Big God - little d

More Work to be Done

2011-05-28T07:48:00.007-05:00

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." -- Proverbs 31:30

At the end of the funeral service, she steps up to the microphone, purse in hand. The mother whose son's life burned bright for 32 short years. The room grows still as our eyes focus and our hearts lean in.

I confess, my mind simultaneously splits in two directions: how does a woman get up and talk in such a time of sorrow and why did she bring her purse? She sets the purse down next to the lectern and I set my questions aside.

It is my first true look at her. Grief is etched on her face and something else, which I have yet to name. She thanks us for coming. She speaks of her son. She speaks of her prayer closet where she bows her head as she works on behalf of others.

Then moving to her purse, she pulls out a heart-shaped metal tin the size of a dinner plate. One of my questions answered. A gentle shake of the tin and the microphone magnifies the sound of contents moving around inside...cards with the names of those she prays for on a daily basis.

She opens the lid, and asks us to be her witnesses, as she removes the card bearing the name of her son. She will leave it at the church, she explains, because now his life is complete in Christ Jesus.

Her prayer work for her beloved son is finished.

It is finished.

I am stilled by the magnitude of that thought.

And then, an astonishing remark, "It is time to make room in the prayer box for others who need prayers.

Her son's time on this earth is complete. Hers is not. She understands and she makes sure we understand, as well. While we still live and breathe and walk this earth, there is more life to be lived and more work to be done.

There is more work to be done.

No wonder I couldn't identify that other quality I observed in her face...it is a mixture of strength, courage, love, wisdom, hope, and perseverance all wrapped in the assurance of Faith.

Her faith calls out to our faith. My spirit responds to the call.

There is more work to be done.

Lord, thank You for this woman of faith who gave such a powerful testimony, yesterday. May You continue to surround her and her family with comfort, and strength, and healing as they grieve the loss and celebrate the life of their loved one.

May we keep our eyes on You as we live out this day. Show us the work You have prepared for our hands that we, too, might move in obedience and bring You glory. Thank You, Jesus, for the gift of our salvation. We love You. In Your mighty name we pray, Amen.

I Want You

2011-03-26T15:15:00.001-05:00

"Now I am ready to visit you for the third time, and I will not be a burden to you, because what I want is not your possessions but you." - 2 Corinthians 12:14

Two different friends asked for prayer today. In both situations, the Lord led me to 2 Corinthians 12:14. Paul is speaking to the people of Corinth, assuring them of his intentions.

I don't want what you have; I want you.

Is that not God's heart cry to all of His beloved?

I want you.

Three words that speak volumes. Three words that reassure us that we are His focus...not what we have, not what we do, not what we think...but us.

With God relationship is everything.

Entertaining Angels

2011-03-22T06:00:00.001-05:00

"In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple He heard my voice;
my cry came before Him, into His ears."--Psalm 18:6 (NIV)

The small chapel, located on the top of the cruise ship, was warm with filtered sunlight. I sat next to a family member and listened, as she poured out a heart heavy with grief and anger. Before long, the air was thick with the suffocating combination of heavy emotions and tropical heat.

My words of comfort fell on ears, too wounded to hear. The situation was on a downward spiral and I didn't know what to do.

Lord, help!

Moments later, the chapel door opened. An elderly woman slowly shuffled in, barging headfirst into what was, clearly, an emotional and private moment. She apologized even as she continued heading for the front of the room, all the while maintaining a running dialogue...

"Am I interrupting? I'm sorry I just had to come here. I'm 80+ years old. I've had cancer in my arm. See how it is all swollen up? God has seen me through. I didn't even know if I was going to be able to go on this cruise. I just had to come up here and sing. I've had other health issues. I shouldn't even be alive, right now, but I am. I just needed to come up here and sing a song to God. He is so good, isn't He? Sometimes you just have to sing, don't you?"

At which point, she stood behind the lectern, hung on for dear life, and began belting out an old hymn of praise and faith that completely captivated me and the one I sat alongside. One verse after another, her voice was sure and strong as she sang of God's love and goodness. Unabashed joy and love were all over her face. I sat and wept at the beauty of her faith, my companion in tears, as well. It was an incredible moment of worship for all of us.

When her song was over, we thanked her for sharing her story and her song with us. Picking up her monologue, right where she had left off, she shuffled for the door. Her voice was cut off as the swinging door closed behind her.

Both of us smiling, we sat in stunned, delighted silence. The air in the room was cool and fresh, as if a strong wind had blown through and cleaned house. Half-kidding, half-serious, my companion offered up a thought,

"Surely she was an angel. I wouldn't be surprised if she never shows up anywhere else on this boat."

Neither one of us ever saw her again.

"Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it!" --Hebrews 13:2 (NLT)

Car Seats

2011-03-20T10:45:00.001-05:00

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge,
a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in Him at all times.
Pour out your heart to Him
for God is our refuge."
--Psalm 62:5-8

Four days without feasting on Your Word.

Four days without writing any of it down.

Not because there hasn't been time...

but because I made the choice
not to spend time with You.

In those four days...
my spirit has lost its balance,
my vision has lost its focus,
my prayers have dried up,
my dreams are disturbed.

I have forgotten the sound of Your whisper.

Forgive me, Lord, I pray.
Life without You is not worth living.

And yet even as I long for Your Presence another part of me resists being still.

It reminds me of those times when my children were small and refused to be strapped into their carseats. I was always amazed at their show of strength and dismayed when I had to physically restrain them against their will. In those moments, it was not possible to reason with my children. The choice was to forcibly bodymold them into compliance or not go. With three small children and a limited amount of patience, I became an expert at bodymolding.

As much as I am embarrassed to admit it, I am in a similar place with God. The car is ready for the journey yet I refuse to get in. God will not strap me into the seat against my will. He waits for me to yield my will to His.

He waits.

For me.

Again, and again, and again.

I am ashamed to think of how much time I have wasted, over the course of my life, by not getting in the car.

For this day, I make the decision to ride with Him.

It's going to be a good day.

Just one request:

Can we ride with the top down?

Denial

2011-03-10T14:30:00.001-06:00

Peter swore, "A curse on me if I'm lying -- I don't know this man you're talking about!" And immediately the rooster crowed the second time.

Suddenly, Jesus' words flashed through Peters' mind: "Before the rooster crows twice, you will deny three times that you even know me." And he broke down and wept. -- Mark 14:71-72 (NLT)

It is a part of our faith journey -- denying the One we love.

Peter had been told in advance that it would happen yet he couldn't imagine ever doing such a thing. Like Peter, do I naively think that my love for Jesus is enough to keep me from denying Him? The answer is yes far more often than I would like to admit.

Am I living in such a way that there is room for the Holy Spirit to speak course-correcting words of direction and truth into my life?

And when I do hear His whisper convicting me of my waywardness, what is my response?

Am I brokenhearted, like Peter? (v. 72)
Or do I, like Judas Iscariot, pretend all is well by greeting Him with a kiss? (Mark 14:45)

No Apology Needed

2010-07-28T19:15:00.000-05:00

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." Genesis 32:24-26

We must never apologize for asking a question of someone that causes them to wrestle with the Father for the answer. For that matter, we shouldn't expect an apology if we are on the receiving end of such a question.

You know the kind of question I'm talking about. It is the type that forces us to contend with a plan that wasn't of our choosing. Or it is the one that turns us inside out; forcing us to consider our lives from a different perspective. Or maybe it is the kind that causes us discomfort as it brings about a crisis-of-faith. Regardless, these questions tend to send us scrambling to God's Word for help and down to our knees in prayer...so desperate to hear from God that we boldly declare we will not quit petitioning Him until He speaks.

I've had a few of those questions posed to me this summer. Because of them, I've spent quite a bit of time in the Throne Room wrestling with the Almighty. Even though I'm sporting some new bumps and bruises, it was worth it. One of those questions has given me the opportunity to see where my words of faith and my walk of faith don't quite match up and has allowed me to make course corrections. Another question has been an opportunity to stretch my faith and step into ministry. While yet another has been a test where the only right answer was, "no."

Each question has forced me into a closer relationship with my God. The results have been a purifying of my faith and a blessing from God, Himself.

Why would anyone need to apologize for that?

Dear God

2010-07-24T13:57:00.005-05:00

Dear God,

It has come to my attention that whenever You ask me to consider something that I don't understand...or that is anxiety producing (big picture)...or something that I would like to happen but I'm afraid of hoping for it and then being disappointed if it doesn't...I just shut down. I close myself off from You because I don't want to look at it.

It doesn't occur to me to say, "I don't like the way this makes me feel...but I'm just going to sit with it and You...and wait for You to speak to me about it. I'm going to open myself to the possibility that if You want me to be a part of this, then You will give me the courage to face my fears."

It is more like I am saying, "I don't like how this makes me feel so I'm going to tuck it away and You'll have to bring it up, again later, if You want me to seriously consider it.

God, You know this about me. I tend to push You aside whenever I don't understand what You are doing or saying.

Where is my faith?
There isn't any maturity in this approach.

It is time for me to grow.

Lord, give me the courage to look at Your bigger plan even though it is beyond my comprehension and requires me to grow in uncomfortable ways. Help me to remember You are trustworthy. I don't want my faith to be a reflection of my own inadequacies. I want my faith to reflect who You are...

"For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;

Your faithfulness reaches to the skies."

-- Psalm 57:10

Asking As If He Is Not Listening

2010-06-19T15:30:00.000-05:00

"Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

The other day, I prayed my way down a list of people and events that the Lord had placed on my heart. I had purposefully saved one name for last. For the past two months, I had been diligently knocking on heaven's door on this individual's behalf.

Mentally, I ordered several specific requests. As the first one formed on my lips, I sensed the Spirit's interruption. Rather than continue with the same line of thinking, I tried a different request. The same thing happened. After the third try, I had the distinct impression the Spirit was saying,

"You've already asked for all of these things."

I was stunned into silence.

And that's when I heard the questions:

"Do you believe I have heard you?'
Yes, Lord.

"Do you believe I am at work?"
Yes, Lord.

"Do you believe I am in charge?"
Yes, Lord.

"Do you believe My plan will prevail?"
Yes, Lord.

"Then, why do you ask Me as if I am not listening?"

Again, I was silent. Finally, I stumbled out a few unimpressive words...Wow. Good question. I see what You're saying. Forgive me. Let me try again...

This time I embraced the silence and entered into His presence, all the while acknowledging the fullness of all I had already asked on behalf of the person I was praying for. It was the equivalent of saying, "Please?"and after a long, long pause, humbly whispering, "Thank You."

Since then, I have been unable to get this encounter out of my mind. I can't help but hold it up in contrast to all the other ways I have been taught and practiced praying...

The times when I have been called to pray without ceasing.
The times when He has insisted I name my requests.
The times when I have been silent before Him with no idea what to ask for and that has been enough.
The time when He told me to quit talking and let Him pray because He knew best.

And now, You are telling me that sometimes there comes a point in praying for someone or something where I am to quit speaking my requests and sit in silent acknowledgment of Your faithfulness to answer in Your own perfect way.

For as long as I live, Abba, I pray that I never grow tired of learning Your ways. Thank You, for teaching me. I love You. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Joshua Words

2010-04-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

"But Joshua said to the house of Joseph - to Ephraim and Manasseh - 'You are numerous and very powerful. You will have not only one allotment but the forested hill country as well. Clear it, and its farthest limits will be yours; though the Canaanites have iron chariots and though they are strong, you can drive them out.'" Joshua 17:17-18

Allotments of the promised land are being divvied up and parceled out to each of the tribes of Israel. The people of Joseph receive their allotment and decide they need more land. They go to their leader Joshua and lodge a complaint. Joshua tells them they are welcome to go into the nearby forest and clear more land for themselves. Instead of saying "thanks" the people of Joseph add a complaint about the Canaanites living close by with iron chariots. (Joshua 17:14-18)

I love Joshua's response in verses 17-18. He acknowledges the size of Joseph's group...but adds that they are powerful. He acknowledges their concern about space...then gives them a parcel of forested hill country as a bonus. He acknowledges their fear about the Canaanites, a strong people with iron chariots...and then restates the piece of information which trumps all of their concerns, "You can drive them out." (v. 18)

Joshua doesn't deny the facts nor does he give in to their whining or fear. Instead, he reiterates their concerns and then refocuses them on the truth; they are numerous and very powerful and can drive out the Canaanites.

It is a brilliant leadership moment. It brings to mind those parenting moments when I have been faced with a whining, fearful child who has lost their focus. When my eyes are fixed on God, I have a better chance of responding as Joshua did. I am able to listen. I am able to offer solutions. I am able to remind my child of their capacity to overcome trials. I am able to speak with hope and confidence even though they may not believe me in that moment. I am able...because I am drawing from God's truth not my own.

This story is also a perfect illustration of what happens in my life when I act like one of the people of Joseph. When I become fearful and whiny, I am consumed with what I see and unable to draw on what I know. In those moments, I am grateful when the Lord uses someone, like Joshua, to acknowledge my fears and remind me of the strength and power that is mine in Jesus Christ.

Lord, help me to look to you when I am fearful and whiny. Give me the ears to hear and the courage to believe the words of those who deliver Joshua messages to me. And, may I be ready to respond to the nudges of the Spirit in order to speak Joshua words over someone else. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Forgoing the Plunder

2010-04-13T16:00:00.003-05:00

"Then the LORD said to Joshua, 'Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Take the whole army with you, and go up and attack Ai. For I have delivered into your hands the king of Ai, his people, his city and his land. You shall do to Ai and its kin as you did to Jericho and its king, except that you may carry off their plunder and livestock for yourselves. Set an ambush behind the city.'" Joshua 8:1-2

"But Israel did not carry off for themselves the livestock and plunder of this city, as the LORD had instructed Joshua." Joshua 8:27

I have been spending some time in Joshua 8, this morning. I am left with a question:

Why did the Israelites forgo the plunder that was rightfully theirs to take?

Scripture doesn't come right out and say this but I believe it is because of events that took place just prior to the capture of the city of Ai.

In Joshua 7, the Israelites, with the LORD's help, have already captured and destroyed the city of Jericho. Afterwards, they set out to defeat the city of Ai and are stunned to find themselves outmatched. It is obvious to everyone that God did not go with them into battle. The Israelites' courage turns to fear.

Joshua throws himself facedown before the ark of God only to be told to "Stand up! What are you doing down on your face? Israel has sinned..." (v. 10) It turns out one of the Israelite men, Achan, had kept some of the Jericho plunder for himself (v. 11). He polluted the entire camp by hiding silver, gold and a beautiful robe in his tent; items that had been specifically marked as sacred to the LORD (v. 18-19).

The punishment for this offense was that the man, his family, his cattle, donkeys, sheep, his tent and all his possessions were taken outside the camp to the valley. The Israelites stoned them, burned what was left and piled rocks over the remains. (v.24-26) Only then did God's anger subside.

I believe the brutal image of Achan and his family's death was with the Israelites when they went into battle against the people of Ai for the second time. Victory on the heels of such a horrific event would make it hard to celebrate. The LORD had given them permission to take the plunder but He hadn't commanded it. The Israelites had a choice. I suspect the Israelites declined because it held no appeal for them in the face of Achan's recent demise.

This brings to mind my own experiences of victory while simultaneously witnessing a friend in Christ being disciplined by the Lord. It is difficult to watch someone you know and love go through this sobering process. It can be quite an emotional experience.

Thankfully, the days of stoning are over. We are called, instead, to love as Jesus loved. We are called to forgive. We are called to practice grace and mercy. We are to cooperate with God's plan and not get in His way as He corrects the one we love.

Sometimes, this requires tempering our own celebration. Forgoing the plunder becomes a means of honoring God.

When the Manna Stops Falling

2010-04-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

"On the evening of the fourteenth day of the month, while camped at Gilgal on the plains of Jericho, the Israelites celebrated the Passover. The day after the Passover, that very day, they ate some of the produce of the land: unleavened bread and roasted grain. The manna stopped the day after they ate this food from the land; there was no longer any manna for the Israelites, but that year they ate of the produce of Canaan." Joshua 5:10-12

I find myself drawing parallels between the Israelites and myself. Specifically, I can relate to the changes that took place once the Israelites journeyed across the Jordan and the changes I've experienced since Easter.

After 40 years, the Israelites eat their first meal from the land God promised them. They day after they partake of the food from the land, God's gift of manna stops. Not because God was being stingy or cruel but because God had made other provisions for them. They no longer had need for the manna and so it stopped falling from heaven.

During these past two years, I have waited on the Lord for things to write about. While the Lord did not deliver something every day, He was always faithful to deliver exactly what I needed, when I needed it. For that, I am truly grateful.

However, during the 40 days days leading up to Easter (Lent), I received something to write (manna), each and every day. God provided me with writing inspiration from my relationship with Him. It was a nourishing feast that alternately filled me with wonder, awe, and further expectation.

Now that Easter has come and gone, I hear the Lord telling me it is time to eat from the land. He has brought me to a place that is flowing with milk and honey...His Word, life experiences, lessons learned. I know, now, that I can sit at His feet on any given day and words will come. Some days, the words will come easily just as the Israelites first harvested the land of offerings they did not plant. Other days, the words will only come after great toil. Either way, the time for manna has come to an end.

I find myself one step closer to writing the book that is to come.
I pray that I might be faithful to the task He has entrusted to me.

A Kingdom Seed

2010-04-09T11:50:00.002-05:00

"Then Jesus asked, 'What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds of the air perched in its branches.'" Luke 13:18-19

Jesus compares the kingdom of God with a lowly mustard seed. A seed so small that it would barely make a speck in the palm of my hand. If I were to set it on the ground and walk away from it, I would have great difficulty finding it later.

By itself, a mustard seed has no impact on the space around it. It is only after the seed has been planted, watered, and receives sunlight that it grows into something substantial enough to change the landscape and offer shelter to others.

I believe this is how the kingdom of God is displayed in those who follow Christ. A seed that starts out small and often goes unnoticed by all but the Father, eventually develops roots deep enough to support upward growth. The kingdom of God becomes evident as the branches of faith and service testify to Him. Ultimately, we provide a sheltering place for others who are also seeking His kingdom and growing roots of their own.

God's work in me is not limited by the size of the seed. What hinders God's work is my cooperation. Will I join Him in the garden? Will I submit to the planting, and the watering, and the waiting required for growth? Do I trust Him to make me a living, breathing testiment to the kingdom of God, here on earth? Will I surrender my will in order to become a Kingdom Seed for Him?

The Rewards of Knocking

2010-04-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

"For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Luke 11:10

It is Easter Sunday. Lent is over. Christ has risen!

I open my Bible and discover that today's reading includes the words of Jesus from Luke 11:10. My heart is warmed as I acknowledge that this is the same teaching from Matthew 7:7 that started my Lenten journey. He has tied Ash Wednesday and all the days leading up to Easter Sunday together with this life-altering invitation to ask, seek, and knock.

I am not the same person who began this journey back in February. Each and every day, I knocked on the door, and Jesus opened it to me. My heart is too full to try and speak of it, just yet. For today, I will savor the beauty of knowing him more fully and let my words be few.

Thank you, Jesus.

A Lesson in Rejoicing

2010-04-03T16:00:00.002-05:00

"The seventy-two returned with joy and said, 'Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.'

He replied, 'I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.'" Luke 10:17-20

This passage has stirred up a memory within me. It must have been four or five years ago. I spent the day up at church. As a member of the Pastor Parish Relations Committee, my task was to meet with a handful of staff members, one-on-one, let them know how much they were appreciated and invite them to share any concerns or joys they had related to their job.

Through the presence of the Holy Spirit, each meeting took on an intimacy that encouraged personal sharing. Hurting hearts were opened, fears revealed, and hopes and dreams brought to light.

I listened with complete focus, and asked questions, when necessary. At the end of each session, I asked if I could pray for the one sitting across from me. They all said, "Yes." Holding their hands in mine, I gave thanks to God for them and lifted up their concerns and challenges to the Throne.

Each time, I prayed, the Holy Spirit added His own words. In amazement, I listened as my voice spoke of things which I did not know...a childhood where the blessing was withheld, the bitter roots of unforgiveness, the depth of love and devotion to an elderly spouse, the pain and guilt of a parent over a wayward child, a new path for one who would soon be leaving.

I prayed in agreement with the Spirit. I marveled at the electric energy that pulsed through the center of the palms of my hands. Something supernatural and amazing was taking place. Not only was I a witness to the power and authority of Jesus Christ but I was the one serving as the channel for that power and authority. It was a heady experience! Afterwards, it was impossible to contain my joy when I relayed the experience to a few close friends.

Jesus' words to the disciples were a teaching, a warning and a redirection. His words apply to me as well. We are to serve Christ and utilize the power and authority we have been given through him but what occurs during that service and the results of our service are not to be our focus.

God, Christ, the Spirit...they are to have our full attention. We are to rejoice in our salvation...and take care not to make idols of the power we have been given or the results they bring.

Plowing a Straight Line

2010-04-02T07:45:00.000-05:00

"Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.'" Luke 9:62

Plowing a straight line. It takes more than strength and know-how. It requires concentration. A farmer's eyes must not only focus on where the blade meets the earth but, also be mindful of what lies ahead. To look back, as you are moving forward, is to lose your line...waste your efforts...use up precious time...perhaps, even, necessitate starting over.

Jesus warns us that if we are going to serve the kingdom of God then we must keep our eyes on the field. We are not fit for our work assignment if we are looking backwards. We must keep our eyes on him. He will show us where the plow is to go. He will make sure the hard dirt of the field is turned over in straight lines, ready for seed.

Jesus' eyes were always on Jerusalem (Luke 9:51). His life was a straight plow line leading up to the cross and the resurrection. He did not take his eyes off of the Father. He did not look back.

The question to be pondered this morning: Where have I been focusing, lately?

Afraid to Ask

2010-04-01T18:30:00.000-05:00

"While everyone was marveling at all that Jesus did, he said to his disciples, 'Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you: The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men.' But they did not understand what this meant. It was hidden from them, so that they did not grasp it, and they were afraid to ask him about it." Luke 9:43b-45

Sometimes we would rather not understand. We don't ask the hard questions because we aren't ready to face the hard answers that are sure to follow. We choose fear and ignorance over heartbreaking enlightenment. I've been there a time or two.

What I'm wondering, right now, is how the Godhead feels about this? How does my failure to ask for understanding when I am clueless and afraid make Almighty God, Jesus the Christ, and the Holy Spirit feel?

Jesus, if it is important enough for you to tell me about it, then it is important enough for me to understand. Please give me the courage to ask you for clarity on those things about this faith journey that frighten me and cause me confusion. Help me not to be afraid and to trust you...no matter the answer or where it leads me. I love you. In your name, Amen.

One Day At A Time

2010-03-31T11:20:00.000-05:00

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23

The day has finally arrived! Today marks the last day of a two year time span, set apart by the Lord, to focus on family and writing. The time frame was impressed upon me by the Spirit during my prayer time in the early spring of 2008.

April 2008-March 2010
2 years
24 months
104 weeks
728 days

Deep inside my soul, I know that I've accomplished something of greater value than I am able to comprehend. It has to do with obedience, one day at a time. It has to do with trusting Him with a large season of my life. It has to do with my faith being tested in ways that continually exposed my insecurities. It has to do with allowing the old root systems of faulty thinking, that run deep, to be exposed and uprooted. It has to do with discovering the joy in the routine of picking up my cross because I know it means spending time with Jesus.

I think I'll celebrate by heading outside to enjoy His beautiful creation and lift up my praises to the King!

Thank you, Jesus, for daily leading the way. Thank You, God, for your daily faithfulness. Thank you, Spirit for your daily presence. Your goodness has been with me, one day at a time. I love you! Amen.

Cancelled Debt

2010-03-30T09:00:00.003-05:00

"At the end of every seven years you must cancel debts. This is how it is to be done: Every creditor shall cancel the loan he has made to his fellow Israelite. He shall not require payment from his fellow Israelite or brother, because the LORD's time for canceling debts has been proclaimed." Deuteronomy 15:1-2

Those who were in debt: I am trying to imagine the joy and expectation as a people in bondage looked forward to the end of seven years. Once again, they could live in freedom. What a gift to be released from debt, released from the labors of servitude, released from the difficult circumstances they had managed to get themselves into or circumstances that had come their way through no fault of their own. They had permission to start over in the eyes of God and the eyes of the people.

Those who held the debts of others: I wonder what their thoughts and feelings were as the end of seven years approached and they were forced, by God's law, to cancel what was owed them. Did they see the end of the debt owed them as a release of sorts? Did they see the canceling of debts as a gift of freedom? Did they realize that they, too, had permission to start over in the eyes of God and the eyes of the people?

I am thinking of people I know whose pain and suffering run deep due to the debts owed to them. I have watched as they have struggled, some of them for a lifetime, to let go and move on with their lives. There is no freedom when life is lived with one hand open and the other clenched tight around a piece of paper that states what is still owed us.

If Jesus' life, death, and resurrection, as the Son of God, means my debt is cancelled then doesn't the same apply to the debt owed me?

