ask for healing for the one with a broken heart. I ask for direction for the one who has lost their way. I ask on behalf of my leaders, my country and our world.

I have also learned how to ask my friends in Christ for their help through prayer. It is amazing to see how Christ can take a moment of need and turn it into an experience of grace and blessing.

For anyone who may be struggling with the asking: it gets easier with practice. I promise.

Almighty Father,
You are a God who invites us to "ask." May we take full advantage of Your invitation and make our hearts and plans accessible to You. Thank You for always loving, always listening, and always providing exactly what we need to become more like Jesus. In His name, Amen.

The Family Album

"Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what He did for me." --Psalm 66:16

Six months ago, a friend asked me when I was going to start writing. I replied that I didn't have anything to write about. My friend then pulled out a Bible and read 1 Corinthians 4:1-2 aloud:

"So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful."

Then my friend explained that I had been entrusted with (asked to steward) the mysteries of God in order to dispense them to others. And, it was time for me to share what the Lord had been teaching me. When I confessed that I didn't know where to begin, my wise friend suggested I start by writing a devotional.

I left that meeting filled with the excitement of someone who has been given the go-ahead after a long, long wait. I knew that my life was about to be changed forever.

For years, I had been waiting and hoping that God would allow me to write for Him. My journal entry from 8/14/05 reads:
"As it pertains to my gifting -- moments in my life when I have been absolutely, positively certain that I was doing something God created me to do:
1. Writing about God at work in my life and then sharing it with others.
2. Praying with or for others.
Something supernatural takes place when I make these gifts available to God."

When I acknowledged this desire to write for God, back in 2005, it seemed foolish. After all, my writing skills were above average, at best. I didn't have anything to say that hadn't already been said. And most importantly, the Lord hadn't given me an assignment.

So I wrote those words in my journal and kept them to myself. In the meantime, I worked my way through a One Year Bible. For three years, I read, underlined, and copied (word for word) the Scriptures that God highlighted for me each day. I filled notebook after notebook with Scripture.

"Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful."

Upon reflection, I can see that the Lord was doing more than shape me through the study of His Word. He gave me the opportunity to prove myself faithful through the daily discipline of reading and writing His Word back to Him. And, it was only after proving myself faithful, that He gave me the go ahead to write for others.

Since my friend's prompting, the Lord has blessed me with multiple opportunities to share the way I see Him at work. Each devotional is dependant upon inspiration from the Holy Spirit. It is as if the Lord hands me a snapshot, taken by His own camera, and asks me to write about it.

For the first several months, I never knew when or what I would be asked to write about. In between assignments, I read my Bible, journaled and waited for the next picture.

Just recently, the Lord added a a new twist to this scrapbooking theme. Instead of one snapshot, at a time, He has been handing them (writing ideas) to me in twos and threes. To keep from forgetting the images He showed me, I began a list of titles and corresponding Scriptures on the last page of my journal. In less than a month, the page is almost full.

Once again, I realize that God provided me with the opportunity to prove myself faithful. In His infinite wisdom, He handed me individual photos until I could be entrusted with an entire roll of developed pictures. With His blessing, I will continue to preserve Holy snapshots in the Family Album for as long as it pleases Him.

Father, I praise You for being the Creator. When I consider how many scrapbooks it would take to capture a small portion of your creation, I am overwhelmed. Forgive me for my impatience with Your plan. And thank You that You know exactly what I need and do not withhold it from me. Give me the peace to trust Your perfect timing for my life. Remind me that there is always great purpose and lessons to be learned in the waiting. Thank You Jesus for your gift of my salvation. Help me to live my life in a way that brings You glory and honor. In the saving name of Jesus Christ, my Savior, Amen.

Starbucks

I met a friend at Starbucks the other day.

Although I love the smell of coffee, I don't drink the stuff. I asked for a big cup (I actually pointed to the display) of hot white tea. The person behind the counter politely translated my order into Starbuckese, "I need a Venti Tazo White."

I took my drink over to a nearby counter to add some sugar. Removing the lid, I stared into a cup of steaming hot black liquid. Definitely not white tea. I asked myself the question, "Do I waste precious time correcting my order or just drink it?" I put the lid back on the cup and joined my friend.