Leaving a Witness

2010-03-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

"When they came to Jesus, they found the man from whom the demons had gone out, sitting at Jesus' feet, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. Those who had seen it told the people how the demon-possessed man had been cured. Then all the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear. So he got into the boat and left." Luke 8:35-37

Jesus heals one of their own and the people of Gerasenes come to see the proof for themselves. Their response is immediate and close-minded. Filled with fear, the group begs Jesus to leave. Where was their joy, their awestruck wonder at the sight of their brother "in his right mind"? Why weren't they celebrating his good fortune and inviting Jesus and the disciples into town for a meal? Why were they so afraid?

Perhaps it had something to do with the undeniable mass of floating pig carcasses in the nearby lake. Perhaps it had something to do with their inability to reconcile the sane man, fully dressed and looking them straight in the eye with the crazy one they had banished to live in the tombs. Or perhaps it was because they were afraid of the changes the one called Jesus might want to make in their lives.

Jesus knew it was pointless to stay with a people whose hearts were closed off to the blessing, healing and power he had to offer. So he left, but not without leaving behind a living, breathing witness.

"The man from whom the demons had gone out begged to go with him, but Jesus sent him away, saying, 'Return home and tell how much God has done for you.' So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him." Luke 8:39

Why, like the people of Gerasenes, do we refuse to invite Jesus into our lives? Why did I ask Jesus to stay away for so much of my life?

I was afraid of what he might see in me.
I was afraid of what he might change in me.
I was afraid of what he would ask me to do.

I was fearful because I didn't know him. So, what made me consider giving him a chance? It was the hard to ignore evidence of Jesus at work in the lives of people I knew and loved. I got to know enough about Jesus through other people until I was willing to take the risk of getting to know him for myself.

Thank you, Jesus, for placing so many people, as impossible-to-ignore examples of your redeeming power, in my life to influence me and teach me about who you are. Help me to remember that the way I live out my faith may very well be a witness to someone who is not, yet, ready to trust you. May I represent you well. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Listen Well

2010-03-28T08:45:00.000-05:00

"For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him." Luke 8:17-18

I am hearing Jesus' warning to listen well. His words encourage me to be open to the voice of the Spirit even when what I hear doesn't make sense or seem to have value. I am renewing my vow to tune into the whispers that proclaim the Mystery of God; to treat them with care and respect. I am claiming Jesus' promise that in the Father's perfect timing all will be made clear and what I have learned will not be taken from me.

Jesus, thank you for this reality. Help me to be open and receptive to the mysteries of God even when they don't make sense to me. You are my praise and you are my God (Deuteronomy 10:21)! All glory and honor is yours, forever and ever, Amen.

Worth It

2010-03-27T11:20:00.000-05:00

"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." Deuteronomy 8:2

Desert time.
A time for humbling.
A time for testing.
A time for knowing what is in my heart.
A time for seeing whether or not I will keep His commands.

It hasn't been 40 years but it has been almost two. A desert time of waiting, announced in advance by the Spirit; April 2008-April 2010. In the last 23 months, I have been humbled and tested; blessed and grieved as the contents of my heart have been exposed; victorious and defeated (at least, temporarily) when it comes to keeping His commands.

It is fitting that the last portion of my desert time coincides with Lent. God the Father has turned my eyes towards God the Son. I am framing the lessons I have learned and continue to learn through the teachings of the Spirit by studying Jesus.

How did he handle humbling?
How did he handle testing?
The contents of his heart were beyond reproach but how did he respond when he saw the contents of the hearts of the men and women around him?
How did he follow God's commands?

There is only one Jesus. And no matter how hard I try, I will never live up to the standards he set while he walked this earth. I'm learning to be okay with that mostly because I have come to accept that there is only one me.

Jesus knows me. Were he standing before me now I'm convinced that he would speak to me truthfully about the state of my heart; no sugar coating for him. It would be worth it. It is worth it to hear the truth spoken in love...to be exposed by the Light...in order to know the love of Jesus.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

A God Who Saves

2010-03-26T11:15:00.000-05:00

"Our God is a God who saves;

from the Sovereign LORD comes

escape from death."

Psalm 68:20

Our God is a God who saves.

I have been staring at that sentence for the last 30 minutes, trying to comprehend this God who saves and what that means to me. I've come up with two things:

1. He saves me while I'm living - my sins are forgiven & he leads me on this journey of faith.
2. He saves me when I die - he has given me the promise of eternal life spent with him.

This morning, I read about the time when Jesus and his disciples where in a town called Nain and came across a funeral for a young man (see Luke 7:11-17). Jesus sees the dead man's mother; is moved with compassion and tells her not to cry (v. 13).

When Jesus looked at the grieving mother he didn't just glance at her; he really saw her. What he saw made his heart go out to her. The King James Version says, "he had compassion on her." v. 13

saw - (from the greek eido) - properly, to see (literally or figuratively); to know
compassion - (from the greek splagchnizomai) - to have the bowels yearn, be moved with compassion

He saw the obvious...tears, wailing, grief, the support of a large crowd.
He saw the more subtle...she was widowed, without other children, without a means of survival.
He saw the hidden...that which only the Father would know...her future.
And he was moved to save.

Jesus saved the son when he died.
Jesus saved the mother while she was living.

Our God is a God who saves.

This Day

2010-03-25T08:15:00.000-05:00

"Acknowledge and take to heart this day that the LORD is God in heaven above and on the earth below. There is no other." Deuteronomy 4:39

Jesus' life is a living example of Deuteronomy 4:39. Every word he spoke...Every action he took...Every breath he inhaled and exhaled...testified to God's presence. I want to do the same.

Jesus, would you help me walk this out, today?

I acknowledge You, God.

I believe with all my heart

This Day

that You are God

in heaven and

on earth.

There is no other.

Only You.

Owning Our Sin

2010-03-24T20:00:00.001-05:00

"At that time, I pleaded with the LORD...Let me go over and see the good land beyond the Jordan - that fine hill country and Lebanon."

"But because of you the LORD was angry with me and would not listen to me. 'That is enough,' the LORD said. 'Do not speak to me anymore about this matter.'" Deuteronomy 3:23, 25-26

Poor Moses. He has led a rebellious, ungrateful people around the desert for forty years. He has faithfully escorted them to the front door of the promised land. There is only one problem: he doesn't get to cross the threshold.

Because of events that took place earlier in the journey, Moses lost his temper with the Israelites and, in the process, misrepresented God at the waters of Meribah (Numbers 20:7-12). Moses failed to honor God as holy in the sight of the people. And, now the fullness of his actions - his choice - is coming to fruition.

Moses pleads with God to change his mind. God cuts him off just as a parent cuts off a child when there is nothing left to discuss. Enough! What's done is done. Do not bring it up, again.

I assume that is the end of Moses' pleading with God but it doesn't stop him from telling the Israelites all about it. It doesn't prevent him from spreading the blame. It doesn't stop him from trying to inflict guilt amongst the people, "because of you the LORD was angry with me."

Because of you, I can't go to the promised land. It's all your fault.

What would have happened if Moses has said, "Because I lost my temper with you. Because I did not honor the LORD as holy. Because I did these things, I may not enter the land the LORD is giving you. Take care that you do not commit these same offenses against the LORD."?

Jesus walked this earth without sin. But all along the way, he encouraged others to own theirs. He wants me to do the same. He doesn't want me to spread the blame or try to make others feel guilty. He wants me to meet him at the cross where my failures can be dealt with properly.

He wants me to live in the freedom of forgiveness.

Prepared by the Desert

2010-03-23T11:30:00.000-05:00

"They said to him, 'John's disciples often fast and pray, and so do the disciples of the Pharisees, but yours go on eating and drinking.'" Luke 5:33

"One Sabbath Jesus was going through the grainfields, and his disciples began to pick some heads of grain, rub them in their hands and eat the kernels. Some of the Pharisees asked, 'Why are you doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?'" Luke 6:1-2

No matter where Jesus goes there are Pharisees and teachers of the law watching his every move. They watch and listen, question and challenge, not that they might understand his teachings but that they might discredit him.

His very existence threatens who they are and what they stand for.

I marvel at Jesus' ability to stay focused in the face of such hostile opposition. I consider the way he ministers with compassion no matter who is watching. I am grateful for his example of slipping away to quiet places to be with the Father in order to renew his strength and stay true to his purpose.

Earlier in his life, Jesus experienced forty days of fasting in the desert... Forty days of being tempted by the devil. I see how this time of testing has prepared him for the taunts and persecution of men.

It makes me think about my own times in the desert. One memory, in particular, of being sifted like wheat (Luke 22:31) will stay with me forever. It is an experience I never wish to repeat but I can see how it has prepared me for the challenges on this road of faith.

God was good to prepare Jesus, in advance, for his ministry. God has been good to prepare me for what lies ahead, too.

Thank you, Jesus, for your example and for leading the way.

Jesus Knows

2010-03-22T11:30:00.001-05:00

The Pharisees and the teachers of the law began thinking to themselves, "Who is this fellow who speaks blasphemy? Who can forgive sins but God alone?"

Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, "Why are you thinking these things in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? Luke 5:21-23

Jesus knew what they were thinking.

During the last two hours, as I have read God's Word for the day, copied down some of the Scripture in my journal, and asked for clarity about how I am to respond, I've been stumped. I have asked Jesus what he wants to teach me for the day. I've offered to stay at it until something comes to me, no matter how long it takes. I've even offered to bypass writing for the day, even though it would be the first time, during Lent, that I have done so. I just want to be obedient.

His response is to go back to the Word and search, again. This time, the one sentence that is mine for the day, stands out like a neon sign. Ironically, it isn't one that I copied down, earlier.

"Jesus knew what they were thinking..." (v. 22)

Now I know about the dangers of taking Scripture out of context. And I know the warnings about clinging to a partial sentence.
But for me...
For today...
this is my word.

My Savior knows what I am thinking and has asked me to consider the same.

It is not a pretty picture.

I acknowledge that during the last two hours, I have marred our holy time by jumping up to attend to other matters. In between listening for his voice, I have completed two loads of laundry; made arrangements for my daughter's cell phone to be returned from a Houston hotel; retrieved and responded to a text message; stopped to pray for my family; started a to-do list that quickly grew to 25 items; read an email and responded to a friend's invitation to have lunch. Is it any wonder I am having trouble hearing him?

He asks me, "What are you thinking about in your heart, right now?"

My spirit is quieted by his question. With clarity I see, not just the things that I have done and that still need to be done, but all the other stuff I have brought with me to the table this morning...unspoken things. He invites me to name them and I do. I pour out my heart to him about the concerns that are keeping me up at night; about the things that are going on in my life that I am not free to write about.

I had not realized the weight of the load I was carrying until I offered it up in prayer. It is a burden I am not meant to carry by myself. I hadn't realized I was doing so until he asked. I am aware, once again, of the part of me that likes to tuck away the difficult pieces of my life when they are painful. He reminds me that to tuck them away means I must carry them by myself. It is only when I share them that he can shoulder the load.

Thank you, Jesus, for knowing what I am thinking and for the gift of being able to share it with you. Your knowledge of me is reassuring. Thank you for blessing me. I love you.

He Came For Me

2010-03-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

"At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them. But he said, 'I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.'" Luke 4:42-43

Jesus never forgets why he was sent to earth.

Jesus never allows his ministry to be limited to a select few.

He came for all the people. He came for me.

Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!

Relating to Jesus

2010-03-20T10:45:00.000-05:00

"Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry." Luke 4:1-2

I pray to God the Father and go to Him for strength and courage.
I listen and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.
But when it comes to Jesus, I have a confession to make:

I struggle to relate to him on a day-to-day basis.

And because of my struggle, it has been my prayer, for some time now, to know him better. I want my relationship with Jesus to be more than gratitude for the gift of salvation. For too long I have treated him like fancy china that only gets taken out on special occasions. I am convinced that my life will be richer by inviting him to ordinary meals served on everyday dishes and the occasional paper plate. I just don't know how to do that, yet.

That is what this year's Lenten journey has become for me...a daily meal in the Word followed by reflection and dialogue with Jesus. I have submitted to the discipline of responding to the day's reading in light of Jesus and my relation to him. It has been a blessing and a challenge and a necessity. I can't move on in my day if I don't spend this time with him.

Today, when I think about Jesus' 40 days of being tempted in the desert, I am aware of an ongoing sticking point in my faith. I try to imagine what Jesus' time was like; hungry, the devil constantly in his face dangling propositions that would trip up the best of men. I am amazed at Jesus' responses but sooner or later I always add the asterisk *Well, yeah but, Jesus was God, so of course he could resist the devil.

So there it is: I relate to Jesus, up to a point, and then I add, somewhere in the back of my head, the asterisk. If I am completely honest and follow this line of personal thinking then what I am really saying is that somehow it was easier for him to resist temptation than it is for me.

The asterisk line of thinking brings about two consequences: I allow myself a way out from even trying to live up to the example of Christ. And I place distance between myself and my Savior.

Neither is acceptable to God. I am finally in a place in my journey where this is no longer acceptable to me.

Jesus, I want you to be a part of my life each and every day. Forgive me. Teach me. In your name I pray, Amen.

Striving For Both

2010-03-19T13:30:00.001-05:00

"My soul finds rest in God alone;

my salvation comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Psalm 62:1-2

Jesus knew the truth of the psalmist's words in Psalm 62:1-2. He never looked to anyone else but God to fulfill his soul's needs. Rest, salvation, rock, fortress...Jesus knew God was all this and more.

Did Jesus feel complete during the years that he walked this earth? Did he feel whole? Was he content? Or, did his soul yearn for the day when he would, once again, be reunited with the Father in heaven?

I am looking at the paragraph I just wrote and realize it is a reflection of my own struggle more than a reflection of Christ's life. I want Christ's life to be one or the other because that is how I have always measure mine. I am either content in God or I'm not.

But what happens, if instead of being one or the other, I strive for both?

What if I follow His lead, and go wherever it takes me and call that enough? What if I rest in Him and lean on Him for strength and protection, along the way? What if I find satisfaction and joy in each day's journey?

And...

What if I quit beating myself up over this place inside of me that is restless and empty and screams to be filled? What if I accept that this is a part of being His...this part of myself that can't get close enough to Him to ever be satisfied? What if I accept that I'm not supposed to be fully satisfied until I see Him face-to-face?

"My soul finds rest in God alone."

Satisfied and dissatisfied; from now on, I'm striving for both.

Claimed

2010-03-18T10:00:00.001-05:00

"When all the people were being baptized, Jesus was baptized too. And as he was praying, heaven was opened and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: 'You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.'" Luke 3:21-22

"You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased."

These aren't the words of a father speaking to a small child. These are the words of one man speaking to another man or, in this case, the Father speaking to the Son.

Children are accepting of such words. They do not find it hard to believe that God loves them and is pleased with them. They also receive this same message easily and naturally from the adults in their lives. I was one of these kids.

But somewhere in the growing up process I dismissed God's message and looked to the world for affirmation. Because my heart was no longer receptive to the whispers of the Father, there was always a part of me that longed for words I didn't even know I needed to hear. No matter how hard I searched, I couldn't find anyone or anything that made me feel whole with any consistency.

Many years later, my heart is open, once again.

You are mine.
I love you.
You bring me great pleasure.

To be claimed, to be loved, to know that my very existence elicits such a response from the Father's heart is simply overwhelming.

Thank You, Father, I receive it. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Praying to Grow

2010-03-17T20:00:00.000-05:00

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." Luke 2:52

As a praying mom, I have claimed this Scripture over each of my children, more times than I can count. We don't talk about it much but my kids know that I pray for them. It is just what I do.

They have grown up with the understanding that they are loved and prayed for. I wonder what a difference that makes in a child's life.

My early experiences with prayer were very different. Prayers were written by someone else to be read by others, usually in a corporate setting: Sunday mass, Baptism, Holy Communion, Confirmation. The rare grace spoken over a meal only happened when we had big get-togethers. I still recall my grandfather or one of my aunt's reciting a blessing that was comforting in its sameness.

I don't ever recall anyone praying over me or claiming Scripture on my behalf. Did anyone in the circles I grew up in even have an acquaintance with the words from Luke 2:52? I don't think so.

It wasn't until I went away to college that I met some people who knew God's Word. The first was Karen Robinson. Karen was my college roommate's big sister. She was married to Dave and was in her mid 20's. Karen and Dave led the Campus Crusade for Christ ministry for our college campus. Karen also led a Bible study at my sorority house. She gave me a Scripture to claim before I tried out for the cheerleading squad. I was desperate for all the help I could get so I looked it up. I still remember it (Isaiah 41:10). It was the first time I claimed God's Word for myself.

The second was Theresa Hobrock. I knew her as "Mom Hobrock." She was in her late 60's/early 70's and served as the House Mother for my sorority. Mom Hobrock had been widowed at a young age and raised five children on her own. She always gave God the credit for sustaining her through those early years. I will never forget the day she told me her story and she told of her response to God right after her husband had died. "Thy will be done." At the time, I didn't understand the faith behind her words, I only knew they were radical in the face of such an unfair situation.

Both Karen and Mom Hobrock loved Jesus in a way that set them apart. Obvious, in that they openly said they loved Jesus. Subtly, because they spoke with a wisdom that I could not fathom. They acted with a confidence that could only have been the favor of God. They knew Him well and their lives were a reflection of His love.

They also enjoyed the favor of men. I liked being around them. I liked to hear what they had to say even when I thought it was strange and weird and made my own life choices seem shallow in comparison. They were happy in a way that was not connected to their circumstances. Their joy came from the Lord.

Looking back now, I see what I didn't see back then: both of these women prayed for me. Their prayers had an impact on me even though I was not seeking a relationship with the Lord. I wasn't ready to grow in wisdom or favor but that did not stop them from praying.

Almost 30 years later, the prayers they prayed over me are being answered. Requests to the Father...made so long ago...are bearing fruit. The legacy continues as I pray for my own children and those God has placed in my life.

What a gift He has given me through others...to be prayed for.
What a gift He has made available to me...to pray for myself.
And what a gift He has invited me to share.

O Jesus, that we would submit our lives to the Father as you have done...that we would grow in wisdom and stature...that we would grow in favor with God and men...In your name, Amen.

Response

2010-03-16T10:15:00.000-05:00

"When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, 'Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.'

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told." Luke 2:15-20

The Good News of Jesus Christ requires a response.

The shepherds' response was to go to Bethlehem to see the Christ child, for themselves. When they encountered Christ, their response was to share what they knew about him with others...they witnessed. Afterwards, their response was to praise and glorify God.

I wish the Bible shared what their lives were like after they heard and seen the Good News. Did they live like changed men? Did they continue to witness to Christ's birth? Did they continue to give glory and praise to God? How did they respond in the day-in, day-out routine of life?

I am thinking about my day-in, day-out routine. Apart from my morning quiet time in His word and this daily response, does my day reflect the Good News of Jesus Christ? Do I reflect Him? There is no easy yes or no, more like a hundred opportunities each day to go one way or the other.

I don't want to spend my day with a tally sheet and yet, I don't want to go through the day blind to the ways I fall short. The only way to reflect Jesus with any consistency is to pray for the Holy Spirit to make me aware of the choices as they come available throughout the day.

Jesus, How can I reflect you if I do not have an awareness of you? May I take the time to remember what you have done for me and to connect to you. Holy Spirit, guide me through my day. Give me a supernatural awareness of the choices that are mine to make. Father, I would submit my will to Yours in order to bring You glory and honor. In Jesus Name, I pray, Amen.

Words Matter

2010-03-15T11:30:00.001-05:00

The words of Balaam to Balak, king of Moab:
"I must speak only what God puts in my mouth." Numbers 22:38
"Must I not speak what the LORD puts in my mouth?" Numbers 23:12

Zechariah, the priest, who was unable to speak for the nine months preceding his son's birth:
"He asked for a writing tablet, and to everyone's astonishment he wrote, 'His name is John.' Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue was loosed, and he began to speak, praising God." Luke 1:63-64

"A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor,
but a man of understanding holds his tongue." Proverbs 11:12

Words are important. Words are powerful. The words we speak can impart a blessing or a sting that remains long after the conversation is over. What we speak matters to God.

The right to self-expression isn't all it is cracked up to be. I have done so much damage by failing to filter my words through the Holy Spirit. Consistently submitting my tongue to Him requires great discipline. I cannot do this on my own.

Jesus kept his eyes on the Father. Everything he said, everything he did, was with God's plan, in mind. His purpose was to fulfill God's will and bring glory to Him. This singular goal set the boundaries for every word he spoke.

This morning, He waits for me to admit my need for Him when it comes to my words. He invites me to take the next step in the process; ask for His help. He impresses upon me the knowledge that I must do this each and every time I find myself in the place where I am speaking for myself with no thought of Him.

Help me, Jesus, I have so much to learn. Give me this day, my daily bread. Teach me what it means to do nothing on my own but speak what the Father has taught you (John 8:28). In your name, Amen.

Consequences and the Way Out

2010-03-14T09:45:00.000-05:00

But the people grew impatient on the way; they spoke against God and Moses...

Then the LORD sent venomous snakes among them; they bit the people and many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, "We sinned when we spoke against the LORD and against you. Pray that the LORD will take the snakes away from us." So Moses prayed for the people.

The LORD said to Moses, "Make a snake and put it up on a pole; anyone who is bitten can look at it and live." Numbers 21:4-9

God did not remove the snakes as the Israelites requested. Instead, He gave them a way to survive their consequences...gaze upon the bronze snake and live.

It is the same for me. The consequences of my sin is death; life apart from God. He gave me a way out...to gaze upon Christ lifted high on the cross...to believe in his death and resurrection...to accept the gift of salvation...and live.

Thank you, Father, for the gift of Your Son. Thank you, Jesus, for your blood which covers the consequences of my sin and purifies me in the presence of the Father. Thank you, Spirit, for your presence which guides me to a better way; encouraging me to leave my sinful ways behind and choose life. I love you. In Christ's Name, Amen.

Trusting In Him

2010-03-13T11:00:00.001-06:00

The LORD said to Moses, "Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink.

So Moses took the staff from the LORD's presence, just as he commanded him. He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, "Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?" Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.

But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them." Numbers 20:7-12

Moses forgets himself in a moment of anger and frustration.
He speaks rashly.
He acts impulsively.
Instead of obedience, he puts on a show of self-righteous indignation.

"You did not trust in me..."
God did not say, "You did not trust me, " he said, "You did not trust in me."
Moses believed God would make water come out of the rock.

"...enough to honor me as holy..."
But Moses did not trust in God enough to put aside his own anger.
He failed to obey in humility.
In the heat of the moment, he forgot Who he was representing.

"...in the sight of the Israelites..."
Moses misrepresented God before all the Israelites.
They have no way of knowing that Moses is speaking his own thoughts and acting of his own will. The miracle of water from a rock still occurs but it is tainted by the speech and actions of a man who has forgotten himself.

"You did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy."

When a teenager speaks words of defiance that pierce my heart and I slam the door hard enough to shake every window in the house...
When I harden my heart and refuse to consider I am in the wrong...
When the loneliness of walking with God in the desert gets to me and I can do nothing but complain...

In these moments, I am showing my own lack of trust in Him. It isn't that I don't trust Him. It is that I don't trust in Him to be enough in that particular moment. My words, my thoughts, my actions all point to my belief that the only thing that matters is me...my need for justice, my need to react to my pain, my need to protect myself, my need to fight back, my need to express myself freely.

When my obedience to God is overshadowed by my sense of self then I cannot honor Him as holy because I am in the way. There are consequences for such behavior. Moses and Aaron were not allowed to enter the promised land. For me, I have seen the consequences in the form of a broken relationship with God, limited invitations for ministry, and a lack of fruit in my service to Him.

If I look to Jesus then I see that there is no room for self if I am going to follow him. He bowed to the Father's will. And, at no time, did he get in the way of God's holiness.

It is only after bowing my head and submitting to His holy examination that I am free from the need to focus on myself and my needs. It is only after a time of repentance and brokenness that I am restored. It is only after admitting that He is enough that I am able to trust in Him as He has called me to do.

Lord, Forgive me for getting in Your way; for putting my needs before Yours. Please move me closer to a place where Your holiness is honored, all the time. Help me to surrender my will to Yours so that I don't need to slam a door or scream in frustration in order to feel I am heard. Help me to follow hard after the example of Jesus. I want to be right before You so that I can honor You as holy in the presence of others. Show me, Lord. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

He Will Sustain You

2010-03-12T11:30:00.001-06:00

"Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail)." Psalm 55:22 (Amplified)

Sometimes we find ourselves in a difficult situation where rescue is not an option.

We beg for deliverance and instead He says, "No." He gently, but firmly, answers in a way that closes the door on our heart's request to escape our circumstances. He shows us that there is no other way to move beyond our circumstances but to walk through them.

My heart is burdened, this morning, for many people who are hurting...those who have gone to God for rescue and instead been told gently, but firmly, "No." They are facing a walk through the valley of pain and suffering where their hurt will intensify. I am weighted with the understanding that they cannot go around; there is no escape.

Christ knows all about this human condition that seeks another way through suffering. He asked, in the garden of Gethsemane, to be released from the road that was leading to his death. Three times he asked for a different way out; each time submitting his request to the Father's will. God's answer was, "No." (Matthew 26:36-44) Christ's ultimate response was obedience. He submitted to the Father's plan.

Christ walked the hardest road of all and the Father sustained him, every step of the way. He will do no less for me or my friends. This is the truth I hold onto when I pray...that Jesus knows how hard it is to walk the road...that God will sustain those who lean on Him. For those who cannot see that far ahead, I am holding onto the hope and the joy that is to come.

Thank you, Lord, that you never let the righteous fall. In Your Name, I hope and pray and dare to believe, Amen.

Encounter

2010-03-11T08:30:00.003-06:00

"A certain man from Cyrene, Simon, the father of Alexander and Rufus, was passing by on his way in from the country, and they forced him to carry the cross." Mark 15:21

"And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, heard his cry and saw how he died, he said, 'Surely this man was the Son of God!'" Mark 15:39

"Some women were watching from a distance...In Galilee these women had followed him and cared for his needs. Many other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were also there." Mark 15:40-41

A stranger who is passing by, is forced into service on behalf of a man he has never met. He walks the road of death and shoulders the cross upon which another will die.

A soldier, doing his job, stands by as a condemned man hangs on a cross waiting for death. When he finally walks away he is convinced that he has seen the Son of God.

Women, at a distance, keep a death vigil as their beloved one suffers through the last moments of his life on earth. They serve him to his very last breath.

Random moment...
In the line of duty...
Or an act of love...

...an encounter with Jesus always changes our life.

Am I living out my days as if I expect to encounter him at any moment?
And am I living out my days prepared to represent him to someone else?

Jesus, help me to make the most of each encounter I experience today.

Without a Blindfold

2010-03-10T11:45:00.000-06:00

They all condemned his as worthy of death. Then some began to spit at him; they blindfolded him, struck him with their fists, and said, "Prophesy!" And the guard took him and beat him. Mark 14:64b-65

The high priest, chief priests, elders and teachers of the law unanimously condemn Jesus as worthy of death. Why the need to blindfold him now? So they can spit on him and hit him and jeer at him? No doubt, the blindfold gave them false courage for their cowardly actions but I don't think that is it.

I think they blindfolded Jesus because they could not bear to meet his eyes.

To look into his eyes is to see a true reflection of yourself.

To look into his eyes and see yourself...stripped of your own illusions...sinful, broken, incomplete...is painful. But to do so outside of a relationship with him is unbearable and unthinkable.

The truth is, apart from his grace and mercy, apart from the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, we cannot bear the reality of who we are.

Walking with Jesus means walking with our eyes open. It also means meeting the gaze of the One who loves us and knows us. It means resisting the urge to cover up the truth of what he sees.

Jesus, give me the courage to look into your eyes and see my true reflection. Help me to become more like you.

Stay Here and Keep Watch

2010-03-09T10:45:00.000-06:00

They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, "Sit here while I pray." He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch." Mark 14:32-34

"Stay here and keep watch."

Jesus invites us to accompany him on the road that leads to suffering. We walk with him because the alternative (to walk without him) is unimaginable. He tells us to stay and we do. But we would be less than honest if we didn't also admit our relief that we aren't asked to go any farther. We are told to keep watch and we nod our heads in affirmation. It isn't long though, before our eyes close in weariness and we drift off to sleep.

He tells us to stay and keep watch and we fail him, again and again.

Even so, we are His beloved. We are His chosen ones. We are the very people upon whom He has sent His Spirit and His power and His authority to go out and share the Good News. We are the broken men and women who have been called to be His love and His light to a world that knows only darkness.

In the course of our lives, we will have multiple opportunities to "stay and keep watch." He continues to invite us to do the hard things that purify our faith and reveal the motives of our hearts. We should expect to be asked. And we should never cease praying for the day when we will be able to keep our eyes open in obedience as we wait with Him.

Jesus, forgive me for all the times I have refused to walk the road of suffering with you. Forgive me for the relief I have felt when you have let me stop travelling and gone on ahead without me. Lord, why were my thoughts only for myself, in those moments, and so far from you and what you were going through? Forgive me for the many times I have sought refuge in sleep instead of staying awake with you. You know my heart. You know my sin.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for your grace and mercy which covers me and my brokenness. Thank you for your blood which was shed for me that I might be forgiven and free. I am free. Hallelujah!

Teach me how to stay awake with you in the dark hours when pain and suffering and death draw near. Teach me how to honor you as a companion in faith. Teach me, Jesus. I have so much to learn. In Your Name, Amen.

Extravagant Worship

2010-03-08T13:30:00.001-06:00

While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of a man known as Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.

Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor." And they rebuked her harshly.

"Leave her alone," said Jesus. "Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me." Mark 14:1-6

Every time I read this story, my senses go into overdrive. I hear the sound of a breaking jar. I register the gasp of those in attendance as they watch the woman raise the jar to Jesus' head. I see the perfume as it leaves the confines of the container and runs down his head. I watch as it drips off his hair and onto his robe, perhaps even making its way to his face. I register his stillness as he receives the fullness of her gift. And, finally, I am overwhelmed by the smell as the powerful fragrance fills the room.

The cost...
The spectacle...
The mess...
The disapproval...
The overpowering fragrance...
Even the Savior's response to her...
are secondary to this woman's need to worship the One she knows as Lord.

An inward response to Jesus Christ manifests itself in a display of outrageous love and extravagant worship.

"She has done a beautiful thing to me." v. 6b

I want to worship you like this, Jesus.

Preparing the Way With Thanks

2010-03-07T08:00:00.002-06:00

"He who sacrifices thank offerings

honors me,

and he prepares the way

so that I may show him

the salvation of God."

Psalm 50:23

Good morning, Father. I am bringing an offering of thanks to Your Throne of Grace. May it honor You and bring You glory. And may it prepare my soul for all that You desire to show me.

Your Word
My salvation
Freshly turned soil
Hawk flying overhead with a snake in its mouth
Look on my man's face after wrestling tree stump from the earth
Daughter home safe and sound
Dog breath
Dancing reflections of water on the ceiling
Sore muscles from a day in the yard
Jesus, who loves me
Hardwood floors
Single word answers from a 15 year old boy
Empty lines of a journal page waiting to be filled
Knowing that I know that I know that I know
Girl's head covered in soft curls
Notes of the piano filling the house
Phone call from a college boy
Technology that helps keep threads connected
Prompting of the Spirit to stop and pray
Dust bunnies
River rocks that mark the passage of time
More than enough
Your faithfulness
Voices joined in the melody of praise
The Movement of God
The gift of words

Giving Out of Poverty

2010-03-06T10:25:00.002-06:00

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny.

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything - all she had to live on." Mark 12:41-44

Jesus has positioned himself directly opposite the treasury. He watches as the people bring their money and throw it into the collection box. He is close enough to see even the smallest of coins (v.42).

Do the people see him? I believe so. I think they are aware of Jesus as they make their deposit. Are they unnerved by his presence? Do they meet his eyes and hold his gaze or do they quickly look away?

What does Jesus see? It is more than the quantity of coins.

He sees the pride in the one who makes a show of pouring in a great quantity.
He sees the defiance in the one who shortchanges God in order to keep more for himself.
He sees the clear conscience of the one who has brought what is required.
He sees the extravagant faith offering disguised by the confines of poverty.

He sees and he knows the condition of each individual's heart.

When I open my wallet to give of my finances...
When I open my calendar to give of my time...
When I open my heart to give of myself...

He sees and he knows the condition of my heart.

His words to the disciples, that day, remind me that Jesus does not measure the way the world measures. Jesus does not reward the way the world rewards. It is never about what I do in comparison with what someone else does. It is only about what I do in relation to who He is.

I am struggling with this. There is still a part of me that wants reassurance; wants a way to quantify my service to the Lord so I know I am doing enough.

Moving a year ago, all the while, heeding His order to be still and wait for direction has placed me in a physical, emotional, and spiritual poverty. For over 365 days, I haven't been called on to open my wallet, calendar or heart in the ways I am used to. I am in uncharted territory.

He has been teaching me about living in the poverty of stillness. He has confronted me with the poverty of waiting. I have discovered the poverty that comes from being unsure of every single thing in my life except for the reality that God is God.

Truly, my offerings to Him during this time have been meager. And yet, Jesus assures me that He is pleased.

Thank you, Jesus, for your assurance this day. Your pleasure is food for my hungry soul. Thank you.

In Error

2010-03-05T12:15:00.002-06:00

Jesus replied, "Are you not in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God?" Mark 12:24 (NIV)

The Amplified version puts it this way, "Is not this where you wander out of the way and go wrong...?"

Wandering off...

Heading down a rabbit trail...

Going in the wrong direction...

all because I do not know God's Word or His power.

It is true. Many a time I have forged a path of my own choosing because I was armed with little knowledge and even less understanding of God. More than once I have found myself lost and confused and with no idea of how to retrace my steps. And too often to count, I have cried out, "Help me. I am lost and I want to come home."

Jesus speaks plainly. If I want to stay on the path He has for me, then I must be in the Word and I must become familiar with the resurrection power that is available to me through Christ.

Several years ago, I took these words from Mark 12:24 to heart. What started out as studying His Word in order to know His Word, has turned into something richer; studying His Word in order to know Him. And somewhere along the way, my confession of immaturity, "I do believe; help my unbelief!"(Mark 9:24) has been transformed into a declaration of faith, "Nothing is too hard for You!" (Jeremiah 32:17).

Christ came so that I would not have to live my life in error.

Father, may my thoughts, my words, and my actions reflect the transforming grace of Your Word and Your Power. Thank you, Jesus, for being The Word. Thank you, Jesus, for your resurrection power. May each day of Lent bring me closer to the cross and you. In your name I pray, Amen.

More Like Him

2010-03-04T07:15:00.001-06:00

"Teacher, we know you are a man of integrity. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are; but you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth." Mark 12:14a

"We know you are a man of integrity..."
False sentiments from false lips and yet no truer word had been spoken. I am intrigued by the words used by the Pharisees and Herodians as they try to trap Jesus in a compromising conversation regarding following the letter of the law. They speak the truth about Jesus and testify to his name without realizing they are doing so.

"You aren't swayed by men..."
The KJV uses the word carest -(greek) ou - absolute negative; no, not, never
Jesus' message was never swayed by any man.

"You pay no attention to who they are..."
Jesus knew man before he ever arrived on earth. Men of power and influence did not change the way he did ministry.

"You teach the way of God in accordance with the truth."
Jesus was always teaching about the road to God in absolute truth.

Jesus, I want to live my life in a way that brings you honor. Teach me how to be a woman of integrity. Show me how to live a life that isn't swayed by men or who they are. Help me to walk the journey of faith in love and truth. Please, Jesus, teach me how to be more like you.

Amazed

2010-03-03T11:00:00.001-06:00

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. And as he taught them, he said, "Is it not written:

"'My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations'?

But you have made it 'a den of robbers.'"

The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching. Mark 11:15-18 (bold print mine)

Jesus is always teaching. He is master of the teachable moment. To be in his presence is a certain guarantee that his words and his actions will challenge the way I think, the way I do life, and force me to consider a better way. His way.

So how receptive am I to the lessons he has for me?

The big ones...where he overturns tables and benches...are hard to ignore. Sometimes the lesson is immediately clear. Other times, the image lingers until I am ready for the teaching that goes with it. Either way, they make a lasting impression.

The smaller ones...the lessons he weaves into the ordinary moments of my day...are harder to see. I miss them because I drift in and out of "connectedness" with him throughout the day.

Which is why it is so critical that I practice the discipline of seeking him.

It is up to me to go to Jesus' and ask for eyes to see and ears to hear...
It is up to me to daily make the time to sit down with His Word.
It is up to me to respond to the invitation to journal out those parts of His Word that speak to my soul.
It is up to me to reflect on past conversations, events and thoughts and jot down the bits and pieces for further consideration.
It is up to me to quiet myself in prayer...

The rest is up to Him.

He makes my morning quiet time a holy and set-apart space.
He connects the events of my day with lessons from his life.
He calls me to live by his radical example of love, service and faith.
He bestows unspeakable joy as I sit at his feet and soak in his presence.

He teaches me...and I am amazed.

Haven't I?

2010-03-02T10:30:00.000-06:00

"Jesus stopped and said, 'Call him.'

So they called to the blind man, 'Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you.' Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus." Mark 10:49-50

On the outskirts of Jericho, a blind beggar sits on the side of the road. He can't help but notice the large crowd as it walks by. When he discovers that Jesus is in the crowd he begins to shout,

"Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" v. 47

When he is rebuked and told to hush up, he yells even louder.

"Son of David, have mercy on me!" v. 48

Jesus hears the man. He stops and the entire traveling party comes to a halt.

"Call him." v. 49

With those two words, Jesus rewards the man's persistence and his traveling companions are invited to make their circle wider.

"Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." v. 49

The group, that moments before rebuked the beggar and told him to be quiet, now speaks to the man with goodwill.

"What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him.

The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see."

"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. v. 51-52

I know this beggar. I know the crowd. I have found myself in both roles at one time or another. Both are equally blind.

Haven't I yelled for the Savior to notice me? Haven't I insisted on Jesus' attention even when those around me have urged me to settle down?

Aren't I guilty of traveling with Jesus without seeing those on the side of the road? And though I may not have spoken the words aloud, haven't there been moments when I have thought to myself, "I wish that person would just be quiet"? Haven't I sung a different tune after witnessing Jesus' interaction with the individual who was invited to take his rightful place in the group?

Haven't I?

Lord Jesus, teach me how to see with your eyes.

Time In-Between

2010-03-01T10:00:00.001-06:00

"Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'"

"At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth." Mark 10:21-22

In Mark 10:17-31, a man asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life.

The man's body language, his use of words, his ultimate response all seem to indicate someone who has no ill intention towards Jesus. Instead, I see:

Eagerness and humility - "ran up to him and fell on his knees before him." v. 17
Desire to please - "Good Teacher" v. 17
Seeking to secure his future - "What must I do to inherit eternal life?" v. 17
Willingness to live within the law - "all these I have kept" v. 20
Need for affirmation - "Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy." v. 20

What does Jesus see?

He looks beyond the surface of the question and sees that the man lacks the most important thing of all: an unhindered path to Jesus.

He sees great wealth. He sees an accumulation of possessions. He sees the power that comes from title and position. He sees the security that comes from money. He sees the pride that accompanies a checklist of laws kept since childhood. He sees how all of these things added together create a monumental roadblock between life as the man knows it and the radical life required to follow Jesus Christ.

Jesus sees the roadblock and names it. He offers the man a way to clear the path. He invites the man to make the needed change in his life and then to join Jesus in ministry. Jesus knows, even as he speaks, what the man's response will be.

"How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!" v. 23

Jesus does not stop loving the wealthy man even though he is unable, unwilling, to do the hard thing Jesus has asked. There is no ridicule or condemnation in his voice. That is not the Savior's way.

Jesus speaks with understanding. He uses the encounter as a teaching moment for his disciples. He wants them to see as he sees. To understand as he understands. To have compassion as he has compassion. To love as he loves.

Following Jesus is not easy. Removing the things in my life which hinder my faith walk takes courage and great sacrifice. It also requires a radical change of heart. Quite often there is a lag in the time in-between the initial moment of understanding what I must do and the moment when I finally follow through in obedience. That lag time can be anywhere from a few minutes, to hours, days...sometimes, even, years.

Jesus taught his disciples understanding, compassion, and love. As his disciple, it is not my place to judge others as they struggle on their own journeys. Minutes, hours, days, years...if Jesus is willing to love me in the "time in-between" then I must be willing to do the same.

"Jesus looked at him and loved him." v. 21a

Please, Jesus, teach me how to love like you.

His Hand, His Light, His Love

2010-02-28T07:45:00.001-06:00

"It was not by their sword that they won the land,

nor did their arm bring them victory;

it was your right hand, your arm,

and the light of your face, for you loved them."

Psalm 44:3

A church service in the gymnasium. I stood in the back, in a darkened corner that was just beyond the reach of the lights. The pastor broke from the regular routine and initiated a time of prayer for those who were hurting; who needed help.

He invited them, the bruised, the bleeding, the angry, the empty, to raise a hand if they were in need of prayer. And he asked those who were seated nearby to reach out and pray for them.

From my corner, I watched as hands slowly raised caused a ripple of movement as others leaned in to support and encourage. Each need met as soon as it was revealed.

Something in me stilled as I sensed movement from the back row located ten feet in front of me. A young woman, with an infant in her arms, sat by herself. The other seats in her row were empty. Timidly, reluctantly she lifted her hand an inch or two above her shoulder.

No one witnessed her need. No one leaned in to offer their prayer and support. As she was processing the fact that she was alone, the Spirit was propelling me towards her. God's provision when she saw none.

Quietly walking up behind her, I placed my hands on her shoulders. Her hand, moments before raised in silent request, grabbed mine in gratitude. I began to pray.

I do not know what I prayed for. I do recall weeping as great waves of sorrow poured over me. On some level, I knew that she was crying, as well. I remember being aware of the deep love the Savior had for this woman and her child. The prayer continued even after the pastor moved on with the service. Eventually, the prayer came to a conclusion and I returned to my spot in the corner.

I can say, with certainty, that this was a unique moment for both of us. She did not turn to look at me. And I never felt the need to see her face. Instead, our focus was on the healing, redemptive power of Jesus Christ. Nothing else mattered but Him.

"You are my King and my God,

who decrees victories for Jacob.
Through you we push back our enemies;

through your name we trample our foes.

I do not trust in my bow,

my sword does not bring me victory;

but you give us victory over our enemies,

you put our adversaries to shame.

In God we make our boast all day long,

and we will praise your name forever."

Psalm 44:4-8

Head Knowledge vs Heart Knowledge

2010-02-27T13:30:00.002-06:00

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:23

From Mark 9:14-29 The Healing of a Boy From an Evil Spirit
I am seeing this story with new eyes, today.

Thank you, Jesus, for meeting me in between the lines of God's most holy Word.

Jesus, Peter, James and John catch up to the other disciples and find them surrounded by a crowd and teachers of the law. They are in the middle of an argument.

Jesus asks, "What are you arguing with them about?" v. 16

I assume he has directed the question to his disciples and, yet, a stranger from the crowd takes it upon himself to answer.

"Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not." v. 17-18

There is something so disturbing about this father's lack of emotion as he matter-of-factly lists his son's symptoms as if reading a medical chart. Where is his urgency? Why does he waste time outlining the facts when he could take advantage of his one-on-one encounter with the Healer and appeal to him for help for his child?

Instead of responding to the man, Jesus responds to the crowd,

"O unbelieving generation, how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me." v. 19

The weight of his words hangs heavy in the air. How long do I have to put up with your lack of faith?

The boy is brought to Jesus and immediately falls to the ground in convulsions.

Jesus asks the father a question,

"How long has he been like this?" v 21

Why doesn't he just heal the boy? Why does he need to ask the father this question?

Because the father needs healing, too.

Earlier in the gospel of Mark we are told that Jesus' work is limited when there is a lack of faith (Mark 6:5-6).

With every question the father answers, he sheds further light on the unbelieving condition of his heart. There is no connection between his head knowledge and his heart knowledge.

If he were responding from his heart how could he have tolerated questions and answers while his son lay writhing on the ground? Why would he be willing to wait even a second longer for his son's healing? Why doesn't he do what so many before him have done; throw himself at Jesus' feet and beg (Mark 1:40; 2:1-2; 5:21-34; 5:35-43; 6:56; 7:24-30; 8:22-26)?

It turns out he is every bit as sick as his son.

"But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." v.22

The father's reply, in the context of his earlier responses, shows that he doesn't really expect Jesus to help him. He doesn't believe Jesus can help him.

Jesus replies to the man's lack of faith with strong words,

"If you can? Everything is possible for him who believes." v. 23

In that moment, the man's life changes forever. Was it Jesus' words? Was it the tone of voice? Or was it the look in Jesus' eyes that made the father realize just who he was speaking to?

For the first time, he responds from the heart,

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" v. 24

He is willing and ready to believe. His heart is split wide open and the long buried hopes and dreams of a father, for a son, rise to the surface.

Without wasting another moment, Jesus rebukes the evil spirit and the boy is free.

Later, the disciples ask Jesus why they couldn't drive out the evil spirit (v. 28). He responds, "This kind can come out only by prayer and fasting." v. 29

I've always thought Jesus was referring to the evil spirit when he said, "This kind." Now, I'm not so sure that he wasn't referring to the bigger healing that had to take place in this family. The father had to be healed in order to bring his son to Jesus.

Jesus moves in response to our heart cry. He heals when our posture reflects a humble, hungry, hopeful heart.

This kind of healing...this bigger picture healing, is hard work.
Prayers...
Fasting...

We, the disciples of Christ, are called to believe on behalf of those who have yet to make a connection between their head knowledge and their heart knowledge. We must hold them up to the throne of God until they can encounter Jesus for themselves.

Jesus, help me to be willing to do the hard work on behalf of those who do not know you yet. I love you. In your name, Amen.

The Things of Men

2010-02-26T09:45:00.001-06:00

But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. "Get behind me, Satan!" he said. "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." Mark 8:33

"Get behind me, Satan!"

I've often wondered how Peter felt when Jesus spoke those words.

Was he offended? Was he angry? Did his fists curl in an involuntary moment of self-preservation?

Was he confused? Was he hurt? Did he react in disbelief that his friend, his teacher, would address him in such a way?

Was he ashamed? Was he humbled? Did he get it? Did the truth of Jesus' words wash over him in a wave of understanding?

We don't know; Scripture doesn't say.

"You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

The Lord has been teaching me about the meaning of that particular phrase for years now. Perhaps because I have been in an extended season of watching and listening versus doing and leading... I have had the eyes to see and ears to hear things which would otherwise have gone unnoticed. And what I have observed within myself and within others grieves me to no end.

I do not type these next words easily. I have sat at my keyboard praying for discernment...and finally, the courage to say what comes next.

I am convinced that there is much damage done within the church by the Body of Christ because we plan, we advise, we speak, and we act from a mindset that does not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.

The worst part of this is that we do these things under the false belief that we are acting "in the name of Jesus."

The need to be in control.
The need for power.
The need for a happy ending.
The need to hold on.
The need to protect.
The need to be loved.
The need to help.
The need to fix.
The need to do something, anything, but wait.
The need to enforce our own agenda.

He is asking me to pause today and consider things His way...

"The LORD established the kingdom under his control; and all Judah brought gifts to Jehoshaphat, so that he had great wealth and honor." 2 Chronicles 17:5

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." 2 Corinthians 4:7

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Philippians 4:11

"Jesus said, 'Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.''' John 20:17

"I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name - the name you gave me - so that they may be one as we are one." John 17:11

"No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God." John 16:27

"My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:2

"In that day I will restore David's fallen tent. I will repair its broken places, restore its ruins, and build it as it used to be," Amos 9:11

"But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for his counsel." Psalm 106:13

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9

So what have I learned? What am I still learning?

To listen well.
To ask questions when I don't understand or agree.
To speak only when necessary.
To seek God's direction.
To concede my needs and my desires and make room for His.

If I can do these things...then I will not hinder the journey of the church, of my brothers and sisters-in-Christ, or myself as we make our way to the cross.

Lord Jesus, let it be so.

Fed By The Savior

2010-02-25T14:00:00.000-06:00

"I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat. If I send them home hungry, they will collapse on the way, because some of them have come a long distance." Mark 8:2

A crowd of 4,000 has gathered around Jesus. For three days they sit and listen as he teaches parable after parable. Now the time has come for Jesus and the disciples to travel to their next divine appointment and for the people to go home. Jesus insists on feeding the people before they leave.

From seven loaves and a few small fish, Jesus prepares a meal that feeds them all.

"The people ate and were satisfied." v. 8

Then, and only then does Jesus send the crowd away.

It isn't in Jesus' nature to let us leave with an empty belly. He feeds us before sending us on our way.

I know this to be true.

Last month, while attending a youth retreat with my old church, I experienced this truth. I was able to spend a long weekend with adults and teenagers who are near and dear to my heart. During that time there was a lot of giving and receiving hugs, smiles, and words of affirmation. I was able, once again, to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with brothers and sisters-in-Christ in service to our Lord. I prayed and praised God with a community of believers that I have missed during this past year since our move.

I was fed by the Savior, himself. I ate until I was full. And I left satisfied.

He always feeds me before sending me on my way.

May I be ever aware of the nourishment that is mine in Christ Jesus.
And may praise always be on my lips.

"Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for men,

for he satisfies the thirsty

and fills the hungry with good things."

Psalm 107:8-9

Free to Choose

2010-02-24T09:00:00.000-06:00

"Tell your brother Aaron not to come whenever he chooses into the Most Holy Place behind the curtain in front of the atonement cover on the ark, or else he will die, because I appear in the cloud over the atonement cover." (The LORD talking to Moses) Leviticus 16:2

I am working my way through the book of Leviticus. It is not easy to read. In great detail, God spells out the laws and regulations to be followed by the priests in the matter of offerings and worship. To stray from the rules is to offend the Almighty. To offend the Almighty is to die. Two of Aaron's sons have already lost their lives because, "they offered unauthorized fire before the LORD." (Leviticus 10:1)

The LORD tells Moses to warn his brother that he is not free to come and go before the LORD as he pleases. To be in God's presence, without permission, without following the right protocol, is certain death.