An hour and a half later, I headed home bringing the rest of my tea with me. As I sat at my computer answering emails, it became harder and harder to concentrate. The Starbucks cup mocked me as the truth dawned in my jittery brain...I had just consumed a serious amount of caffeine!

I immediately did an internet search and discovered that a Venti (24 oz) Black Tea has approximately 125 mg. of caffeine. (There weren't any numbers for the "Tazo Awake" brand I had been given. Even the name sounds lethal!) For comparison sake: a 12 oz. can of Dr. Pepper has 41 mg. Aside from an occasional piece of chocolate or a rare soda, my average daily intake of caffeine is close to zero. No wonder I was wired!

What started out as funny turned serious as I fought waves of nausea and the sensation that I was going to jump out of my skin. My irritability continued throughout the day. Relief came in the form of a long walk through the neighborhood with a friend. She was kind enough to listen as I wondered aloud what I was supposed to learn from this experience.

In Paul's first letter to the church in Corinth he says,

"'Everything is permissable' - but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissable' - but not everything is constructive." -- 1 Corinthians 10:23

There is a reason I stay away from caffeine - it is not "beneficial" to me. I will definitely remember that the next time I order a drink at Starbucks. End of the story? No.

The Starbucks adventure illustrates the way God is calling me to a more authentic faith. More often than not, when I quiet my mind and make my body still before Him...He whispers to me about the details of my life. He shows me how even the smallest choices I make have long lasting, far reaching consequences.

Everything is permissable -- but not always beneficial (wholesome) or constructive (edifying/promoting growth). There are times when I am frustrated by how much small decisions matter to God. If I am totally honest, I would rather He help me with the big stuff and just leave the little stuff to me. But the truth is that all of my choices matter to Him.

Even the ones involving caffeine.

Abba,
You are the God of the Universe. And still, details matter to You. I want to honor You in all of the details of my life. Please show me how to make choices that are both beneficial and constructive. In the mighty name of Jesus, Amen.

A Plate of Warm Cookies

"We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don't try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this." --2 Corinthians 4:2 (NLT)

Have you ever noticed that the Lord is not above using some of the smallest details from your life to teach you about His ways and His plans?

God busted me recently. Over a plate of warm cookies.

Recently, as part of our relocation process, we were required to have our home value determined by two separate appraisal firms. The first appraisal was scheduled. The house was clean and ready for viewing. I had prayed that the Lord would cause the contractor to look upon our house with favor. However, I felt the need to "do something" more.

Minutes before the appraiser arrived, I had preheated the oven and two dozen sugar cookies were turning a beautiful golden brown. The appraiser didn't stand a chance! As he made his way through the house, the cookies cooled on the counter. I was very pleased with my "not so subtle" aromatherapy.

A few days later, I came across 2 Corinthians 4:2 and felt the Lord's thoughtful gaze as He waited for me to make the connection between His Word and my recent baking episode. (Just for the record, He didn't have anything against the cookies.) He wanted to address my motive.

What I had done was simple. I had prayed for God to be in charge. And then, I took over. I attempted to manipulate the outcome using methods that were unpleasing to the Lord. Another lesson learned.

The following week, the second appraiser showed up to view the house. It was clean and everything was in order. But this time, there were no cookies.

Later on, our relocation company called with the results of the appraisals. Both appraisals were favorable and our house had appraised at a higher value than we had even hoped for. After the initial celebration, I was struck with remorse over the thought that our good fortune came at the hands of my "underhanded methods." Imagine my delight when I discovered that the highest bid came from the second appraisal...the one I had left in God's hands.

I don't think I'll ever look at a plate of cookies in the same way again.

Father,
Where would I be without You? Thank You for the loving ways You call me to obedience. On this day, give me "eyes to see and ears to hear" You. Help me to submit all of the details of my life to Your care and Your direction. Thank You for the blood of Jesus that covers my every transgression. I love You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Past Revisited

Something unusual happened this week (in addition to participating in Sunday's Cardboard Testimony -- as if that wasn't enough!). I had just sat down to my daily time of studying God's word and had opened my Bible to the book of Job, chapter 40. By the time I reached verse eight, I had to stop reading because of my reaction to the words.

1 "Then the Lord said to Job,
2 “Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers?”

3 Then Job replied to the Lord,
4 “I am nothing—how could I find the answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand. 5 I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say.”