I do not have that same restriction.

God has offered up the perfect and final sacrifice for me. Jesus Christ has made atonement for all of my sins. And because Christ shed his blood for me, I am free to approach the Throne of Grace whenever I choose.

He does not force me to come.
He does not restrict my coming.

The invitation to draw near to Him is always open.

So what is it in me that often keeps me at a distance?

Why do I choose to live anywhere, everywhere, but near the cross where His grace and mercy flow freely?

How is it possible that I readily accept the assurance of my salvation...the assurance of the open invitation to enter His presence...and yet, too rarely follow through by drawing near to Him?

And what makes me think that living, even for one day, apart from His Intimate Presence is living, at all?

"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." Hebrews 10:22

Heart Sediment

2010-02-23T10:45:00.001-06:00

About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified.

Immediately he spoke to them and said, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. Mark 6:48b-52

The disciples have had a long day. The original plan to go somewhere quiet and rest with Jesus is turned upside down when the crowd of 5,000 finds them. Instead of resting, Jesus spends the day teaching those who have gathered.

When it is time to eat, the disciples watch as Jesus feeds the crowds from a meager portion of five loaves and two fish. They are there when 12 baskets of leftovers are gathered. They have front row seats to the power and authority of Jesus Christ on display.

Now it is late at night. The disciples have left Jesus behind and are heading across the lake. As they struggle to row the boat into the wind, Jesus joins them in a most unconventional way; he walks out onto the water.

When the disciples see him they are terrified (v. 50). The King James Version says they were "troubled."

I head to my concordance for some more information:
troubled - from the greek tarasso - to stir or agitate (roil water)

Next I head to the dictionary:
roil - to make turbid by stirring up the sediment or dregs of; to stir up (see disturb, disorder)

turbid - thick or opaque with or as if with roiled sediment; deficient in clarity or purity; characterized by or producing obscurity (as of mind or emotions)

So the disciples encounter with Jesus does not frighten them so much as it disturbs them. What might have seemed clear to them earlier, about Jesus, no longer applies. It was as Jesus took a stick and reaching down deep into the clear water of their hearts, stirred up all the sediment and dregs that had settled on the bottom. What once seemed clear is now muddy.

The disciples are back to square one. Who is this man?

Jesus climbs into the boat and the wind dies down. According to verse 51, the disciples are "completely amazed" (NIV) or "sore amazed" (KJV).

Back to my concordance again:
sore - from the greek lian - much, exceedingly, great
amazed - from the greek existemi - to put (stand) out of wits

The disciples were exceedingly out of their wits. They are temporarily insane over this encounter with Jesus the Christ. Why?

"Because their hearts were hardened." v. 52

They did not get what they were supposed to get from the miracle of the loaves because their hearts were hard. They may have thought they understood. They may have acted like they understood. But when Jesus comes to them on the water their reactions reveal the true condition of their hearts.

Sooner or later it happens to all of us. We think we understand. We act like it makes sense. But then Jesus comes walking up to us, meeting us in the most unexpected way and our reaction betrays us. Our hearts are stirred up. Dregs are revealed. We are disturbed and do not understand.

And we realize; we only thought we knew him.

I think the best part of this story is what happens after their hardened hearts are revealed. Jesus gets in the boat with them. He journeys with them across the lake to the other side. He does not abandon them for their lack of understanding. He invites them to stay by his side. He continues teaching them. He continues explaining when they don't understand. He loves them through it all.

I am thinking of those moments when the sediment of my heart has been stirred up by the Savior. I am thinking of the embarrassment that comes when the dregs are exposed and I realize I only thought I knew him.

I am grateful that after He sheds His light on those places in me, He does not turn away.

Thank you, Jesus, for the grace and mercy which covers my ugly, muddy heart. Thank you for leading me to understanding. And thank you, for Your love which led You to the cross on my behalf. I love you.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

Psalm 51:10

Expectation

2010-02-21T10:00:00.000-06:00

"Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, 'Don't be afraid; just believe.'" Mark 5:36

I spent some time in Mark 5:21-43, this morning. Two healings take place; a 12 year old girl is brought back from the dead and a woman with a bleeding problem is healed after 12 years of suffering.

Jesus is on his way to the home of the dying little girl. The girl's father, Jairus, a synagogue ruler is with him. The disciples are there. The crowd, that was with Jesus when Jairus came to ask for help, follows along. They want to be wherever Jesus is going. They follow in expectation.

The woman who suffers from a chronic bleeding condition is in the crowd. She works her way through the masses in order to touch Jesus' cloak. She believes,

"If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Mark 5:38

She does touch his cloak. She is healed. Jesus stops the entourage and insists on knowing who was healed. She comes forward, falls to her feet, and "told him the whole truth." (Mark 5:33) A private healing moment turns into an invitation to share her story with the masses.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." v. 34

Jairus witnesses the entire encounter. Meanwhile, men from his home show up with bad news.

"Your daughter is dead. Why bother the teacher any more?" v. 35

Why bother?

They speak with finality. Without hope.

Ignoring their report, Jesus speaks words of his own to Jairus,

"Don't be afraid; just believe." v. 36

At this point, Jesus gets rid of the crowd and only brings three of his disciples with him. At the house, a different crowd greets them...crying, wailing, mourning. A people with no hope. They laugh at Jesus when he tells them there is no need for tears...the child is merely asleep.

They laugh at Jesus.

He clears the house of everyone but the girl's parents, himself, and Peter, James and John. To their complete astonishment (v. 42), he heals the child. Afterwards he gives them strict orders not to tell anyone about it. (v. 43).

I have been puzzling over the contrast in these two healings.

Why is it that some encounters with Jesus strengthen our faith and invite us to share our story in the context of community?

Why is it that other encounters with Jesus are meant to strengthen our faith but only in the privacy of our relationship with Him?

And I've been thinking about the two distinctly different communities where the healings took place:

1. A group of people who expected miracles from Jesus. They were open and waiting for Jesus to act. They were hungry with hope. They believed the impossible was possible with Jesus in their midst.

2. A group of people who expected nothing from Jesus. They were close-minded and without hope. Instead of clinging to the truth Jesus spoke; they laughed in his face.

Why are some groups more expectant of Jesus showing up and moving in a powerful way than others?
And how do I, as a member of the community, contribute to that expectation that Jesus will move?

I want to live my life as if I expect Him to move. I want to live my life as if I believe He is moving right now.

Help me, Jesus.

Enough

2010-02-20T08:30:00.000-06:00

"Moses said to Aaron, 'Come to the altar and sacrifice your sin offering and your burnt offering and make atonement for yourself and the people; sacrifice the offering that is for the people and make atonement for them, as the LORD has commanded.'" v. 7

"So Aaron came to the altar and slaughtered the calf..." v. 8 Leviticus 9

After receiving instructions from the LORD, Moses has given Aaron a laundry list of dos and don'ts for making sacrifices that are acceptable to Him. I find myself thinking about the first time Aaron comes before the LORD to present the offerings.

Was Aaron scared?
Did he worry about doing everything just right?
Did he wonder if his offering would please the LORD?
Did his hands tremble?
Did his stomach jump with butterflies?
Did he feel the weight/guilt of his sin and the sin of the people as he lay his hand on the head of that Innocent animal, cut its throat and watched its life blood drain away?
Did he wonder if everything he did would be enough to please the LORD?

And how does this relate to me?
Aren't there times when I come before the Lord feeling the same way?

Afraid...
Worried about doing everything just right...
Wondering if my offering (prayer, service, self) will please the Lord...
Sometimes my hands tremble...
And my stomach is filled with butterflies...
I have felt the weight of my sin as I have approached the presence of the Lord.

But, too, rarely do I go the next step.

Placing my hand on the Savior's head...
Wrapping my hand around the nail and picking up the hammer...
Staking the hands and feet of my Lord onto the cross...
And then waiting with him as his life blood is poured out for me.

Too often I live my life as if the sacrifice of Jesus isn't enough to pay the debt for me.

It is enough.

I want my life to bear witness to this truth ALL the time...

Help me, Jesus.

Ears to Hear

2010-02-19T08:30:00.000-06:00

"Consider carefully what you hear," he continued. "With the measure you use, it will be measured to you - and even more. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him." Mark 4:24-25

Jesus sits in a boat and teaches parables to the crowd on the shore. He speaks about the farmer and the seed. He ends his story with the words,

"He who has ears to hear, let him hear." Mark 4:9

They are in the presence of The Word Made Flesh...and it isn't enough.
They listen as he shares life giving words...and it isn't enough.

Because they don't have "ears to hear."

Later, Jesus is having a private discussion with his disciples. They have questions about the parables that Jesus shared earlier. What does he tell them?

You are different...
"The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you." v 11a

You have a long way to go...
"Don't you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable?" v. 13

He goes on to explain the parable. Again, he declares,
"If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." v. 23

He follows that up with a clear warning to listen and carefully consider well what is heard (see Mark 4:24-25 above).

Lord,
Forgive me for all the times I have listened but not heard.
Forgive me for all the times I have been in Your presence and still been unsatisfied.
Forgive me for all the times the poor condition of the soil of my heart has made it impossible for the seed of Your Word to take root and grow.
I do not want to miss out on the wonder of being in Your presence any longer.
I want to have ears that hear.
Would you give me those ears, Lord, and show me how to carefully consider all that You are speaking to me, this day?
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Ignoring Directions

2010-02-18T07:15:00.003-06:00

"Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning: 'See that you don't tell this to anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them.'" Mark 1:43-44

A man with leprosy approaches Jesus and falls to his knees.

"If you are willing, you can make me clean." Mark 1:40

Jesus is willing. He heals the leper and immediately sends him away with specific directions:

Don't talk to anyone.
Go directly to the priest and present yourself.
Offer a sacrifice in keeping with the law of Moses...
That your healing would serve as a witness for those who do not believe.

A small thing to ask considering the fact that the man has just received his life back.

"Instead he went out and began to talk freely, spreading the news." Mark 1:45a

Everytime I read this story, I identify with the leper. I am right there with him; dancing, celebrating and spreading the good news that Jesus heals. Who can blame him for forgetting, in his exuberance, what Jesus told him to do?

But because the leper ignores Jesus' directions there are consequences. And those consequences have a direct effect on the Healer, himself.

"As a result, Jesus could no longer enter a town openly but stayed outside in lonely places. Yet the people still came to him from everywhere." Mark 1:45b

He could no longer enter a town without being mobbed. He could no longer take refuge in someone's home for a quiet meal or sleep in a bed without being disturbed. Instead, God With Us called the "lonely places" home...and even there the people found him.

I am the leper...condemned, unclean, begging, eyes on the Savior...
willing to do whatever Jesus tell me to in order to be healed.

And I am the leper...saved, clean, exuberant, eyes on myself...
forgetting Him in the joy of the healing moment.

Forgive me this I pray.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

Matthew 7:7

2010-02-17T11:15:00.001-06:00

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." -- Mathew 7:7

According to the calendar, today marks the beginning of Lent. For the next 40 days my focus should be on my journey with Christ to the cross. I take stock of my spiritual well-being:

I feel unprepared.

I feel uninspired.

I feel disconnected from the very One I am supposed to journey with.

My eyes fall upon the plaque that is on the wall directly across from my seat at the kitchen table.

A few months ago, when I chose a spot to hang this 12x12 Scripture reference from the book of Matthew, I didn't give it much thought. It just seemed a good fit for the little alcove just beyond the breakfast area. Now I know why.

I sense Him waiting on me to follow through with the invitation of Matthew 7:7. I take a deep breath and pray,

Jesus, take me by the hand and lead me on the journey to the cross.

Show me what I need to learn. Uncover the things in me that must go. Draw me closer to your heart. Teach me how to love like you. Prepare me for whatever comes next.

Open the door, Lord. It's me and I want to be with you.

They Said,"Yes."

2010-01-26T10:00:00.002-06:00

Another moment from youth camp:

It is Saturday evening. A group of adults gather in the middle of the empty Tabernacle. Without the rows of chairs, which are now stacked against the walls, it is a cavernous space.

Josh, the youth director, guides the adults in a prayer inviting God to come and fill the room with His presence. Soon the air echoes with the voices of men and women calling on God to come and change the lives of the youth who will soon enter this place.

At the same time, from behind a curtain near the stage, the worship team gathers. Pastor Ryan leads the group in a prayer for God to move in a mighty way. His voice is joined by the other members of the group as they simultaneously raise their voices in prayer.

From both sides of the curtain voices mingle in a heartfelt cry for God to reign down on us. There is an air of expectation. We know God will show up and we are ready.

Young people begin to enter the room and are hugged by the adults who stand waiting. The hugs break down invisible defenses. The youth talk and laugh as they wait for the rest of the students to take their seats. They are a relaxed and happy bunch.

Most of the worship band has taken their place on stage. Surrendered to the Father's will; they watch, they pray, and they wait. Mark, the worship leader is still back stage behind the curtain.

Mark is stretched out on the floor, deep in prayer. The very air around him vibrates as he communes with the Holy Spirit. I pray for his strength and obedience knowing he is being prepared for the word he will speak tonight.

Finally, Mark takes the stage and straps on his guitar. He begins singing the opening lines to a worship song. Even though I am behind the curtain, I can sense that the youth are unfocused and not ready to worship. The air is thick with the presence of the Holy Spirit and yet they have not recognized His presence.

I am grieved. I am frustrated. I am impatient. A part of me wants to step up on the stage, grab the microphone and demand that they be still. In my mind, I cry out to each of them,

"Do you not know what is coming? Indeed, Who is already come?"

In an instant, I am filled with remorse. I seek the hard concrete and lie down, face first in repentance.

I am sorry, Father. Forgive me for my judgmental thoughts. Remove them now for I am of no use to You in this state of mind.

I will trust Your timing, Lord. And I do trust Your plan for the lives of each person in this room. I am here in agreement with You. Do what must be done in me, Lord. Do what You must in each of us, Lord. We need You. Call us to Yourself.

I stay on the floor. I can't get up. My role for this evening is submissive prayer. Numb from the cold concrete, eyes closed and with no sense of time...the rest of the evening's events run together.

Mark stops singing and begins talking. Restless teenagers settle down. Mark shares a story of how God recently made Himself evident through his young daughter, Lauren. The story is simple yet powerful. It brushes against that hungry place inside each of us that longs for the loving touch of Abba, Father.

More words from Mark give way to worship with song. Music gives way to Pastor Ryan's voice. God's Word is opened. Scripture is proclaimed.

Ryan shares the story of a pivotal moment in his life. He paints a vivid picture with words. When he is done, the pleading eyes and the determined voice of a little orphan boy from Africa sear my soul.

"Papa, allez." Father, let's go.

I know that little boy. I am that little boy. Ryan has given words to the inexpressible longing that is always with me...a child who longs for the Father...who knows that a life apart from Him is no life at all. I find myself weeping and praying,

Yes, Papa. Allez. Let's go. Take me with You.

I sense God acknowledging my tear stained face and I am comforted by His presence. But even as He wipes my tears away, He multiplies them. I understand. I am no longer crying for myself but for the very ones I condemned just a short time earlier.

Papa, allez. Take us with you.

At some point in all of this, invitations are issued:

"If you would take Jesus as your Lord and Savior..."

"If you have already accepted Jesus Christ and are ready to follow him...to live a life that matters..."

Hearts are opened and searched. Egos are poured out and emptiness revealed. The Spirit is invited to fill in the void.

In an overwhelming response, they say, "yes." Youth and adults, alike, say, "yes," to the Father, "yes," to the Son, and, "yes," to the Holy Spirit.

"Yes," to a life that matters.

"Yes,"to a life of sacrifice and meaning.

"Yes"to becoming a part of the Movement of God.

And because of their response, the ground shifts in the room.

I may not have seen a thing but stretched out on the floor, behind the curtain, I feel the earth move. I hold on tight as the entire room tilts with the redistributed weight of youth and adults who move closer to the cross.

They said, "Yes."

And we will never be the same.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." -- Matthew 16:24-25

Sword of the Spirit

2010-01-23T14:30:00.000-06:00

(Photo taken by Alessio Miceli )

Another moment from last weekend's youth camp.

The building designated for worship is located at the far end of camp. Rows of beat-up plastic chairs line the concrete floor. Rough wood paneled walls are painted white. Save for the large wooden cross that stands to one side of the stage, there is nothing in this room to identify it as God's house.

Adult volunteers begin to arrive ready to serve. Many are greeted with a question,

"Do you have a favorite Scripture?"

"Yes, why?"

"Would you write it down on this index card so it can be placed on one of the walls?"

A Bible is opened. The pages of God's Holy Word are stirred. Men and women bow their heads in thoughtful concentration. Busyness is stilled as spirit reaches out to Spirit.

The smell of magic markers fills the air as letters take shape on paper. Letters give way to words and words to full sentences.

One by one the completed cards are taped to the walls, window sills and doorways.

God's Word copied out by hand.

The Father is pleased.

More blank cards are requested. How do you limit your favorite Scripture to just one? The movement of the Spirit is palpable as God's promises take their rightful place around the perimeter.

Walking to the center of the room, I slowly turn in a circle while surveying the walls. Every five to ten feet, a card testifies to His goodness, His plan, His love, and His victory. We are surrounded, enveloped, hemmed in by the very Word of God.

An ordinary room. Ordinary walls. Ordinary 4x6 notecards. Ordinary, no longer.

Come, Lord Jesus, come.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power." -- Ephesians 6:10

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." --Ephesians 6:17

Broken For You

2010-01-22T14:20:00.001-06:00

"And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, 'This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.'" -- Luke 22:19

I had the privilege of serving at a church youth camp this past weekend. Over 350 jr. and sr. high students were in attendance. The weekend was filled with the kind of moments that just beg to be shared with others.

Sunday night was a Communion Service. We gathered in the Tabernacle. A sea of youth sat on the concrete floor while most of the adults (100+) opted for chairs located along the sides and back of the room.

Josh, the Youth Director, began the service by talking about how each of our faith journeys has been paved by the sacrifice and faithfulness of the men and women who have gone before us. We stand on the shoulders of spiritual giants...not one of us stands alone.

He spoke of the 60 years of ministry of Pastor Greg Robertson and his wife Donna...of the spiritual legacy they have established in the name of Jesus Christ. Pastor Greg - tall, white haired, wise and faithful, with a voice so deep it makes me think of the prophets of old. Donna - lovely, Donna, always smiling with a joy that radiates from within.

Josh presented Pastor Greg with a plaque from the youth ministry and to Donna he gave a lovely bouquet of flowers. We prayed a blessing over this holy man and holy woman. It felt good and right to do so. Pastor Greg spoke of his love for us, "You are my family." We felt loved and we loved them, in return.

Then Pastor Greg conducted the Communion Celebration. And I say celebration because that is exactly what it was. Pastor Greg held the microphone as he spoke the words over the bread and juice. When he was finished speaking, he set the microphone down and slowly picked up the loaf of bread. You could have heard a pin drop as he raised the bread slowly, reverently up to the heavens.

We waited as he prepared to break the bread as we have seen done so many times before. Only this time was different. Pastor Greg grasped the ends of the loaf and instead of gently splitting it apart, he tore the bread in a way that sent crumbs flying every which way.

He literally ripped it in half.

With strength.

With violence.

With finality.

I involuntarily sucked in my breath at the image of Jesus' body being broken for me.

And then the oddest thing happened...

the youth began to clap and cheer...spontaneous, joyful applause...as if they couldn't help themselves.

Thank you, Jesus, for your body which was broken for us!

The room returned to silence as Pastor Greg set down the bread. All eyes watched in anticipation as he picked up the cup filled with juice. Ever so slowly he raised it in thanksgiving. Once again, the room broke out in clapping and cheers.

Thank you, Jesus, for your blood which was poured out for us!

That night, Pastor Greg led us in a Communion celebration that I will not forget. Never before have I seen youth celebrate communion with such joy and thanksgiving. Never before has the sacrifice of Jesus Christ been so clear to me. My heart is full of gratitude.

Thank You, Abba, for the spiritual giants who have gone before us on this journey of faith. Thank You for their selflessness, their faithfulness, and their obedience that has helped pave the way for me to follow You. And, thank you, Jesus, for your body broken for me that my sins are forgiven. I am eternally grateful. May I never forget the joy of this special day. In your name I pray, Amen.

Shield of Faith

2010-01-20T16:00:00.002-06:00

"In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." -- Ephesians 6:16

Last night my phone rang. Caller ID let me know that it was a friend. I answered my phone in anticipation but was stopped in my tracks by the exhaustion in her voice.

"Do you have a minute? I have had a really hard day and need to talk to someone."

I listened as she briefly recounted the difficulty of the day's events. The Lord had placed her in a position to speak to many fearful people in a short period of time. In conversation after conversation, she was called to remind others to take their eyes off of overwhelming circumstances and to focus on God's goodness and sovereignty.

As she spoke to me I envisioned my friend on the battlefield, in full battle gear, holding up her shield of faith. One by one she shielded herself and those she spoke to from all the flaming arrows of the evil one. She stood firm and each fiery dart was extinguished as it landed. But there was no time to remove any of the arrows from her shield. They were coming too fast and furious.

By the end of the day, the added weight of the arrows had taken their toll. Her knees were buckling and her arm was unable to support the now heavy shield. That is when she called me.

I prayed for my friend using words supplied by the Holy Spirit. I praised our God; who gives and takes away. I lifted high the name of the Lord who has authority over all things. I bound the work of the enemy and loosed the blessings of God - all in the name of Jesus Christ.

I prayed words of promise to stand over my friend with my shield of faith as she rested on the battlefield. I agreed to cover her until she could remove the accumulated arrows and, once again, pick up her shield for herself.

There was power released in that prayer. It was tangible on both sides of the phone. It was evident in the immediate relief in my friend's voice. Almost 24 hours later, I am still amazed at the way God moved in that moment.

I confess that this thing called prayer remains a mystery to me. I do not ever expect to understand how it works. I only know that it does. Praise God that this is so!

Abba,
You are so good. Thank you for the armor of God: the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, feet fitted with readiness from the gospel of peace, the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit and the shield of faith (Ephesians 6:14-17). Lord, I lift up my brothers and sisters in faith who are weary from fighting the good fight. Strengthen them, Lord. And show me when I am to offer my own shield of faith so they may have time to catch their breath, remove old arrows, and stand firm, once again. In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Mystery

2009-12-30T11:25:00.002-06:00

Friday morning - I am up by 5. Instead of going to Chapel for the morning service I decide to stay put and watch the sunrise. Bundled up to ward off the chill, I settle into a chair and wait.

Out in the darkness, masses of turkeys begin sounding off from opposite sides of the camp. How to describe a turkey call? It is unlike anything else I have ever heard. Rusty, grating notes are dotted with occasional gobbles. After five minutes or so it becomes comical...like they are having a pep rally in the dark. "We've got spirit, yes, we do. We've got spirit. How 'bout you?!" After fifteen minutes or so, they stop and the silence is deafening.

Two owls begin a dialogue. They, too, take turns hooting back and forth to one another. One voice is deep and strong. The other voice is higher and belongs to a smaller bird. I wonder...are they mates? or parent and child? I find myself smiling at their steady conversation.

The sun rises. Without fanfare. Hmm. I had expected to be dazzled but instead the colors are muted and hazy. Disappointed, I hear myself thinking (rather ungraciously),

That's it? I skipped Chapel for that?

Grabbing my journal, I head to the third floor of the Big House where there is a small steel staircase that leads to "Mt. Sinai" -- the lookout tower on the roof. It has become a part of my routine to spend some time here before I leave. From this vantage point I can see for miles in all directions.

Looking out over the palm trees and the retreat grounds, I try to pinpoint the shift that has taken place within me since yesterday morning, when I woke up giddy with joy. It started during my walk on The Way of Peace..continued back in my room with the unwelcome pop-up image that made its way into my mind...and persisted after my nap when I woke up with the strong desire to go home. I may have resisted the urge to leave, yesterday, but my staying came with a price. Now I feel weighted down...somber, serious, heavy with something I can't name...

As I ponder the last 24 hours, fog rolls in before my eyes. The heavy clouds of moisture are traveling so low that their droplets touch my skin as they move past. Within minutes the retreat grounds are shrouded in a blanket of mist. I can see the sky above the fog but the grounds are no longer visible.

I decide the morning fits my mood or maybe it is my mood that fits the morning.

I came seeking God's voice. What did I hear? What have I learned?

I long to fly but I am afraid.
Pruning by the Father is a necessary part of growing.
Flying and dying go hand-in-hand when you follow Christ.
Peace is a byproduct of seeking God's direction.
Seasons in the wilderness allow God to reveal new beginnings.
Healing comes through intentional reflection.
Duty is a part of being a servant of Christ.
Spiritual lessons cycle us higher/closer to the Father.
"The reality of the unknown is fear." -- Father Kelly
"The reality of the Mystery of God is peace." -- Father Kelly
My soul needs regularly scheduled Sabbath time.
Giving thanks dispels fear and anxiety and invites God's peace.

Yesterday's Chapel message runs through my mind: Wisdom trumps everything, including evil, because it comes from God. It occurs to me that what I am feeling, right now, is the weight of wisdom. The lessons the Lord has taught me these past few days are heavy with the fullness of a deeper understanding...

I must be diligent about naming my fears and claiming God's truth over them.
Flying requires surrender and focus on Christ.
Evil is real and knows my name but will always flee at the name of Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ is with me, always.
I serve, love, and belong to the God of Job. He doesn't have to explain Himself to me.
The Great I AM is my Father.
Living a life of faith requires embracing the mystery of God.

I have the sense that God is waiting for me to respond to all that He has revealed.

I am distracted by the sound of stirring birds. The palm trees to my right are filled with a dozen or more roosting vultures. Each tree's branches bend under their load.

One by one, the birds launch from their resting site. They flap their heavy wings; looking awkward and clumsy. The air pulses from their efforts to stay afloat. In a matter of seconds, though, they find their rhythm and the air current that allows them to soar.

I watch as they move into the distance and begin their lazy spirals in the sky...their view of the ground completely obscured. The Lord uses the image to issue an invitation to me. The Spirit whispers in my ear,

"Come fly with Me. Explore the mystery of Me. Do not be afraid to venture into the unknown. I will be your Guide."

Yes, Lord, take me flying.

Impressions from Henri Nouwen's Sabbatical Journey come to mind. I appreciate this holy man's brilliance (his gifting, really), for putting the experiences of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit into words that an ordinary person, like me, can grasp. But the thing that I most closely identify with is his transparency; his willingness to reveal his own needs and insecurities even in the light of knowing Christ.

I want to be this kind of writer for you, Lord. I want my struggle to be plain even as my hope and faith in You is evident. Show me how...

With that declaration, I climb down the stairs and head to my van. The fog cocoons my vehicle as I drive away from the retreat center. I leave as I came...slowly and with anticipation...only this time, the wisdom of Father Kelly's words ring in my ears,

"The reality of the Mystery of God is peace."

"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly

make known the mystery of the gospel,

for which I am an ambassador in chains.

Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."

-- Ephesians 6:19-20

Thanksgiving

2009-12-28T14:45:00.003-06:00

Thursday - It is 5 a.m. and I am wide awake. Bedtime, the night before, was 7:45. Nine + hours of sleep. No wonder I feel so rested.

I throw a blanket around my shoulders and head to the veranda. The turkeys call back and forth to one another in the dark. The angry squeal of a javelina sends chills up my spine and propels me back inside. Until it is time to leave for morning Chapel, I review the finished list of life events/Scriptures from the past four years.

During Chapel time, two messages resonate with me. "The Kingdom of God is within you" from Luke 17:21. The other is from the Book of Wisdom; even as darkness must yield to light, all things must yield to wisdom. Wisdom...it is one of the things I continually seek from God.

Lord, please grant me wisdom that my words would bring You glory.

At breakfast, after nearly bumping into two different people, it is apparent that I am moving at a different speed than everyone else in the room. Joy...life is bubbling up inside and spilling over. I cannot seem to help myself. There is nothing gentle and/or slow about my movements. I do not linger over my meal. I cannot. I am too full of energy. It takes everything in me not to shout aloud!

Back in my room, the rising sun casts beckoning rays of light just beyond the screen door. I step onto the veranda and position the rocking chair to take maximum advantage of the sunbeam. With eyes closed, I rock and concentrate on the purity of the light bathing me in its warm glow. My spirit sings in union with the Holy Spirit and before I know it the better part of an hour has come and gone.

The sunbeam has moved on. It is time for me to do the same. I grab a map of some of the retreat center's many trails and head outside. There are two trails I am interested in this morning: Derek Ahabah (Way of Love) and Derek Shalom (Way of Peace).

I follow the main path for twenty minutes or so until I reach the path for Derek Ahabah. Its name, The Way of Love, is based on Song of Songs 8:5-7. Verses six and seven, in particular, speak to me as they bring to mind one of my favorite worship songs.

"Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned."

God's love for me...my understanding is so limited. My love for Him...is so small in comparison. I have so much to learn about love.

Jesus, show me how to love like you.

Eventually the lengthy, sprawling loop meets up with the main trail. I follow the path markers to Derek Shalom. The Way of Peace is based on Psalm 29:11,

"The LORD gives strength to his people;
the LORD blesses his people with peace."

The trail for this path is much more difficult than the prior one. It fades into the grass and sandy turf and, more than once, I wonder if I am going the right way. Instead of finding peace, I am becoming stressed out. My stomach is now upset and my need for adventure evaporates.

It seems that everytime I turn around a bend in the path there are a large group of turkeys, nearby. At first, I wonder if the same group is moving around and popping up somewhere else along the path but the group size keeps changing... 11, 15, 13.

Seeing the turkeys makes me think of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. It also brings to mind Father Kelly's words from the other morning, "The Lord isn't thanked enough."

The Spirit prompts me to focus on giving thanks. I force my mind away from my physical discomfort and mental distress. My litany of thanks is forced and has a desperate edge. Seeing a new group of turkeys encourages me to keep walking and giving thanks. After a few minutes, it gets easier.

According to the map, I am close to the halfway point. The path is supposed to swing around a trail marker and head back towards the main trail. In reality, the path completely evaporates. The irony does not escape me: for me, there is no peace on the The Way of Peace. I turn back and retrace my steps.

I don't get it, God. Have I failed You, somehow? Should I have been willing to walk forward without a path or a clear sense of direction? It seems my peace is strongest when I am certain I am clearly on Your path. Is that the lesson You had for me, today?

Silence.

Eventually, I arrive at the Big House. Lunch is a welcome reward after the 1-1/2 hour walking adventure. Unfortunately, my stomach does not agree. I try reading as a distraction but it doesn't work. I feel awful, vulnerable, strange and suddenly, very, very tired.

I curl up on my bed hoping a nap will help. I can barely keep my eyes open. Unbidden, a disturbing image flashes through my mind; it is pornographic in nature. Ugh. Without hesitation, I rebuke the image in the name of Jesus Christ. In the same breath, I claim the blood of Jesus over myself and fall fast asleep.

Thirty minutes later, I wake up feeling disoriented and awful. My knuckles ache. My body is stiff. A thought voices itself in my head,

I want to go home.

Then it corrects itself,

I want to be home. Now.

That awful image that made its way into my mind just before I fell asleep has irritated me. I know the attack for what it is: warfare. I am also determined not to be ruled by it. I send up a prayer of thanks for all of those who are praying for me and my family while I am on this trip.

I am agitated and restless but not in the good way of this morning. Needing something to do, I pack up everything but the absolute necessities needed for the remainder of my trip. My journals, extra clothing, all of it gets packed and placed in my van.

The physical act of packing has spiritual implications, as well. My work, here, is done. Or maybe my ability to work is done. Whatever the case, I have heard enough. God has given me plenty to process in the days and weeks to come.

I spend the remainder of the afternoon and evening reading Henri Nouwen's book, Sabbatical Journey. After so many days of concentrating on my own, it is refreshing to read about someone else's journey of faith. I find myself copying more than one of his quotes into my journal:

"We are called to be fearless people in a fearful world."

"Our parents, brothers, and sisters do not own us. Without leaving them it is hard to fully become free and listen to the One who called us even before we were born."

"That's the loneliness of a mystic. Having seen and experienced what cannot be expressed in words and still must be communicated."

The sky turns dark outside. I ponder the events that have taken place since I woke up this morning. What a strange day it has turned out to be. It is my last night in this place and I find myself full of gratitude...glad that I came, glad for what I've learned, glad to be going home in the morning, glad for the journey of faith that is still ahead of me...

"Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything,

by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds

in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

Need

2009-12-15T12:15:00.001-06:00

Wednesday - After my time with Father Kelly I am acutely aware of God's faithfulness to give me what I need...even if it isn't what I asked for. I thought my reason for coming to this retreat center was so that I could hear God more clearly in regards to "the book." It is why I willingly made the 475 mile drive. As it turns out, God's reasons for my being here are different than mine.

We aren't going to talk about the book at all, are we, God?

Peaceful silence fills the void.

No surprise, really. I'm not even disappointed although I don't know if I would have felt the same way on Monday or Tuesday. We have covered a lot of stuff since my arrival. I rest in the knowledge that the instructions and words for the book will come when God decides so. For now, there are other things He has planned for this time away. In my head, I modify my original goal:

My reason for coming to this retreat center is so that I can hear God more clearly. Period.

Before dinner, I head outside for a stroll. I follow the paved road that winds its way around the compound. A large group of turkeys are scratching and pecking at the ground. Eleven turkeys. Amazing! They keep one eye on me and the other on their work but they do not run or fly away. I am grateful for the opportunity to study them up close. I wish I had a camera.

A while later I hear someone following me. There are other retreat participants on site so I am not alarmed. But after awhile, curiosity takes hold and I turn around for a look. Imagine my surprise when I see that my shadow is of the four-footed variety. A magnificent buck stands less than 20 feet away. We study each other for a moment.

Turning around slowly, I resume my walk. Once again, the footsteps continue behind me. After another 20 feet I cannot resist the urge to stop and look. He stops, as well. He waits. The beauty of this creature moves me from deep within. I am thrilled beyond explanation. I cannot stop smiling.

Eventually, I leave the buck behind and step off the path to explore the estate's historical chapel and family cemetery. It is the place where the original owners, the Kenedy family and workers, worshiped and held weddings, funerals and baptisms. I study the monuments and the grotto that are within the cemetery and wonder about the people who used to live here.

My growling stomach reminds me that it is almost time for dinner. I head back towards the Big House. The path takes me directly alongside the buck who has stepped into the grass for a snack. I hold my breath and walk within eight feet of him. His head bows under a full nine point rack. He grazes without fear. I silently praise God as I marvel at the buck's impressive features. Unbelievable!

That experience, alone, would be enough to carry me through a full day. Add that to my time with Father Kelly and I am full to overflowing.

That's more than enough, Lord. Thanks for today's gifts of beauty and wisdom.

God uses that moment to remind me that I am like a sponge. I can only hold so much before I reach my saturation level. I ponder this for a moment and the spiritual application is clear. I have been a sopping wet sponge for a long time...the multi-paged list of bullet points sitting on the desk in my room testifies to this.

God is using this time and place to empty me from the fullness of these past two years. He is literally squeezing the water from my soggy soul. No wonder I didn't feel as if I could hear him clearly back home. I was too full to hold anything else.

So, if I am to stay healthy and effective in my ministry with You then I must decompress at least once a year. I need an extended block of time for prayer and silence in order to hear You, in order to restore my soul, in order to prepare for the next stage of my journey. It isn't just something I want...although I do want it. It is something I need. Isn't it, Lord? It is critical to my walk with You.

I vow to build time into my yearly schedule as a part of honoring the Sabbath and my God. With the vow comes a peace that blankets me in communion with my Maker.

"If you keep your feet from
breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please
on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going
your own way
and not doing as you please
or speaking idle words,
then you will find your joy
in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride
on the delights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance
of your father Jacob.
The mouth of the LORD has spoken."
Isaiah 58:13-14

Fear Not

2009-12-07T13:00:00.002-06:00

"When they had rowed three or three and a half miles, they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified. But he said to them, "It is I; don't be afraid." --John 6:19-20

Wednesday - After lunch, I return to my room and my journals. There is still an hour and a half before my appointment with Father Kelly. Events from Years 3 and 4 are added to the growing list. The command to "Stand firm!" continually echoes through the pages. Scripture after scripture testifies to the Lord's order not to turn tail and run.

Through a multitude of relationships and experiences, I see how the Lord continues to challenge me in this area:

* Walk alongside this friend even though it will be messy.
* Say "no" even though it will damage your relationship with the one you deny.
* Dance with Me even though you risk being misunderstood.
* Pray for another even though it will break your heart.
* Speak the truth in love even though you dread the consequences.
* Write about your struggles even though you will feel exposed and vulnerable.
* Move your family even though it means leaving your church and your friends.
* Share your stories even though there is no guarantee that it will make a difference.
* Stand in the gap for others even though it means the enemy will breathe down your neck.
* Grieve with Me over the sins of My people even though it means suffering like you have never known.
* Take up your cross and follow Me even though it means dying to yourself.

Stand firm even though it will cost you much...
Even though it will cost you everything.

It is the cost that keeps me from choosing easily. Saying "yes" to Jesus means saying "no" to myself...to my pride, to my fear, to my doubt. It is clear that Jesus wants all of me. And each time I stand firm in my faith and follow where he leads, I give him access to those places within myself that need encouragement, healing, strengthening, and correction.

Thank You, Lord, for Your grace and mercy.

My stomach decides to stage a revolt. After multiple trips to the bathroom it occurs to me that my insides are purging in concert with the processing of the last two years. With only thirty minutes until my appointment, I begin praying in earnest,

Lord, I am seeing Father Kelly, soon. Please restore order to my body so that I can keep my meeting.

Five minutes before my meeting, I offer up one more prayer and head to Father Kelly's cabin. The concrete path winds through a stand of palm trees and other brush. I stop a short distance from what appears to be a large, black hose laying across the path. My heart beats a little faster as it begins to move. I watch as all six feet of it slowly slithers into the brush to my right. When I resume walking, the snake stops his progress and turns to look at me. I look at him. We both go our separate ways. Very odd.

I reach the steps of Father Kelly's cabin at the same time he does. The small wooden dwelling is built on stilts and overlooks a small clearing. He invites me in and I take a seat in the screened in porch. Father Kelly excuses himself while he removes his hat and jacket. Hearing a small sound at the screen door, I turn to investigate. A cat sits on the top step, his face pressed to the screen, peering wistfully inside. It is obvious he is a regular visitor.

Father Kelly takes a seat opposite me. How to describe this holy man? He is elderly but I have no idea how old. Gray hair cropped in a no nonsense crew cut. Tall, slender build. Tanned skin testifies to time out in the elements. Sturdy glasses frame piercing blue eyes. There is something ageless about him.

I take a deep breath and begin a brief overview of the last several years of my faith journey including my Sabbath Year, past visits to Lebh Shomea, our family's move, my call to pray for others, and my writing.

All the while I am talking, I am conscious of the way in which he is listening. He watches my hands as I move them to emphasize a point. He is fully present to me and my story. I am the only thing that matters in that moment. It is a blessing to be received in such a way.

I speak to him of my ongoing struggle with fear; of writing a book for which I have no words, of following God into the unknown; of my brushes with the enemy. He listens carefully. I offer up a sample of my writing A Strong Hedge - Prayer Part 1. He scans the article and makes no comment about anything he reads. Instead he asks me questions which I do my best to answer:

Q: "What is your purpose in giving this to me?"
A. "I wanted you to understand the intensity of the warfare I have experienced."
Q: "What does your husband think of your writing?"
A: "He supports me and encourages me to continue to follow God down this path."
Q: "What did your pastor have to say about this ?" (refers to my writing sample)
A: "He checked my words for theological soundness and believed that what I wrote was of God."

After a few questions about the book with nine chapters, Father Kelly turns to the subject which has brought me to this place. Fear. He begins to speak; slowly measuring each word,

"Fear of the unknown keeps us from living = death."

"Job's initial understanding of God was '---' (he uses a word I am unfamiliar with but implies Job's friendship with God). Job's friends understood God to be legalistic. The truth is that God is God. He is more than we can understand. He is answerable to no one. He cannot be measured or defined by man."

"The mystery of the unknown is fear - man's need to be in control."

"The reality of the mystery of God is peace."

"When Jesus walks on the water he tells his disciples to 'Fear not; It is I.' (John 6:20) If we are in Christ then there is no need to fear. You must submit. You must surrender your fear, your need for control. Embrace the mystery of God and accept that He IS."

With his last statement it is clear that our time is finished. I thank him and leave the cabin...puzzled, unsatisfied, humbled.

I need to think about what Father Kelly has said. He didn't give me what I wanted. He gave me what I needed. My spirit already knows this even if it is taking longer for my brain to come to the same conclusion. I came expecting to hear something else and my disappointment initially gets in the way of the wisdom that he shared. I had hoped he would validate my fears. Instead he challenged me to refocus my eyes on Christ.

With new clarity, I laugh at my own naive hopes that he would tie everything up in a neat little package with a pretty bow. Instead, he pushed me out into the vast, undefinable mystery that shrouds the great I AM. Walking with God means walking in the mystery that is a part of Him. Can I surrender my fear and follow Him into the unknown? It is the only way I will know the peace my soul craves.

Jesus help me to surrender my fear. I know now that this will be a lifelong process. Even if it were possible, I do not want to do this on my own. A life without you is meaningless. I want to live in the reality of the mystery of God. Teach me.

Duty and Cycles

2009-12-02T16:00:00.000-06:00

Wednesday - Breakfast is out of the way and I am ready to do some work. With a fresh sheet of paper and a pen in hand, I prepare to make a bullet point list of significant events and lessons learned. I start with my Sabbath Journal. It is the culmination of life lessons God taught me during my Sabbath Year in '05-'06. I wrote it during my first visit to this holy retreat center back in August of 2006.

I hadn't realized it before now but aside from God's Word it has become the most important book in my life. God has used my Sabbath Year lessons to shape my future. In the past three years, I have pulled this book out, over and over again, because it grounds me; reminding me of who I am and who God has called me to be.

I come across a question God asked me on my first trip around the desert path - A Way in the Wilderness,

"Why is it such duty to pray for your family while you consider it an honor/privilege to pray for others?"

I remember this question. I was at the retreat center seeking discernment about my Sabbath year. It was my first time around the daunting trail. In a single sentence God stripped me bare and exposed my internal struggle which was an ongoing source of guilt and shame. Why did praying for my family always feel like hard work while praying for others felt like ministry? I didn't have an answer for God's "why" I only knew that what He spoke was true. It was one of those moments that made a lasting impression. I added it to the list.

For the remainder of the morning, I work my way through journals for Years 2 and 3. My list expands quickly. I marvel at the ways God has allowed me to participate in Kingdom building relationships and ministry. I also see repeated patterns of great fear and faith struggles as God calls me to deeper ministry.

I take the journal I am reading and head to the rocking chair on the veranda. I lose myself in the movement of the soaring vultures. They circle in slow, effortless spirals that take them higher and higher into the sky.

Their movement triggers the memory of a recent conversation with a friend about the frustrations and heartache of stumbling along the journey of faith. She was discouraged with a recent failure and felt as if she were starting her faith journey all over again...back to the beginning, so to speak. I recall saying this was not the case, instead, my friend had learned much during her walk with the Lord. She may have cycled around to her "stumbling point" but she was not back at the beginning of her journey. Instead, she had cycled to a higher level of relationship with God, a deeper faith, a greater sorrow over her sin, and with newfound wisdom to see how she'd gotten there. What she labeled as failure I saw as growth and a reason to celebrate.

The Spirit nudges me to view my growing list of experiences in the same light. God has used my so-called failures as opportunities to develop my relationship with Him, deepen my faith, increase my sorrow over my sin, and impart wisdom so that I might choose better in the future. Wow!

At lunch the Lord brings up the word duty. I recall yesterday's lesson from the reading in Luke 17:7-10 (subtitled "duty") and my take-away, "A servant should not expect to be thanked." I recall the question from my journal reading earlier today, "Why is it such duty to pray for your family while you consider it an honor/privilege to pray for others?" Then I proceed to have one of those "Aha" moments where everything becomes crystal clear.

The purpose of God's original question was to uncover my faulty thinking and lead me to a deeper truth. My response was to hang my head in shame and seek the answer on my own. It hadn't occurred to me that God was inviting me to say, "I don't know God. Why do I feel this way?" Three years later, we have cycled around to the same question but I am no longer the same woman. I want to know. I am ready to learn. And so, I ask,

God, what do You have to say about duty and prayer and me?

"When I first asked you this question you were struggling to reconcile the disparity of your feelings between praying for your family and praying for others because you approached them from two different mindsets:

Prayer for your family was serving your family.
Prayer for others was serving Me.

In reality, both were serving Me but because your marriage and your children came before you committed your life to Me you associated them as set apart from Me. And apart from Me there is no joy... even when you are praying for those you love most.

You gladly prayed for other people without expectations or need for appreciation because you were doing so out of love and obedience for Me. The honor and privilege you felt stemmed from your relationship and willingness to serve Me. It didn't hurt that each assignment had a beginning and an end. You enjoyed the variety of opportunities to pray and the mystery of what might come next. You also loved the indescribable thrill of using your gifts in tandem with the power of the Holy Spirit to make a difference in My Kingdom here on earth.

Your understanding of prayer has changed since I first put this question to you. We have been working on bringing the parts of your life established before your commitment to Me into alignment with the parts of your life established since your commitment to Me. Check in your heart and you will see that this is true.

Now, let's talk about My definition of duty.

You are a wife and a mother. It is your obligation to pray for your family. This is My order for marriage and family. And the reason it feels like hard work is because it is hard work.

You feel the weight of responsibility and there are times when you wish it didn't matter so much. But the fact of the matter is your prayers matter. Your obedience affects your entire family.

The commitment I am calling you to increases by the day. As years are added to your marriage and as your children grow older, you understand on a deeper level that you will pray for them until you die. It is a life long commitment and you no longer take that lightly.

You chafe under the discipline required for this type of prayer. You like praying for others because the assignments have a beginning and an end and you can cross them off your list when you are finished. You rely on the Spirit to prompt you. Praying for your family requires you to discipline your time and your mind and your spirit. I expect you to take an active role in this process.

It is an honor and a privilege to come to Me on behalf of your family. It is also your duty...to Me...for them. Your prayers invite Me to undergird the foundation of your marriage and your children's future. There will never be a more worthy use of your time and energy.

You already know this kind of prayer will bring you face-to-face with your own shortcomings, over and over again. You cannot succeed if you rely on your own strength and your own love. Apart from Me you can do nothing."

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, apart from me you can do nothing." --John 15:5

Healing

2009-11-30T14:00:00.001-06:00

Tuesday - Back in my room, I remember that I was going to look up the Scripture from morning Chapel. Sitting down at the desk, I open my Bible to Luke 17. Jesus is having a conversation with the disciples about sin, faith and duty.

"So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.'" Luke 17:10

We have only done our duty.

Something about those particular words grabs my attention. After waiting for further enlightenment and receiving none, I write the words down in my journal. I check in with God about "the book" again.

So, Lord, what about this book? Will You tell me anything else about it?

"There is more than one."

I am not surprised by this news. How odd to be overwhelmed over the prospect of writing one book and yet remain perfectly calm at this particular revelation. It helps explain why I feel torn in different directions whenever I think about writing. There is more than one book in me. Hmmm.

The dinner bell signals the evening meal. While making my way down the stairs I meet up with Father Kelly. I request an appointment for spiritual direction and he promises to get back to me with a time.

I eat my dinner slowly; tasting, chewing, swallowing with heightened awareness. I am mindful of how fast I eat at home...how little I taste what I eat...and how much I take food and its availability for granted.

Thank you, Lord, for nourishment.

Father Kelly stops me as I leave the dining room and asks if tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. will work. I nod in agreement and am instantly aware of the conflicting emotions inside of me: excitement and apprehension.

When I reach my room it is dark and I fumble around for a light switch. A bare light bulb makes a feeble attempt to light up the large room. I switch on the desk lamp and wince at its harsh, artificial glare. My journals sit in a pile on the desk but I cannot bring myself to open them.

I am so tired. I glance at the clock and am shocked to see that it is only 7:30! Way too early to go to bed. I take a shower in an effort to stay awake but my body and my brain are not cooperating. By 8:00 p.m. I crawl under the covers and call it a day.
----------------------------------------------

5 a.m. Wednesday - somewhere off in the distance the coyotes begin their serenade. While I lie there listening I realize that something feels different about my face. After a few moments, I realize that my jaw is moving with a freedom I haven't experienced in a long, long time. (The week before my dentist had expressed concern over the tension in my jaw and face. She was shocked that I wasn't in constant pain.)

So that is how its supposed to move! Thank You, God. I feel great!

As I get up and get dressed the day's agenda is clear: Today is about healing. Today, we (God and me) review the events of these past few years and the emotions that came with them. We acknowledge it, celebrate it and heal where healing is needed.

The sun is preparing to rise. I step out onto the dark veranda as the sky hints of pink and orange. Two owls with deep voices call back and forth among the palm trees. A dog barks in the distance. Bats finish up their evening meal and scatter as daylight approaches. The birds are waking up.

Good morning, Lord! Let's get started!

He confirms my agenda during Morning Chapel. The second reading is from Luke 17:11-19. It is the story of the ten lepers who are healed by Jesus. Only one of them returns to give thanks.

"Jesus asked, 'Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?' Then he said to him, 'Rise and go; your faith has made you well.'" Luke 17:17-19

The Spirit reminds me that when we take the time to give thanks we receive even more from our Savior. Father Kelly shares that the Hebrew word for thanks actually has three meanings: thanks, praise, bless.