6 Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind:
7 “Brace yourself like a man, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.
8 “Will you discredit my justice and condemn me just to prove you are right?" (NLT)

I was sobbing. I was grief stricken. I was broken...and all in the time it took me to read from verse one to verse eight. Why?

Because as I read the words, the Lord confronted me with something from my past. Using the dialogue between Job and the Lord as a backdrop, God took me back in time and gave me fresh eyes to see an old experience:

Five years ago, while serving as a team member on a Spiritual Retreat, I was in the chapel at Mt. Wesley in Kerrville, TX. I was on my knees at the altar rail, seeking the Lord's favor and blessing just before I was to deliver a talk to the retreat members. The prayer team was in the chapel with me and also praying on my behalf. It started out as a beautiful time of worship and praise. Never, in my life, have I been so "in love" with my God. Which is why what happened next came as such a shock.

As I worshiped on my knees, I experienced the sensation of a lead blanket (the kind the dentist puts on you before taking x-rays of your mouth) being placed on my upper body. This was not a new sensation for each time our group had gone to the chapel for prayer/worship services, the lead blanket feeling would accompany me. It was, as if, the very hand of God was with me.

So this time, I subconsciously acknowledged the lead blanket sensation and continued praying. But then everything changed. The weight of the hand upon me exerted a pressure that was not only uncomfortable but frightening (multiply the lead blanket x 10). I could no longer draw a full breath of air for there was no room for my lungs to expand. And I could no longer remain on my knees for the pressure insisted I get down on my face.

As I lay, flat on my face, my heart raced and my terrified mind darted in all directions. I was aware of others praying for me as I struggled to breathe and struggled to pray. I no longer remember if I prayed aloud or in the silence of my heart but these are just some of the words that exploded from within: "What is this? What is happening to me? Help me!! God, where are You? Is this You? Is this the enemy? I rebuke you, satan, in the name of Jesus Christ. You may have no part of me for I belong to Jesus. I have a talk to give...I am not going to fail You, God. You have called me. You have prepared me. I will be obedient. Please help me!"

After some passage of time, my heart rate returned to normal and the peace of God flooded my soul. Shortly thereafter, I left the chapel to give my talk; determined but shaken to my very core. My mind pushed back the questions that would haunt me for weeks to come, "What was that? Why did it happen? Was it of God or was it evil?" It was a long, slow process to sort through the answers to those questions and the subsequent lessons that I've learned (but that is another topic to write about). The entire thing left me a changed woman.

Reenter the present, where I am sitting at my kitchen table, sobbing over Job 40:1-8. Why am I grieving? Two things cut me to the marrow...

1. Job knew he was in the Lord's presence when God spoke to him from the whirlwind/storm. I know, now, that it was the Lord that visited me in the chapel that day but it took me a long time before I was certain it was Him. I was grieving the fact that I did not know my Lord when I was in His presence.
2. Job knew to cover his mouth. Job knew to be quiet in the presence of the Almighty. I was grieving at the realization that I never closed my mouth. The entire time I was on my face in the chapel, my mouth was moving (if not literally, at least figuratively)because to be still meant giving The Voice an opportunity to speak and that would have been more than I could have handled.

After an hour had passed, my grief subsided. It was as if the Lord said, "Ok. So now we have that cleared up." I ended up writing the following words in my journal,

"What did I miss that day because I did not submit my mind to You? I was so busy talking that I did not listen. I felt the heavy hand of discipline from the Lord and I never shut my mouth. Oh, my God, forgive me. I wish I could go back and show You the reverence and fear You deserve. I do not understand why You are showing me this right now but I accept that it is necessary."

So here I am, after revisiting the past, humbled to discover that I have not learned all there is to learn about that day in the chapel. I would not be surprised to discover that the lessons continue for the remainder of my life. Without a doubt, the Lord's timing and His ways are a mystery to me.

Once again, I am shaken to my core. Once again, I am back on my face. And even so, the irony is not lost on me, that as I admit I have "said too much already. I have nothing more to say," (Job 40:5) the Lord has given me permission to write about it.

Abba,
I confess that I only thought I knew You. Who can really know You? Help me to be more like Job, to cover my mouth with my hand, and to listen. In the name of Jesus, Amen.