Healing and thanksgiving... This should be quite a day.

Wilderness

2009-11-20T12:05:00.001-06:00

Tuesday - After lunch I fill up my water bottle and head towards a trail located a quarter of a mile or so beyond the boundaries of the camp. It is known as Derek Ba-Midbar or A Way in the Wilderness. I am going to walk this trail not because I want to but because I must.

This path and I have a history. It has become a part of my retreat experience. My previous experiences on this trail have tested my courage in unexpected ways. I can't help but wonder if round three will be more of the same. I am more than a little apprehensive as I prepare to be tested again.

I follow the paved road until I see a familiar cattle gate to my left. Stepping into the grass, I focus all of my attention on the placement of my feet. There are huge red ants everywhere! They look like the kind that would happily carry off your picnic lunch while you took a nap on the blanket. Their super highways criss-cross all over the sandy turf. I carefully step over their roads and steer clear of the holes in the ground where they congregate in large numbers.

A simple wooden signpost marks the path. It is called A Way in the Wilderness for a reason. There is something very primitive and wild about this area. The path is layed out like a large jagged loop with so many twists and turns that north-south-east-and-west no longer apply. Once you begin walking there are only two options: move forward or retreat backward.

I take a deep breath and begin the journey.

You wouldn't know it by looking at it but walking this path is labor intensive. The ground is predominantly sand which makes it difficult to get any traction. In places it reminds me of the sand at the beach...where the boardwalk ends...soft, dry and hot...the stuff that sends everyone scrambling for the cool water-packed sand near the ocean's edge. Ugh.

The small tufts of grass and native plants that dot the trail become my best friends. I find myself stepping from one tuft to the next to keep my feet from sinking into the soft earth. Walking too quickly just causes my feet to dig more deeply into the sand. Slow is definitely better.

After a while, I settle into a rhythm with my feet which enables me to take a better look at my surroundings. There are all kinds of animal tracks in the sand: turkey, lizard, deer, cow, and coyote. My nose warns me of the scat piles before I see them. Many of them are huge in size and seem to be a combination of a large community dumping ground and impossible to miss territory markers.

My mind is surprisingly blank. I do not feel the need to pray or ask questions or examine my life. My goal is to complete the path.

I spy a deer on an intersecting path. She spies me, as well, and freezes while I walk past. Her companions watch from a safer distance.

Much of the walk unfolds in the same way: A turn in the path leads me to an open meadow where the wind blows freely and the wildflowers brighten the view. Minutes later, I round a bend and find myself in a shady wooded area where the air is stagnant and mysterious sounds come from the tall brush bordering both sides of the path. My heart pounds in response to the sound of large animals crashing through the woods. I am glad to hear them moving in the opposite direction.

About 45 minutes into my walk, I stop and sit down on a bench. The combination of walking and increased adrenaline flow has taken its toll. I am tired. In submission, I ask the question I don't really want to ask,

Should I wait here, God? Is there something You want to ask me or show me?

"Just sit until you catch your breath."

With those words He releases me. There is no need to stay. There is no need to have another face-to-face encounter with a javelina. No need to walk a path while the watchful eyes of a wild animal stare at you from the brush. No need to stare down another overprotective cow and her calf. No need to answer questions that pierce my soul. (All experiences from my last two adventures.) No more tests. Not this time.

There are still fifteen minutes or so of walking ahead of me. I leave the bench and continue along the path with renewed purpose. I am amazed that the mosquitoes haven't found me. The gnats that keep landing on my arms are annoying but harmless.

I turn a corner and stop at the sight of a very large, black cow on the path. I am still quite a distance from him. He doesn't know I am there because he is busy gnawing his side. I wait for him to register my presence all the while thinking the cows here are a lot taller and beefier than the Missouri dairy cows I saw as a youngster. There is something intimidating about being on the same side of the fence as him. When he does look up and realize he is not alone, his eyes widen and his nostrils flare in alarm. Luckily, he turns around and bolts from my presence.

I hope he tells his friends to stay away.

I round the last bend and find myself back at the cattle gate. After locking it behind me, I take one last glance at the path. I am relieved beyond belief. My time in the wilderness is complete.

"See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland." -- Isaiah 43:19

Peace

2009-11-19T08:00:00.002-06:00

"While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, 'Peace be with you."' --Luke 24:36

Tuesday - A handful of retreat participants file into the small sanctuary. We stand as Father Kelly enters the room. After he steps behind the altar, he takes the time to make eye contact with each of us. And then he speaks,

"Peace be with you."

The words wash over me in an undeniable movement of the Spirit. The peace of Christ penetrates my entire being. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, welcoming God's tangible presence.

Each service is structured in the same way: two readings, a brief moment for reflection and sharing, and then communion. Everything is done slowly and with great deliberation. It is powerful in its simplicity.

Today, the second reading is from Luke 17:7-10. A servant should not expect to be thanked for doing his job. I don't know why the Lord is pointing this out to me but I plan to go back to this Scripture, later, in the privacy of my room. Perhaps He will reveal something more.

I spend the remainder of the morning reading through my journals from the last two years, searching for something without knowing what I am looking for. I alternate my time between the desk in my room and the rocking chair on the veranda. The vultures are soaring everywhere; too numerous to count.

My reading is interrupted by the long, slow ringing of a bell. The sound comes from a large bell mounted on the grounds behind the Big House. Each day someone faithfully pulls on the rope to signal the call to morning Chapel, lunch, or dinner. These regularly scheduled moments are the only time when the silence of each day is deliberately broken.

I stop to count the number of times the bell is rung. Three times - pause - three times - pause - three times - pause - nine times. I wonder about the significance of this set of numbers. No matter, it is time for lunch.

Mealtimes are interesting in this place. Men and women silently file into the dining room located in the basement of the Big House. Each person serves themselves from a large table where the simple food is set up buffet style. Once you select your food and a drink, you are free to sit at any of the four large tables provided. The only sound is that of knives and forks moving across plates.

For me, the first meal or two are always awkward. It is strange to share a meal with another human being without talking or making eye contact. Eventually, though, my curiosity subsides and even my meals become a time set apart with God.

As I prepare to leave the dining room, Father Kelly steps into my path. He quietly asks if I am okay. While he whispers his question he is studying me...checking on me...looking to see if I am indeed okay. I smile, gently touch his arm, and say, "Yes."

But something about the encounter causes me to ask myself the same question as I head upstairs to my room.

Am I okay?

Truthfully, the answer is both yes and no. There are spiritual matters which I do not understand. And there is the matter of my fear. I decide to schedule an appointment with Father Kelly for some spiritual direction. As soon as I make the decision I am, once again, at peace.

Posture

2009-11-18T10:45:00.003-06:00

Monday - Back in my room, I sit down at the desk and pull out a small plastic tub that holds my journals from the past few years. I have come to this place seeking discernment for the book that I am to write. I set out my pens and highlighters and prepare to work.

As I stare at the notebooks, I am overwhelmed with the thought of the task ahead - a book. <Sigh> I have no idea where to start. <Sigh> In fact, I don't even feel compelled to start. That tells me something.

This doesn't seem to be where You want me to focus, Lord. Now what?

Silence wraps itself around my question. I head back to the veranda for some more rocking chair therapy. Before long the Lord's question from earlier in the day comes to me again,

"Do you want to fly, Denise?"

This time there are no tears or hesitation as I answer,

Yes, Lord, I want to fly.

I continue rocking and watch as the sky slowly fills with soaring vultures and turkey vultures. Say what you will about these scavenger birds, in this place, in this setting, they are simply God's magnificent creatures. Their outstretched wings easily span a distance of five to six feet. I marvel as they catch the unseen wind currents and float effortlessly in long, lazy spirals. More and more birds join the flying celebration. I try to count them but lose track after I reach thirty.

I go to bed that evening with flying on my mind. Around 4 a.m. the mournful, frenzied sound of howling coyotes pulls me from my dreams. Rolling over, I manage to fall back to sleep until 5 a.m. and then I am up for the day.
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Tuesday - By 6:30 a.m. I leave the Big House and walk towards the Chapel in the gray shadows where the dawn chases away the dark. Bats dart back and forth in the sky. No wonder there aren't many mosquitoes here. I see two rabbits chasing each other in the grass. Hello there. My eyes widen as I approach and then pass an 8 pt. buck grazing not more than ten feet away. He didn't even flinch when I walked by!

The wonder of this place is hard to describe. Each time I visit I am delighted anew. I have tried and failed to explain it to my family and friends. The animals who live here are not tame and yet they are not afraid. They have learned to coexist with the humans who are here. Peaceful silence and holy prayers have bathed this place for decades. God is here and the animals know it and live in the sanctuary of His presence.

I am early for the morning Communion service so I take a seat and wait. The wall behind the simple altar is covered in a massive, primitive looking cross made from beautifully aged wood. It demands my attention and I study it in detail. After five minutes or so, He asks,

"Do you want to fly?"

He knows the answer and so He continues,

"Open your hands. Spread your arms wide."

I am looking at the cross as He speaks to me. His intention is clear and I make the connection immediately.

The posture of flying is the posture of dying.

If I open up my hands and let go of all that I am holding...if I spread my arms wide in order to sail on the wind...then I am saying, "yes" to dying on the cross. Tears roll down my cheeks at the simplicity and the weight of His words.

The posture of flying is the posture of dying on the cross.
They are one and the same.

My heart breaks with an understanding that is beyond my human brain. I cannot take my eyes off of the cross. Something deep inside my soul has been touched and I can do nothing but cry in quiet response. He is calling me to a deeper place, a deeper commitment, where flying with Christ and dying with Christ will be closely intertwined.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." --Hebrews 12:2

Flying and dying...one and the same.

Talking Trees

2009-11-17T09:00:00.003-06:00

"But the LORD is in his holy temple;
let all the earth be silent before him."
--Habakkuk 2:20

Monday - It is only mid-afternoon and I am already exhausted. I take refuge on my bed and fall into a troubled sleep. Thirty or forty minutes later I wake up knowing something isn't right. Something has disturbed me but what?

It takes me a few minutes to get my bearings and remember where I am. And that is when I hear a sound so strange that everything in me protests its presence...it is the sound of a human voice.

It isn't that people never talk in this place, they just do so with hushed reverence. There are only a few designated places on the grounds where people are free to speak but they are out-of-the way places. The silence here is holy...it makes room for the praises of His creation...it provides sanctuary for searching souls.

Who would dare to break such a thing?

I listen more carefully. Yes, I can clearly distinguish the voice of a man. Still in bed, I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. My irritation increases when a second voice joins the first.

It occurs to me that there is nothing charitable or Christian about how I feel in that moment. I don't care. My solitude, THE solitude has been broken. I want it back.

I consider my options: go find someone in charge? Go knock on the door of the offender(s)? Write a note and stick it under their door? I even go so far as to pen the words to the note (all in my head).

In the end, I do none of these things. Instead, I get out of bed and step out onto the veranda. As I take a deep breath the voices begin, again. They are coming from somewhere above my head. The third floor perhaps? But when I trace the sound's path with my eyes, I am looking out over the large expanse of the tree covered front lawn of the Big House.

The sound is coming from the treetops?

And there they are; two men clinging to the tops of different palm trees. Day laborers. With sharp knives/machetes they are chopping down the dead and dying undergrowth at the top of the trees. Every branch they cut loose is sent crashing to the ground. In between their efforts they call back and forth to one another.

I still wish they would stop speaking but my anger evaporates as I watch them work. In fascination, I take a seat in the rocking chair and study their movements. After removing the branches they spend time cutting away the fibrous undergrowth. The evidence of their work piles up on the ground below. When they are finished they scale down the trees with ease and move on to the next.

The newly trimmed palms look healthier, greener, and more beautiful without the weight of their old branches.

I am here so that God can do the same for me.

Longing

2009-11-16T08:55:00.006-06:00

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you." --Psalm 38:9

Last week, I travelled to a remote part of Texas for some much anticipated solitude.
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Monday - Three hours south of San Antonio, I turn off the main highway onto the non-descript road that will lead me to my destination. My foot eases off the gas as I take in a large black Labrador Retriever standing in the middle of the pavement. His mouth is open in what seems to be a smile. His tail sweeps back and forth in a friendly hello. As silly as this might sound, he looks like he has been waiting for me.

I pull off the road to text my husband that I have arrived safely. When I look up, the dog is gone. Easing the car back onto the asphalt, I glance at the farm road to my right. There is the Labrador, again in the middle of the road, watching me as I drive past. I grin back at him.

Thank you, Lord, for the special welcome.

This next part of the trip is always the same: I lower the windows of my car and slow my vehicle to a mere idle and crawl along the quiet road. It takes a while to cover the last six miles at this pace but it is always worth it. Everything in me begins to shift gears. My breathing slows down. My senses are sharpened as I take in the wild, untamed vegetation and catch the first faint taste of salt in the air.

I'm coming Lord. I'm almost there.

To my left, a pair of large birds roosts in a tree. They remind me of eagles. A bit farther down the road a startled pair of javelinas and their young take off from the roadside and head under an opening in the wire fence. Butterflies, dragonflies, countless birds, white tail deer, and even a turkey are all part of the welcoming committee.

Your creation is magnificent, Lord.

When I reach the retreat center I head to the Big House to find out where I am staying. I've been assigned to "Ruth" for my stay. I am delighted. It is a large room on the second floor of the main building with access to the veranda that faces the cool breezes blowing in from the bay.

After unloading my possessions I park my car in a remote, out-of-the-way location and walk back towards the Big House. I stop to watch the tiny woodpeckers who are working overtime on the knotted gnarled tree branches nearby. They see me but they aren't concerned about me. Then I look up into the clear blue sky as a shadow crosses my path.

A turkey buzzard soars directly overhead. He glides effortlessly on the wind current. A thought voices itself in my head,

He doesn't have to work at it. He just opens his wings and the wind does the rest.

My longing and envy catch me by surprise. Just as surprising is the immediate response from the Lord.

"You can do the same thing, Denise. Just open your heart and let me do the rest."

I am startled. I hadn't expected to hear Him so clearly, so soon in my visit. His words linger in my heart as I head towards my room to get situated.

After lunch I step out onto the veranda and make myself comfortable in a rocking chair. I am still trying to acclimate myself to the slower pace. The knowledge of days of silence stretching before me causes an anxiety I can't seem to stifle. My thoughts rush and jumble themselves into bunches and knots. My prayers stop and start. I keep reminding myself to just breathe and relax.

The steady motion of the rocking chair begins to work its rhythm into my soul. I become aware of the wind as it rustles the leaves of the palm trees. It is continuous. The trees give witness to the way it ebbs and flows but is never completely still.

Breath of God always with me.

And then He whispers to me...

"Do you want to fly, Denise?"

The question hangs in the air for a moment.

"Do you want to fly, Denise?"

Yes, but I'm afraid. Why am I always afraid?

The truth of my confession slowly sinks in. Tears roll unbidden down my cheeks as my spirit waits for my brain to catch up. I am afraid...

I rock and cry and slowly accept the truth as I feel the breeze blow softly on my face - God with me.

I don't feel the need to explore the details of why...not yet. For now, the fact that I am afraid is enough.

A Listening Heart

2009-11-04T16:00:00.001-06:00

Q: How exactly does one go about writing a book?
A: One word at a time.

Q: Which words are the right words?
A: I don't have a clue.

A few weeks ago, the Lord revealed to me that He and I were going to write a book. Now that the initial shock has worn off I am ready for more details. What I have realized is that my day-to-day routine makes it impossible to be still enough to listen.

"But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer." Luke 5:16

Jesus retreated from the world in order to be with the Father. It is no different for me.

On November 9-14th, I am returning to a beloved place, Lebh Shomea House of Prayer, where the silence is indescribable and the presence of God - undeniable. It is a desert retreat center located south of Corpus Christi, TX. No internet service. No cell phone coverage. No tv.

This will be my third visit. Each time I have visited Lebh Shomea (pronounced lev show-mae-a) I have encountered the Lord in ways both reassuring and unsettling. While there I have experienced His peace which is beyond understanding (Philippians 4:7). I have also reeled from the questions He has set before me (Job 38:2-3).

There is no hiding from God in this place. It is a place where God insists on honesty and vulnerability; offers opportunities for repentance and healing; and in return, bestows forgiveness, blessing and direction.

So, in a few days, I will go seeking direction for the book that has yet to take shape. I brace myself for His questions that are certain to come.

Abba,
I have heard You call and I am coming. I cannot wait to pull off the highway and into the sanctuary of Lebh Shomea. Soon, Lord, very soon I will be saying, "Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening." Thank you, Jesus, that it will be so. In Your holy name, Amen.

Overwhelmed

2009-10-26T11:00:00.001-05:00

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD,
'He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.'" --Psalm 91:1-2

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed these days.

Recently, God made it clear that He and I are going to write a book together. A whole book. With nine chapters. That is the extent of my knowledge.

Since the "You're going to write a book," news my spirit has been in an agitated state. I am excited. I am wondering if I am up to the task. I have more questions than answers...and God knows better than to talk to me when I am unable to listen with all my heart.

O my heart, be still. Be still.

Until then, I am hunkered down in the shelter of the Most High. He is my Shelter. He is my Refuge. He is my Fortress. He is my God.

And I will trust Him.

Amen.

An Empty Journal

2009-09-23T10:30:00.001-05:00

"The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God stands forever." -- Isaiah 40:8

We have a routine, the Lord and I. Most mornings, I pull out my One Year Bible and see what God's Word has for me that day. Anything from His Book that stands out [intrigues, comforts, convicts, challenges, delights, distresses, clarifies, teaches] gets copied into a journal. For the past four years we have been meeting. And for the past four years I have been writing His Words back to Him.

In four years time, I have filled up 25 journals with Scripture.

Open a page in any one of those journals and God's faithfulness and glory is revealed through His Word. Read for a while and that particular stage of my faith journey and state of mind becomes clear, as well. God's Word has persistently and consistently been molding me into the person He intends me to be. Not that we are there yet!

Yesterday marked the beginning of fall and I celebrated by picking up a new journal. When I got home, I sat down to copy the words I had underlined earlier in the day. I had to smile when I saw Isaiah 40:8. How appropriate to begin Year 5 with an empty journal and the promise that His Word stands forever.

Father God,
Your Word is eternal. For so many years, I approached Your Word with little expectation. Forgive me. Remind me, Lord, to approach Your Word with fear and trembling for through it You will speak Life into my very soul. Speak to me, Lord. I am listening. In Jesus' name, Amen.

A New Season

2009-09-15T10:10:00.003-05:00

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
--Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a change in the air. Mornings are cooler. The alarm clock goes off but now it is pitch black outside. Fall is on the way and hope is riding its coattails!

It has been a long seven months for my family. For me. Grieving, surviving, adjusting to the challenges of moving to a new city...each day its own mountain needing to be scaled. Breathe in, breathe out.

Give me the courage to make it through the next five minutes.
Okay, how about the next five minutes?
Oh God, how am I ever going to make it through the whole day?

Falling asleep exhausted and getting up the next morning, begging for the courage to do it all over again.

Our family of five has been tested. This move has marked us; left us with tender battle scars, a new limp from freshly knitted bones and the memories of dark places. It has not been easy and yet, we are stronger for having gone through it. I am stronger for having gone through it.

Am I glad I moved? Not really. Not yet.

But I am grateful. I am grateful for the faithfulness of my Lord who has walked every step of the way by my side. I am grateful for the prayers and encouragement of my friends. I am grateful for the life lessons I have been taught as I have been forced to grow and change.

Even more, I am grateful to be moving beyond "survivor mode" to "thriving mode." The cooler breeze has ushered in a season of hope. I cannot wait to see what God has planned!

Abba,
You are the God of Hope. Praise Your Name! Thank You that there is a time and place for everything under the sun. Forgive me for all of the times I doubted Your plan this past year. I want to believe You without reservation. Teach me, Lord, teach me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Beyond Words - Prayer Part 3

2009-09-10T13:45:00.002-05:00

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth." --Psalm 46:10

We are all called to pray. Even when I was a small child and didn't understand much else about God, I knew that prayer was important. It wasn't until I had reached adulthood that I experienced, first hand, how the practice of prayer establishes and grows a relationship with God.

As my prayer life has developed, I have taken great comfort in Romans 8:26 which reassures believers that when we don't know what to pray, "the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." I also love that Jesus sits at the right hand of God as my advocate; my intercessor (1 John 2:1). It is easier to openly express my heart knowing that Jesus will filter my words before they reach the Father's ears.

The summer I turned 42, I answered the Lord's call to serve Him through intercessory prayer. This type of prayer was different than the other kinds of praying I had done before. I found myself burdened with the invisible, yet palpable, weight of certain people and events. Their names and faces traveled with me throughout the day...always with the understanding that I was to keep lifting them up to the Lord and praying for them as He directed.

For the last six years, I have been exercising this gift. It has become an integral part of my life. I fall asleep praying. I wake up with prayers already in my mind. Throughout the day, it has become second nature to agree with the Lord in whatever He has to say over situations and His beloved people. (In fact, I just stopped typing this in order to pray and answer a text from a friend who needed prayer because the enemy is trying to rob his joy -- the very joy he expressed, yesterday, over all the Lord is doing in his life.)

One of the things I love about God is how He continues to teach me new things about Himself through prayer. Last week, as I prayed for a mission team in Costa Rica, the Lord revealed Himself to me in a new way.

Thirty to forty minutes earlier, I had prayed my way through a long list of individuals. The Lord had directed me to claim a new Scripture for each one. Even though I enjoyed the end-result, the process was tedious. So, as I began praying over the mission team (a group of nine), I half-wondered if God was going to ask me to find individual Scriptures for them, too. Imagine my surprise when I sensed the gentle words,

"Shhh...Let Me talk."

...as in, these are My children, I know what they need.

"Shhh...Let Me talk."

...as in, this is My mission trip, I know what needs to be done.

"Shhh...Let Me talk."

...as in, just be still and let Me do what I do best.

Immediately, I broke into a great big grin. Everything in me: spirit, mind, body became still. I closed my eyes in delight and bowed my head as our Father prayed perfect words over my friends.

After some time had passed, something in the air shifted and the moment drew to a close. I knew, without having to be told, that He was finished. I didn't dare add to the words that had already been spoken. There was no need. He had said it all.

"Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth." --Psalm 46:10

Amen

God's Word - Prayer Part 2

2009-09-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

"As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the
sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out
from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for
which I sent it."
Isaiah 55:10-11

It has been three weeks since the Lord called me to an intense time of intercessory prayer. It's a good thing school is back in session. This kind of prayer tends to spill over into every aspect of my day... which is good for the people I am praying for...but not so great for my family who has to live with me while I'm in a very distracted state!

Ever since the enemy rattled my fence, A Strong Hedge - Prayer Part 1, I have been extra diligent about staying in God's Word, not just for my sake but for those I am praying for. God has also been clear that I am to use His Word as I lift others up to His throne of grace.

Over time, I've discovered a few things about myself and what happens when I use God's Word in my prayers:

1. My prayers are shorter. God's Word is enough. I don't need to add to it.

2. I have greater peace when I claim God's Word for a person or a situation. I don't have to wonder if I said the right words or asked for the right thing. I have faith in God's Word.

3. It takes time to apply God's Word. Using God's Word in prayer requires me to do my homework.

In the past, I haven't always taken the time to search God's Word for the verse or verses which fit the circumstance. In the beginning, I didn't know I should. When I started to understand that it was a good and powerful thing to pray God's Word, I didn't know how. It was faster to pray words of my own then to face the task of searching God's Book - which is overwhelming in size and intimidating to those who are still learning their way around it.

It has become a bit easier as I have become more familiar with the Bible. Amazingly, my journals (filled with Scriptures that I copy during my daily reading) often yield the Words that are needed. Over time, I have purchased several books on prayer that identify helpful Scriptures. But, if I am somewhere with internet access, I will go to Biblegateway.com to search using a keyword or words. The beauty of this site is that I can pull up the same verse in multiple versions and compare the wording to see if the meaning holds true (to what I thought it meant). I can also look at the verses before and after to see the context in which they are used. This has kept me from misusing God's Word in prayer, more than once!

And that leads me to the last discovery.

4. There is no greater blessing than to claim God's Word on behalf of someone else...to me and the one I am praying for.

"...so is my word that goes out
from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for
which I sent it." -- Isaiah 55:11

Father, Thank You for the knowledge that Your Word always accomplishes what You desire and never returns to You empty. Thank You for Your Word that blesses and teaches; convicts and heals. I love You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

A Strong Hedge - Prayer Part 1

2009-09-01T08:30:00.002-05:00

"Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land." --Job 1:10

I have been working my way through the book of Job these last few weeks (heavy duty reading). I have also been called to an intense time of intercessory prayer for family, friends, and others (heavy duty praying).

The whole idea of God and Satan having a conversation over a righteous man (Job) will have to wait for a different post. What I want to address is the reality of evil, Satan and spiritual warfare and how we arm ourselves against it.

If we are walking with the Lord and growing in our faith we should expect to gain the attention of the enemy. The simple truth is at some point in your life, you or someone you know will need to know how to respond to spiritual warfare.

In Job 1:10, Satan asks God a question about Job, "Have you not put a hedge around him...?" A hedge, as in, a hedge of protection. When I read those words an immediate question came to mind,

Q: How does Satan know there is a hedge around Job?

A: Because he has already walked the fence line.

He has literally prowled the perimeter of Job's world.

Job is not the exception. Satan does the same for all of us.

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." -- 1 Peter 5:8

He looks for an opening in our hedge and uses it to his advantage. Our weaknesses become his opportunities...to exploit, distract, derail...anything to keep us from focusing on and giving praise to our God.

This past weekend, I volunteered at a concert for a well-known Christian artist. Through God's design, I ended up as one of the chauffeurs for the artist and the band. I had two jobs, really. My physical act of service was to drive the group from the airport to the church and then back again. My spiritual act of service was to pray for the artist.

For the past week or so, my prayers had been divided between the artist and a group of friends who were preparing for a mission trip to Costa Rica. The concert was scheduled for the same day that the mission team was heading to CR. So, when I wasn't praying for one, I was praying for the other.

While praying, something very unusual happened. The kind of thing that people don't talk about. The kind of thing that many people don't believe in. The kind of thing that makes people look at you sideways once you share.

I have been praying for discernment ever since the experience. I have thought a lot about this before writing a single word. And, I have asked for spiritual counsel before posting it. After all of that, I still believe God wants me to share...to testify and to equip you for the future.

Here goes:
I was standing outside the conference room where the band had just finished eating dinner. Two volunteers were inside the room, cleaning up. I was out in the hallway, by myself, leaning against the wall in prayer.

Out of nowhere, I felt the physical weight of two hands on my shoulders shoving me downward. The sheer force of the blow took my breath away. I blinked my eyes and concentrated on breathing in an effort to keep from blacking out. As my knees buckled, I slid down the wall and crumpled in a heap on the floor. Had I not been leaning against the wall, I am convinced I would have been knocked over, violently.

I was completely caught off guard. I struggled to catch my breath. My mind raced trying to analyze and rationalize what had just happened. Dehydrated? no... Low blood sugar? no... Anxiety? (I took my pulse - it was unusually slow) no...

I was seized by an overwhelming need to pray. I didn't know if the need was for the artist or my friends who had just arrived in Costa Rica. I only knew it was critical to pray as if lives depended on it.

I must pray. I need my Bible.

My backpack was only 6 feet away but I couldn't stand up to walk over to it. I ended up crawling on my hands and knees and pulling it open. My heart sank as I realized my Bible was in the car. Don't ask me why, but I pulled out my journal and, with great difficulty, wrote down these words,

"7:12 p.m. Heavy hand shoving me to the floor.
Standing outside --'s band conference room/eating dinner.
Faint - heart beating very slowly.
Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus."

I prayed in the hall until I could stand up (five-ten minutes?). On shaky legs, I slowly made my way to a chair in the conference room where the volunteers were working. One of the woman, took one look at me, and alarmed by what she saw in my eyes, asked if I was okay. I'm not sure how coherent I was but I shared what had happened in the hallway, that I was interceding for the artist and my friends in Costa Rica, and I needed help praying...now. I asked them to join me.

They stopped what they were doing and, immediately, took a seat on either side of me. We joined hands and prayed. Afterwards, they returned to cleaning up. I could not stop shaking in the aftermath and was so grateful to be in the comforting presence of women of faith. I stayed in the room; on my knees in continued prayer.

To say I was rattled is an understatement. One minute I was fine. The next minute I was being assaulted? What the heck had happened? There is really only one explanation that fits:

I think Satan was ticked off because of the wall of prayer surrounding the artist and my friends in Costa Rica.
I think he was ticked off because he couldn't sabotage the concert or the mission trip (although he certainly gave it his best effort).
I think he was ticked off because I was a part of that wall that he couldn't penetrate.
I think he had already prowled my hedge and couldn't find an opening.
And, I think he shoved me in frustration when he saw that he was defeated -- the equivalent of a dog throwing itself against a fence, one last time, in futility.

So what do we do when the enemy throws himself against our fence line and rattles the boundaries that keep us under God's protection?

God's Word provides the answers:

1 Peter 5:9 says, "Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings."

How do we resist him? By putting on our armor before going into battle. Ephesians 6:10-18 talks about putting on the full armor of God in order to stand up to the devil and his schemes...to pray without ceasing.

And, finally Revelation 12:11 reminds us that we have already overcome Satan by:
1. the blood of the Lamb (Jesus)
2. by the word of our testimony

Over the years, I have found that when a spiritual moment intensifies my prayers tend to do just the opposite. They simplify. My journal entry attests to this:

"Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus."

"Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."
-- Philippians 2:10-11

The name of Jesus will never fail you.

Jesus...

is always enough.

Jesus, thank You for being enough. In your perfect name, Amen.

Oaks of Righteousness

2009-08-05T18:00:00.000-05:00

"They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor." --Isaiah 61:3b

I spent this past week at a Student Life Youth Camp in Waco, TX. It was a week of blessings mixed with surprises, heartbreak, and victories. I am still unravelling everything I saw, heard, felt, and learned but one experience stands out above all others.

It was the last evening of camp. Our group of 100 + youth and leaders had joined the other 1,200 campers for worship. The music was loud. The auditorium was cold. I began to feel very ill and wanted nothing more than to leave. There was just one problem. I was sitting on the far side of the aisle. Leaving meant I would have to climb over 10-15 people just as the speaker was reaching a pivotal point in his talk -- the invitation.

So, I sat in my seat; miserable and trying to convince myself I was ok. All around me were youth and adults with heads bowed in prayer. It was impossible for me to concentrate. My only concern was heading for the exit as soon as an opportunity presented itself.

Young people began to stand up in response to the invitation to give their lives to Christ. The speaker asked leaders to make their way towards those who had said, "yes" to Christ. I took advantage of the moment and bolted for the back of the auditorium.

Just as I reached the big double doors the Holy Spirit stopped me and said,

Turn around.

My mind and my body rebelled at the thought of staying. But I turned around, walked back toward the crowd, and stood behind the section of seats filled with our campers.

I had a perfect view of our group. My attention was captured by five young men (junior high age), near the back, who were standing without a leader. Just as I wondered if I should go stand with them, I saw a big, athletic, high school student making his way towards the group. It was hard not to notice him; he stood head and shoulders above everyone else.

I watched as he positioned himself in the middle of those boys. He stretched his broad arms across their shoulders and every one of them leaned into him. Five boys and they all fit underneath the umbrella of his embrace. They remained that way while the speaker prayed. It was a powerful image.

The speaker encouraged those who still needed more prayer time to lead their groups towards the back of the auditorium. The young man gathered his group and led them to a spot just a few feet away from me. They huddled in a circle of prayer.

I sensed the Holy Spirit again,

Place your hand on his back and pray for him as he prays for his group.

I did so, all the while rejoicing at the opportunity to witness such an incredible moment.

The speaker issued a new invitation. Anyone who wished to rededicate their lives to Christ, who wished to recommit to study and prayer and relationship with the Lord...would they please raise their hands. He asked the remaining leaders to pray for those standing.

The young man who had just prayed for the five new believers raised his hand. I was the only adult, from our group, nearby.

Now I understand why You told me to stay, Lord.

Just minutes earlier, this young man had provided spiritual covering for those who had declared their faith for the first time. Now I was the one being called to provide a covering for him. I placed my hand on his shoulder and prayed words supplied by the Holy Spirit. It was a holy, holy moment.

When I was finished, he gave me a hug of thanks and headed back to his seat. Surprisingly, I no longer felt the need to leave the auditorium. I stayed in the back and celebrated what had just taken place.

The picture of the boys huddled under their leader's outstretched arms remained vivid in my mind.

Isaiah 61:3b speaks of oaks of righteousness, planted by the Lord, for His splendor. That is what I witnessed this past week and it was a glorious sight to see.

As believers, we have been planted for the purpose of displaying His splendor not our own. And, each and every time we stretch out our faith and extend ourselves on behalf of another, we bring Him glory.

Father,
You are an amazing God! You are mighty in strength. Your glory is beyond compare. Forgive me for all the times I have gone my own way; missing the opportunity to serve You and display Your glory. Give me eyes to see, ears to hear, and a spirit that is willing to obey. In Jesus' powerful name, Amen.

Thy Will Be Done

2009-07-06T17:10:00.002-05:00

"I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please." --Isaiah 46:10

Last week, I drove to Kerrville, TX in order to attend evening worship at the Mt. Wesley Retreat Center. Two hundred jr. high kids were attending Mt. Wesley for a week of fun, games, and the opportunity to explore their relationship with Jesus Christ.

I spent much of the 300 mile trip in communion with God. I worshiped the Holy One. I prayed for my loved ones. I prayed for what was going to take place that evening. People, near and dear to my heart, were in charge of leading the campers in the week's activities, teaching moments, and times of worship. My daughter and her friend had been invited to sing with the worship band that evening. All of this, I lifted up to the Father.

You might think after all that praying that I was done for the day.

But that was not so.

The leadership team and the worship band gathered before the kids arrived. They prayed with an urgency and a humility that only comes from those who are completely submitted to the will of the Father. Prayers for God's will, power, healing, strength, for the courage to answer God's call, and protection from the evil one, were spoken with fervency. It was obvious to me that the Lord intended to do a mighty work in the lives of those young campers. It was just as obvious that satan had much to lose and would do everything in his power to disrupt the evening's plans.

Later, as the kids poured into the worship center, I sat on a bench watching and waiting. I knew God intended me to be more than a spectator. It didn't take long before I recognized my assignment.

There were double doors leading into the room. Large and heavy, each time someone entered or exited the place they closed with a bang. On the surface, it may have seemed like no more than a minor distraction. But on a deeper level, it represented a subtle interruption of the worst kind...

{Bang}...and a split second later, a young mind loses their ability to focus and wonders again why they are there

{Bang}...and there is a disconnect between the heart beginning to be warmed and the praise words being sung

{Bang}...and the whisper of God's call that accompanies the pastor's message is lost

Without question, I walked to the doors in order to ease them closed each time someone passed through them. I felt conspicuous. Anyone coming in or out had to go around me. Even so, my discomfort was secondary to obeying God.

God had physically posted me at the door to do more than close it gently. He expected me to pray, with authority, over all that was happening inside, as well as that which was taking place outside.

I had my Bible with me and opened it to the Scripture lesson for the evening: Acts 1:1-11. For the remainder of the evening, my Bible remained opened to those pages.

These were the words I lifted high above my head in worship. These were the words I clung to when I boldly faced the doors and claimed, in Jesus' name, that the enemy had no authority, and had to leave the premises. These were the words I wept over when I could no longer stand up and found myself stretched out full length on the floor, weeping and shaking.

A part of me wanted to get up...I was in the way, someone was going to step on me, what if I was distracting someone? Another part of me was powerless to move. Twice, someone came and prayed over me. Overwhelmed, in God's presence, I could do nothing but remain on my face before Him.

Prompted by the Spirit, I began to pray. The prayer was simple but incredible...the same four words spoken over and over again. Thy Will Be Done. Each time I spoke them they took on new meaning.

Thy Will Be Done... and it was a plea that God move as He promised

Thy Will Be Done... and it was a surrender of my own selfish ways

Thy Will Be Done... and it was a declaration of faith in God Almighty

Thy Will Be Done... and it was a blanket of protection for those leading the way

Thy Will Be Done... and it was a stamp of authority against the darkness seeking to disrupt the holy awakening taking place in the hearts and minds of 200 precious souls

Thy Will Be Done... and I was in complete agreement with Him

Eventually, I was able to stand up again and resume my post. A young man (college age?) came up to me towards the end of the evening. He said that God wanted me to know that even though I was a small person I was a spiritual warrior. What I had done that evening, by guarding the doors, had made a difference.

His words blessed me but, not so much because I needed to hear them. No, the blessing came from the look on his face as he delivered the message to me. His expression was that of confusion and wonder.

Out of obedience to the Father's will,
he returned to a room he had already left and
spoke words he never intended to say
to a woman he had never seen before.

Out of obedience to the Father's will...

Abba,
May Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Deep Water

2009-06-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

"'Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.'

Simon answered, 'Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.'" --Luke 5:4-5

Just like the disciples in Luke 5:1-11, Jesus often asks us to go deeper after we have already put in a full day's efforts. He waits until we've exhausted our own plans, using our own methods, and then invites us to expend even more of ourselves...only His way.

His way.
The way of deep water requires us to suspend our own ideas of what does and doesn't make sense; of what works and doesn't work. He asks us to trust Him, to obey Him, to follow Him even as our brain tells us it is wasted energy, time, effort and hope.

The blessing.
Sometimes, our deep water obedience produces visible, supernatural results. For the disciples, it meant nets, tearing from the weight of the fish, in numbers so huge they almost sunk two boats (v. 6-7). It is hard to ignore Jesus when He moves in such a powerful way!

The awakening.
It is impossible to be in Jesus' presence, surrounded by the supernatural results of a miracle, without also coming face-to-face with our own sinfulness. Deep water moments render us vulnerable. Our eyes and our hearts are open to the purity of God and to the depravity of our own souls. We are shaken to our very core.

The choice.
Deep water encounters change the balance of our lives and require us to make a choice.

Do we focus on the fish and try to recreate the blessing for the sake of the experience?
Or, like Peter, James, and John, do we leave it all behind and follow the Blesser?

I want to follow Jesus into deep water...
but truthfully, I liked the old deep water where he first invited me to cast my nets. This new deep water is unfamiliar. My nets aren't coming back full. Most days, they appear to be empty.

I want to follow Jesus as he heads off down the sandy shore...
but I have been stumbling over my own feet as I have glanced back, longingly, at the blessings I left behind.

So what do I do? Stay with the fish or follow the Master?

Abba,
I need You. Every time I think this grieving process is coming to completion, You show me where I am still struggling. Forgive me for my wobbly faith. Thank You for helping me through this and for renewing my hope in the future. I long for the days when the nets are, once again, overflowing with Your bounty. Until then, Lord, teach me how to be content with an empty net and You at my side. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Do As I Say...

2009-05-29T15:45:00.002-05:00

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." --Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

My One Year Bible has been taking me through the ups and downs of King David's life. He is a study in contrasts. He was a man after God's own heart; a brave warrior, a gifted songwriter. But when it came to parenting, he failed miserably.

2 Samuel 11 & 12
When David made the decision to sleep with Bathsheba, I'm sure he never stopped to think about the consequences of his actions...a pregnant mistress, an uncooperative but honorable man, the murder of a good soldier, the death of his infant son, and an angry God.

What is disturbing to me is how David's actions with Bathsheba set the stage for the drama that takes place amongst David's other children. Step-brothers, Amnon and Absolom, are young men who lead a life of privilege. They may have overheard their father, the king, talk about the way people were to be treated. It appears that he forgot to have a father-son talk that included the words, "Do as I say and not as I do."

2 Samuel 13
So when David's son, Amnon, decides he is in love with Absolom's sister, Tamar (Amnon's half-sister), he doesn't ignore his feelings. He acts on them. He is the king's son, after all.

Amnon has the audacity to involve the king.

"Please let my sister come and cook my favorite dish..." (v. 6)

David agrees and sends Tamar to Amnon's home. Long story-short, Tamar is raped and thrown out on the doorstep as a ruined woman.

Scripture says that King David was angry. I don't know if he said anything. I don't know if he did anything. All I know is that David was angry. But angry with whom?
Surely he was angry at Amnon.
Was he angry with Tamar?
Or was he angry with himself?

He'd been duped. He was played the fool by his own kid. Ouch!

Two years pass. For two years, Absolom harbors a hatred for Amnon that goes unspoken. For two years he thinks about avenging his sister's reputation and his family's honor. For two years, he hates and he plots and he waits for the right opportunity.

He needs help with his plan so who does he turn to? His dad, of course.

"Well, then, if you can't come, how about sending my brother, Amnon with us?" (v. 26)

David agrees and sends Amnon to the feast. Absolom orders his men to murder Amnon and then flees to safety in a different city.

Once again, David is played the fool by one of his children. Once again, David unknowingly sends one child into harm's way which just so happens to be his own flesh and blood. For days afterward, King David weeps bitterly and mourns for his dead son and for the one who has run away. Heavy sigh.

David wept for his sons.

But what about Tamar, his daughter?

Who wept for her?

Abba,
I am convinced that You weep over the selfish choices that we, Your children, make on this earth. Forgive me for the grief I have caused You over the years. Forgive us for our sinful ways. And Lord? Tell Tamar I am sorry. In Jesus' holy name, Amen.

Driving Companion

2009-05-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."-- Deuteronomy 31:8

Last weekend, I made a road trip to San Antonio. On the five hour drive back to Dallas, I made the decision to leave the radio off and spend some time with God. I worked my way through a litany of praise, confessions, requests, and concerns. Once I was finished talking there was this awkward silence. What had seemed like a good idea now felt forced and uncomfortable.

I resorted to small talk.

So, this is some weather we're having.

I was only half kidding. Up ahead was a line of dark, ominous storm clouds. The outside temperature began to plunge on the digital readout. What had been the high 80's dropped to the low 70's. The headlights of oncoming traffic reminded me to turn on my own lights. I eased up on the gas pedal as my windshield wipers competed with the furious raindrops.

And, just like that, the need for small talk was gone. In its place was a companionable silence that was as comfortable as it was reassuring. It was enough to just enjoy His presence. I found myself remembering, with a deep gratitude, a few of the more memorable times God has been my traveling companion...

- Returning home from college in an ice storm, spinning out on the highway, while miraculously avoiding all other traffic.
- Heading to the airport, with my best friend, with only a map, a backpack and a train pass for a 28 day journey through Europe. (in the days before cell phones & GPS systems)
- Leaving my apartment as a single woman and entering my new home as a bride.
-The heartbreaking trip to the E.R. where they confirmed the miscarriage of my first child.
- Eighteen months later, driving to the hospital as a couple and leaving with a healthy baby boy.
- The subsequent trips that added baby #2 and baby #3 to our expanding family.
- The ride to the airport that was our goodbye to St. Louis and hello to San Antonio.
- That first day's drive to preschools, kindergartens, middle schools and high schools for my kids.
- The all night drive to Oklahoma to be with my husband's grieving family after the sudden death of my father-in-law.
- The sad drive from San Antonio to Dallas that made our present move a reality.

"He will never leave you nor forsake you."

It's true. He has been my driving companion through it all. And, at no point in my life has He ever left me or forsaken me.

A long time ago, a young family (from my husband's hometown) stayed at our home while their newborn son was gravely ill in a nearby children's hospital. When their son died, a few short days after his birth, the father chose to drive his son's tiny body back home. He could do this because he was the town's mortician. Don't you know that Jesus was in the car with them during that very sad drive back to the small town that waited with grieving hearts for the return of one of its own.

He will never leave us nor forsake us...no matter what.

Abba,
Thank You that You are a God who keeps His Word. And, thanks for all of the road trips that You have made with me over the years. I love You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Deviating From God's Plan

2009-05-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

“How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!” --Hebrews 9:14 (NIV)

For the last several days, I have been reading about King Saul and his ups and downs as ruler of Israel. (See 1 Samuel 9 – 16) In chapter 15, Saul is commanded, by God, to completely destroy the entire Amalekite nation; including men, women, children, and livestock.

Saul sets out with an army of 210,000 men. They slaughter the Amalekites but end up sparing the life of Agag, the Amalekite king, and keeping the best of the livestock. In other words, Saul decided to improve on God’s orders.

The different responses to Saul’s disobedience are marked. God regrets having ever made Saul king (v. 10). Samuel, the prophet, mourns Saul’s actions (v. 11). And, Saul, when he is called on the carpet, doesn’t think he did anything wrong (vs. 13, 20)!!

The consequences are serious. Even after Saul confesses his sin (sort of) there is no turning back. God yanks the kingdom of Israel from Saul and gives it to someone else. The whole story disturbs me to no end.

Why, since God knew Saul was going to screw up, did He make Saul king?
Why didn’t Saul show the remorse he should have once his sin was revealed?
Why did Saul feel the need to deviate from God’s plan?

Deviating from God’s plan...

The reason this story irritates me so much is because I have been in Saul’s shoes. I, too, have been given orders to follow. And, just like Saul, I have been known to modify them; sometimes because they didn’t make sense to me, sometimes because to obey would cause me great discomfort, and other times, because I was concerned about what people might think. I can recall one such instance where all three reasons came into play.

I was sitting in the Sanctuary waiting to meet someone for a preset prayer time. While I waited, I asked the Lord if there was any Scripture I was to claim on this individual's behalf. God directed me to something in Psalms. I read the verses and they all made sense to me, except for one small phrase that came across very strongly and stuck out in a way that made me extremely uncomfortable.

Minutes later, I joined a few others and we met and prayed for the individual in question. When it was my turn to pray, I began to dutifully read the verses from the Psalm aloud. But when I got to the words that made me skittish, I left them out. Our short time of prayer came to a close and each of us left to do other things.

I was certain that no one in the room had any idea that I had left out part of a verse. But I knew. More importantly, God knew.

The Holy Spirit convicted me, almost immediately. I responded with defensiveness. Nobody knows I left anything out. If I had read all of the words surely somebody would have been tripped up by them…they were harsh and strong. My job as a prayer partner is to help the individual feel God’s peace and strength, right? Speaking words that didn’t make sense would only stir their spirit up, right? Who am I, after all, to deliver strong words without any warning? The more I tried to justify my actions, the more I was convicted of my sin. I had edited God’s Word.

Things didn’t get better until I finally quit defending my right to deviate from God’s plan and owned up to my wrong doing. The next day, I found myself calling the individual who I had prayed for and asked if I could have a few minutes of their time.

Once there, I confessed to leaving the words out. I asked for forgiveness. I asked if I could pray, again, only this time speaking all of the words that I had been given to say. The individual kindly received me but I’m sure they were puzzled by the entire thing. At that point, it didn’t matter. My own misery at being out of right relationship with God outweighed any embarrassment I had been concerned about the day before. It was an eye opening experience for me.

Looking at my own episodes of deviating from God’s plan and comparing them to Saul’s adventures fills me with gratitude. Not because I think Saul screwed up in a bigger way than I have or because I am living my life better than him. In God’s eyes, sin is sin. We are equally guilty of disobeying God.

My gratitude comes from knowing Jesus. Saul was born in a time before Jesus Christ walked the earth. Even as the LORD’s anointed, Saul was condemned to sin. He died out of relationship with God. And that is where we are different. What sets me apart?

The conviction of the Holy Spirit. The strong yet subtle voice that whispers to me whenever I stray from the plan.
The blood of Jesus. My sins (all of them) have been paid for by the death and resurrection of my Savior. I am redeemed.
The forgiveness of the Father. Because He sees me through the blood of His precious Son, I am clean in His eyes.

Father,
Thank You for preserving Your Word through the ages. Thank You for the details of the lives of men and women, who walked with You, disobeyed You, loved You, and rebelled from Your ways. Forgive me for those times when I am quick to dismiss the underlying lessons within the pages of Your Word. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear how it applies to me. Thank you, Jesus for the gift of life. Thank you for dying on the cross and carrying my sins to the grave. Thank you for sitting at God’s right hand, interceding, even now, on my behalf. Show me how to live my life in a way that brings You glory. Without You, Lord, I am nothing but a shell of who You have called me to be. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

New Life

2009-05-04T11:20:00.007-05:00

"How many are your works, O LORD!

In wisdom you made them all;

the earth is full of your creatures...

These all look to you

to give them their food at the proper time.

When you give it to them,

they gather it up;

when you open your hand,

they are satisfied with good things." --Psalm 104:24, 27-28

One of the highlights of driving my kids to and from school each day is checking on "the horses." On a two lane road, nestled between a couple of modest homes, is a fenced-in field where two mares and a stallion peacefully graze. The fence line comes within fifteen feet of the street. My daughter is a horse nut so, whenever traffic allows, we slow down (speed limit is only 30 mph to begin with) to get a closer look.

About a month or so ago, we made the delightful discovery that a foal had joined the threesome. A week later, another foal appeared. There is something so enchanting about new life in the form of these wobbly legged creatures.

In the beginning, the mares kept the foals at the far end of the field. The foals rarely stood up. They spent the majority of their time lying down on their sides, soaking up the sun. The only signs of life came from their tails, swishing at the occasional fly.

As the foals have grown in size and strength, they are spending more time on their legs. The mares have guided them closer to the fence line to acclimate them to the cars and people that pass by.

Yesterday, I told my friend that I was relating to the foals. I've been sticking close to the Father. I need a lot of breaks in order to make it through a day. I'm growing in strength but life is all about the basics, right now.

She wisely pointed out that even as God does this for us, He calls us to do the same for others. Then she proceeded to cite examples where this is true in my own life. I've been thinking about her words ever since...

As someone experiencing new life:

Spend all of your time near the Parent. Look around and take in your surroundings. Eat when you're hungry. Stand when you can. Lay down when you're tired. Soak up the sun. Swat flies when necessary.

As a Believer in Christ travelling with others:

Stand near while the one experiencing new life rests. Reassure them as they try to gain their balance. Guide them to nourishment. Position yourself between them and the road/strangers. Step back at the proper time. (Prayer, fellowship, holy encouragement)

I am amazed that I serve a God who allows me to receive even as He calls me to give.

Abba,

You are the perfect parent! Thank You for watching over me as I gain strength and grow into this new life. Forgive my impatience regarding this process. Help me to trust Your plan. And, Father, thank You for those beautiful people (family, friends and strangers) that You have allowed me to travel with on this journey of faith. Remind me to stand near when necessary and step back - all in your perfect timing. I love You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Lessons in Solitude

2009-04-17T18:24:00.000-05:00

"Be merciful to me, O LORD,
for I am calling on you constantly." Psalm 86:3

A month has passed since I last wrote. At the time I journaled Identity Crisis, I did not realize I was about to enter a time of silence. As it turns out, my season of no words occurred during Lent. Coincidence? I think not.

Normally, I use words as a means of making sense of my world. I push thoughts and ideas and Scripture around and around until something rises to the surface in a point of clarity. Capturing these moments on paper always brings me closer to the Father. Since our move, I have used writing as an attempt to stay anchored to my sanity; looking for purpose in the chaos of starting over...

Interestingly, after writing about my identity crisis, last month, I found that I had nothing else to say. The Holy Spirit, who has faithfully provided the inspiration for my past reflections, was notably silent. I accepted this reality. More importantly, I knew it was pointless to try to write or to ask for something to write about.

A few things happened as I entered a month long solitude:

I quit struggling against my circumstances.
Have you ever seen a small toddler beside himself with emotion? He screams and flails, usually striking out against the loving arms of the parent who holds him. Both parent and child are bruised in the struggle. Eventually, though, the child wears himself out. Quite often, he falls asleep after all of his exertions. That unhappy child was me.

I practiced "being."
Once I settled down on the outside, I also quieted down on the inside. I'm not really sure how this took place, only that it did. I had permission to just "be" in the moment and let God be in charge of the rest. More than that, I knew that "being" was all I was capable of.

You would think that taking a month off from thinking and wondering and trying to figure things out would result in a rested, strengthened woman ready to take on the world. In fact, just the opposite occurred.

"In solitude, I get rid of my scaffolding." Henri Nouwen

Solitude brought me face-to-face with my fears and frustrations; my loneliness and my grief. I also realized that I had been trying to force my way through the grieving process, in order to avoid anymore pain. After realizing this, I spent the remainder of the month, like that small child, leaning back into the strong, safe arms of the Father while I hiccup sobbed myself to sleep.

Yesterday, I read In Luke 18:15 (NLT) where the parents brought their children to Jesus to be touched and blessed by him. Those words struck a chord. It occurs to me that that is what God has been doing for me this past month...touching and blessing; rocking and singing lullabies; holding me while I have been in this exhausted, worn-out state.

My prayers have been just as childlike:
"Help!"
"I need you."
"Please."
"Thank you."

Now that I am emerging from the Father's arms, I feel rather wobbly on my feet. Like a small child, I cry easily. I can only handle one task at a time. I find myself asking for help. A lot. It is a humbling place to be.

Jesus loves me
This I know
For the Bible
Tells me so

Little ones
To Him belong
They are weak
But He is strong...

Abba, Jesus, and Holy Spirit,
I love You. I need You. Help me, please. Thank You, Amen.

Identity Crisis

2009-03-19T09:35:00.001-05:00

"Jesus was about thirty years old when he began his public ministry.
Jesus was known as the son of Joseph. Joseph was the son of Heli." --Luke 3:23 (NLT)

Jesus was known as the son of Joseph.

Jesus was the son of Joseph, but he was more than that. He was the Son of God. Everything he did was rooted in the knowledge of who he was and why he came to earth.

At the risk of sounding completely petty, I confess that I'm feeling jealous of Jesus this morning. He knew who he was. Me, I'm having an identity crisis.

This last week or so, I have really been struggling with my new surroundings and the lack of definition they give to my life. In conversations with different friends back in San Antonio, I have tried to put my struggle into words and failed miserably..."spinning and twisting in the wind, off balance, cannot gain firm footing, no frame of reference."

My relationship with God has shifted, as well. God hasn't changed, but my ability to relate to Him has. It is all connected to the crisis that is taking place within my soul. He listens and He waits but I am too disoriented to connect well with Him.

All of this twisting in the wind has forced me to take a long, hard look at myself. Who am I? I'm God's daughter. I'm Marty's wife. I'm Andy, Claire, & Mitch's mom. I'm a friend, a prayer partner, a fellow journeyer, a watchman on the wall.

Each of those titles describes a role that I play within God's Kingdom. Over the years, I have become comfortable in these roles. I realize that I have secretly taken great pride in being seen by others in such a way. Too much so.

So here I am, in the middle of an identity crisis. Stripped of my familiar routine. Stripped of my endless opportunities to serve. Stripped of familiar neighbors, friends, church, and schools. Stripped down to the basics: God and family.

Our move is a gift of freedom from God. Deep inside, I know this. I am free from past constraints placed upon me by others. I am free from the constraints I had placed upon myself. I am free to start over. I am free to be a more exact likeness of the person He has called me to be. I know these things. And someday, soon, I plan to walk in that freedom and revel in its beauty.

But for now, I just feel naked and vulnerable.

Abba, Let all that I am wait quietly before You, for my hope is in You. You alone are my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from You alone. You are my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. Help me to trust in You at all times. (Psalm 62:5-8). In Jesus Name, Amen.

Determination and Focus

2009-03-08T10:15:00.000-05:00

"When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem." --Luke 9:51 NRSV

"...he set his face to go to Jerusalem."
This Lenten season, I have been drawn to Luke 9:51. All the events of Holy week revolve around this one sentence. Jesus knew what was waiting for him and he went anyway.

"...he set his face to go to Jerusalem."
He turned resolutely in a certain direction. His outward appearance reflected his choice. He was going to Jerusalem and nothing would stop him.

"...he set his face to go to Jerusalem."
Outward determination. Inward focus.

What does that mean for me? The obvious answer is that the the completion of Jesus' journey, which brought about his death and resurrection, resulted in my salvation. It is the reason for my joy on Easter Sunday . Still, I think there is more...

I've been pondering my own life against the backdrop of the following question: Have I ever been called to turn resolutely in a certain direction? Have I ever had to make a journey that I knew, in advance, would be unpleasant, painful, or even result in death?

The answer is yes.

Some that come to mind: Stepping away from a Bible study group. Pleasing God vs. pleasing people. Moving.

Each of these journeys resulted in the death of a relationship(s), the death of an identity, the death of a familiar and often beloved routine. Each of these journeys required putting God's will before my own. Each of them involved surrendering my need to control my own life. Each involved ignoring the voices of the world and staying focused on the whispers of the Spirit.

The cost of carrying the cross is great...
"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.'" --Mark 8:34-35 (NIV)

The painful process often results in confusion and resistance from those closest to me...
"But when Jesus turned and looked at his disciples, he rebuked Peter. 'Get behind me, Satan' he said. 'You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.'" --Mark 8:33 (NIV)

In hindsight, I can see how making each of those smaller journeys has been instrumental in leading me to this place. Each time something within me died, it made room for God's bigger plan to take place in my life and in the lives of those around me.

I am certain that there are more trips to be made. I pray that when the choice is before me, I will have the determination and focus to follow Jesus all the way to Jerusalem.

Father,
You are God! I celebrate Your Name!! Jesus, thank you for making the journey to Jerusalem for me. I love you and it is in your name I pray, Amen.

Being Called Out By Jesus - Part 3

2009-03-02T11:05:00.004-06:00

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"
"You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' "
But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." --Mark 5:30-34 (NIV)

This past week, I came across a devotional written by the late Henri Nouwen titled, "What is Most Personal is Most Universal." In it, Nouwen reminds the reader that living a life connected to God means that what happens in our personal life isn't just meant for us but for others.

The words hit home, especially in light of the wrestling I have been doing with the story of the woman in Mark 5:24-34 (see Being Called Out By Jesus, and Being Called Out By Jesus - Part 2). I said that I have been wrestling, perhaps "puzzling" would be a better description. The story has stayed with me for over a week. As I have read and reread it, I have been asking God for clarity. I have been unable to shake the feeling that there is another connection to be made before I move on.

"What is most personal is most universal." Nouwen's words are the connecting piece of the puzzle. In Mark 5, what the woman meant as a private matter (her health issue and the way she went about being healed), Jesus intended for a larger audience. He used her disease, her suffering, her healing, and her faith, all for the greater good.

I have a lot in common with the woman who reached for Jesus' robe. I have spent years reaching for the robe of my Savior in relative privacy. For me, that time is no more. Jesus has "called me out" and that is why I must write about my faith.

It makes sense now...why He has been so insistent about how I write. Always, there is His voice challenging me to be authentic, willing me to be transparent as I put my struggles and my victories out there for others to see. Not because my life or the way I write about it is so special but because my Jesus is.

It is always about Him.

Abba, I am so blessed to be loved and forgiven by You. Forgive me for the many times I take these truths for granted. Thank You, Jesus, for being my Savior. Thank You, for taking my sins upon yourself and bearing them on the cross that I might live. Grant me the faith and the courage to live my life in a way that brings You glory and honor. In the saving name of Jesus, Amen.

Being Called Out By Jesus - Part 2

2009-02-23T13:15:00.001-06:00

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?" -- Mark 5:30 (NIV)

Two days ago, I wrote a devotional, Being Called Out By Jesus, about the story of the woman with a bleeding problem who approached Jesus for healing. The story has stayed with me and I realize there is more God wants me to see.

When Jesus turned towards the crowd and asked the question, "Who touched my clothes?" I'm convinced he already knew the answer. Scripture says, "Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it." v. 32. While he may not have known the exact shape of her face or color of her hair, it was only a matter of seconds before his eyes would have scanned across the group and found her. He would have immediately discerned which one had been healed from the inside out.

God never asks a question because He doesn't know the answer. No, He asks because He wants us to realize or own up to the answer. Regarding the woman in Mark's gospel, there are three strong points the Lord is hammering home in my own heart, this morning.

1. He asks the question of the woman who has been healed because he wants her to claim the grace which was hers all along. In asking the question, he gives her the opportunity to do that which she didn't dare to do from the start: approach him from the front, submit to his examination.

2. He asks the question because we are to be witnesses as we interact with Him. Our encounters with the living Christ are not just for our own benefit. They are teaching moments for those around us.

3. When we present ourselves, in response to his question, we make ourselves available to receive His words. Because Jesus called out the woman who touched his robe, she received words that were every bit as life changing as the power that healed her. He said to her,

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34

Don't you know that she repeated those words to herself again and again for the rest of her life? I have faith! The healer said so. He said I am well. Peace is finally mine. I don't have to feel guilty about breaking the law to touch his robe. He told me to go in peace! My suffering is over. It is behind me. I am free! I am a new woman!

I realize that I saw this story, played out before my own eyes, several years ago in a worship service. I remember it so vividly because the Lord directed me to write down every detail I witnessed that day. I've always wondered why. Perhaps it was for today. This is a partial account of what took place:

It was towards the end of a worship service. The pastor spoke directly to the Body of Christ, "There are some of you, and you know who you are, that need to come forward today." The words were spoken with the authority of someone who expects a response. We all waited in anticipation.

A hush fell over the room as a young man, of high school age, slowly made his way towards the center of the room. I knew of him. This was someone who had experienced pain, suffering, and shame, firsthand. He was followed closely by a couple who served in the youth ministry program. They stood behind him in support.

The young man, with his head bowed, stood directly before the pastor. The pastor greeted him, "Brother, it is okay. You can look at me." But the young man did not look up. His head remained down; eyes closed. In understanding, the pastor explained to the rest of us that this is what it was like to come humbly before the Lord. This is what it was like to be overwhelmed in the presence of God's grace and mercy.

The pastor stooped low so that he could look up into the face of the young man. "Son, you have come before this Body of Christ to publicly declare your faith in Jesus Christ. Is that right?" The young man nodded his head. The pastor walked him through a declaration of faith. "Son, do you…?" The young man answered "yes" to each question.

Although the pastor greeted the young man as "Brother," the moment he stooped low he began calling him, "Son." (Much like Jesus referred to the woman as "Daughter.") The words that followed were heard by every man, woman and child in that room.

"Son, you are forgiven."
"You are new in Christ."
"The old is gone."
"You are free from your past."
"You are healed."

No condemnation; only love and blessing.

As the pastor spoke, I asked God, "How many here, Lord, have been afraid to humble themselves before You? And Lord, how many, even now, are physically in their seats but spiritually before You in the center of this room? I know that this young man needs to hear these words. But how many more, Lord, are you speaking to? How many, Lord? How many?"

I was deeply grateful, as a fellow believer and as a parent, for this young man who so humbly stepped forward and dedicated his life to God. I was grateful to witness such a powerful interaction. And I was grateful for the words that were spoken over him because I knew they were meant for me, too.

Thank you, Father, for calling this young man forward as a living example of someone humbled before You. Thank you, Father, for Your words of forgiveness, of healing, of strength and blessing. Help us to claim Your words and to believe them for ourselves.

Claim His grace.
Be His witness.
Receive His words.

I'm still unraveling all of this...and I suspect there is more for me to learn.

Father, You are the Teacher and I am your student. I admit to feeling overwhelmed with the magnitude of this lesson which doesn't feel finished. Help me as I ponder this story further. Open my eyes and my ears and my heart to Your truth. In the saving name of Christ, Amen.

Being Called Out By Jesus

2009-02-21T14:00:00.002-06:00

'At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"' -- Mark 5:30 (NIV)

This morning, my daily reading included the familiar story about the woman with a bleeding problem who is healed after touching Jesus' robe (Mark 5:24-34).

What strikes me about her encounter with Jesus is that she knows. She knows an encounter with him will change her life. She knows that he can heal her. She knows that Jesus is the answer to her problem.

She knows and yet she settles...

for the hem of his robe.

Why?

I search for clues within the words of the story.

Here is someone who has great inner strength. She is used to advocating for herself. Scripture tells us that for twelve years, she has sought healing. Twelve years of doctor visits. Twelve years of telling her story. Twelve years of being examined. Twelve years of pain and suffering. After twelve years, her savings are gone and she is worse off than before. Twelve years of hope upon hope dashed when no solution was found.

Worse yet, for twelve years she has been shunned. Because of her bleeding condition, she is considered "unclean." Unclean to family, to neighbors, to friends, to her community...to God. Until the bleeding stops, she is unable to present herself (and a sacrifice) to the priest for a purification offering. By Jewish law, she isn't allowed to enter the sanctuary until she has been purified. For twelve years, she hasn't been able to enter God's house and gather in the presence of His people.

In spite of this, she has great faith. And it is her faith that compels her to push her way through the crowd and approach the back of Jesus' robe; the robe not the man.

"Who touched my clothes?"' v. 30

He begins looking in the crowd for the one who has been transformed. Rather than fight it, she steps forward and falls to her knees. Trembling, she tells him everything.

The same crowd that originally provided her with anonymity, now gathers around and listens as she tells her story. They are witness to the miraculous power of Jesus Christ that has just transformed her life.

I love Jesus' response to her. No condemnation. No chastising. No repulsion.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." v. 34

That's the thing about Jesus. He doesn't want us to reach for his robe when we can reach for him. He calls us out...out of the darkness, out of our shame, out of our suffering...into his light. He invites us to bear witness to his healing power in our lives. And, he would speak words of affirmation over our lives that would strengthen and bless us for the journey ahead.

So I am sitting here contemplating the times when I have settled for the back of his robe. Many of those moments occur in worship on Sunday mornings:

Sitting in my chair, knowing I should step towards the prayer altar and ask for prayer, and yet staying glued in my seat.
Singing praises to God, wanting to lift my arms in praise, but keeping them glued to my sides because I do not want to draw attention to myself.
Responding to someone's question, "How are you?" with a polite, "Fine" when I'm really needing reassurance and a word of hope.
Going through the motions and feeling nothing at all. Offering up a plea of, "Jesus, help" but avoiding a face-to-face encounter.

Now, I realize that each of those scenarios was accompanied by the question, "Who touched my clothes?" Instead of responding like the woman in the story, I have been acting like the student who doesn't want to be called on in class; gaze averted, hoping and praying that the teacher (Jesus) would turn his attention to someone else.

Why have I settled for so little when he has clearly given me the invitation to experience so much more?

Abba, You are the God of all creation. How is it that You are mindful of me? Forgive me for all the times when I have tried to take care of my own healing by reaching for the back of Your robe and thus, avoid having to speak to You face-to-face. I am still learning how to trust my life in Your hands. Help me to hear You, the next time You call me out. And may I not hesitate to kneel before You and tell You the whole story. I do not want to miss out on anymore opportunities to witness to Your power and healing touch. Nor do I want to miss out on Your words of blessing. I love You. I need You. Guide me, Lord. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Taking Back What's Mine

2009-02-19T13:50:00.003-06:00

"I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." -- Luke 10:19-20

Not too long ago, I walked through our new home, praying over each room and anointing the doorways and window ledges with olive oil. I declared Jesus Christ as Lord of each area; inviting God to be present and glorified in every inch of this place. It is my heart's desire that we live in a way that honors Him and that every person who walks into our home feels the peace and grace of Jesus Christ.

As I made my way through the house, I couldn't help but compare it to another house praying experience. Almost two years ago, my attention was grabbed by a commotion upstairs. It was early in the morning and my children were supposed to be getting ready for school. I climbed the stairs to sort things out.

My oldest son had sleepily stumbled into the bathroom to take his shower, only to discover his younger sister washing her hair in the tub. He was surprised and furious. This was not a part of the normal morning routine, as she had her own bathroom (which she was clearly not using).

Her long hair was lathered in shampoo. She wasn't going anywhere in a hurry. Time was of the essence, so, I sent my son down to her room to use her shower. Her reaction was as strong as her brother's had been earlier.

The whole scenario was so over-the-top that it was surreal. It was one of those parenting moments where I was tempted to grab each of them by the arms, look them in the eye and demand, "Who are you and what have you done with my child?"

Eventually, they headed off to school, each convinced they had been wronged. Well it was obvious that something was wrong. This was the kind of bizarre behavior you don't ignore nor can you explain. I decided to cancel my plans for the day and stay home.

It was time to clean house...but not the vacuum and dusting kind.

Since I had never done this before, I used Stormie Omartian's book, The Power of a Praying Parent, as a guide. I started at the front of the house and worked my way through each room on the main floor. I prayed and anointed (with oil) each room. As I finished a room, I turned on the radio, stereo or computer to our favorite Christian music station. Praise music was soon pouring forth from various rooms in the house.

I made my way upstairs and continued to do the same. When I got to the last of my children's bedrooms and began praying, the electricity went out. No more praise music. The silence was deafening. It was no coincidence. The timing was too perfect to be anything but the enemy.

A few years earlier, I would have been freaked out. Not this time. I knew the power of God's Word. Luke 10:19 said that I had the authority to overcome all the power of the enemy. I was taking God at His Word. And, when the power went out and the house went silent, I was furious!

Led by the Spirit, I walked into the main room upstairs. I recall speaking aloud, directly to whatever was out there,

"Oh, no you don't! You can stop the electricity from working. You can silence the radios that were playing music. But you can't keep this house from being filled with the praises of God. In the name of Jesus Christ, Satan be gone."

Then I opened my arms wide, and at the top of my lungs, began to sing, "How Great Thou Art." Three full verses. It was one of the most powerful worship experiences I have ever had.

Wouldn't you know it, not long after I finished, the electricity came back on. Once again, praise music echoed in a resounding chorus from all over the house. I had taken back what was mine using the authority given me by Jesus, himself. Truly, the name of Jesus Christ cleans like nothing else.

Abba, You are the ultimate authority over our lives. I confess that I do not always surrender to Your plan; always to my detriment. But, Father, those times when I live in right relationship with You...they are glorious and powerful. Help me to live my life in a way that reflects and utilizes the authority that is mine through Jesus Christ. It is in his name I pray, Amen.

Asking Why

2009-02-16T12:45:00.000-06:00

'Then Manoah inquired of the angel of the LORD, "What is your name, so that we may honor you when your word comes true?"
He replied, "Why do you ask my name? It is beyond understanding.' --Judges 13:17-18 (NIV)

Last week, I woke up in a rather unusual way.

As I became fully conscious, I realized I was dialoguing with God. It turns out that I was persistently asking Him why certain things were happening in the lives of loved ones. It was such a bizarre way to start the day that it heightened my awareness of how many times the question, "Why?" has been a part of my thoughts and conversations with others, these past few weeks. Let's just say it seems to come up on a daily basis.

I like it best when life makes sense. When the events around me do not add up; when circumstances bring about pain and suffering to those I love, it is easy to ask why. But, from personal experience, I know that searching for answers doesn't always bring resolution or relief to the gnawing questions...

Why did my first pregnancy end in a miscarriage?
Why do toddlers have an endless supply of energy while their parents struggle to keep up?!
Why did my encounter with God in a little chapel in Kerrville, TX have to be so scary?
Why is it that a friend follows God to a foreign destination and is miserable and sees so little fruit from his obedience?
Why is it that our best for God still seems to end in failure?
Why?...

Recently, someone sent me a detailed prayer request. One of the requests was that God would reveal "why" He had allowed something to happen. God stopped me before the words even formed on my lips. Two things happened. The Spirit directed me to pray for the individual to have more faith - and to email a question, as a reply. The question:

"Why do you need to know?"

It was a deja vu moment. That question is one I have had to face many times since I have become comfortable talking with God. Getting to the root of my need often reveals a complicated mishmash of fear, lack of faith, pride, and a need to be in charge of my own life. Identifying my motives gives me the opportunity to confess it. Peace is an eventual byproduct of this self-examination.

All of this thinking about the "why's" of faith set me to searching. The word "why" occurs over 500 times in the NIV version of the Bible. Many of those questions are of people asking God/Jesus, "why?" Another common scenario is God/Jesus asking the people, "why?" My favorites are the times where God/Jesus explain the "why" of something to the people.

I am grateful for those times when God reveals the reasons behind certain events. I am, also, convinced there are some things that are impossible to understand this side of heaven. Until then, I'm keeping a list and it continues to grow.

Father, I feel like a small child who has been peppering You with an endless stream of "Why's". I know my frustration is showing at, what seems to me, Your slowness to respond. Forgive me for my lack of faith in Your timing. Please bring comfort and peace to my friends who are struggling with their own, "why's." Abba, help us to trust You. We need You. We love You. And we thank You for the blood of Jesus Christ which covers us. In His name, Amen.

Here For A Reason

2009-02-09T11:20:00.001-06:00

"For when David had served God's purpose in his own generation, he fell asleep; he was buried with his fathers and his body decayed." -- Acts 13:36 (NIV)

Our family returned to San Antonio this past weekend. We were blessed to be reunited with our oldest son. It was good to see, with my own eyes, that he has adjusted to his new living arrangement. It is obvious that he is thriving under the loving care of his host family. I am so grateful for their generosity.

On Sunday, we went to church. It was a day full of emotions... The feeling of coming home. The delight of seeing loved ones. The joy of being hugged well. The stirrings of the Spirit as God's people lifted their voices in song. A deep and abiding love for the people of God; His church. The knowledge that we haven't found anything like it (yet) in Flower Mound. Experiencing the pain of loss - all over again.

I listened to the Reverend Nathan Amooti, from Rwanda, preach a moving sermon on Acts 13:36. His message was powerful in its simplicity: each of us has been put on this earth for a purpose. His words reached right through my grief and spoke directly to my heart.

I have been put on this earth to do the will of God in my own generation.

I am in Flower Mound for a reason. I know this but, right now, it is hard to see His purpose in turning our lives upside down. It is too soon to understand God's reasons for bringing us here. So what do I do in the meantime?

What is my purpose?

As crazy as this might sound, I already know the answer. I am to continue on the course the Lord outlined for me, almost a year ago. (I just went back through my journals to find it). On Monday, April 28, 2008, I wrote,

"You (God) are affirming my sense that I am to focus on marriage, family and writing. I am to prepare myself for this work for the next two years. Go to Pastor R and Pastor C. Tell them what the Lord is calling me to do. I am not to undertake any leadership roles within the church during this time. Ask for their blessing and their spiritual covering over this season in my life."

Next to these words are the dates that I spoke with each of my pastors and explained what I felt God was calling me to do. Those were interesting meetings, by the way. We laughed as I turned down leadership positions for the next two years - that I hadn't been offered. They prayed blessings over me and the writing I was being called to - even though I hadn't written anything yet! They prayed over my family - even though there seemed to be no pressing need for prayer.

What a difference ten months makes. In hindsight, I am blown away by God's attention to my life...to the way He prepared me for the plans He had already set into motion!

My purpose? Until April of 2010, my focus is to be marriage, family and writing.

I confess that I do not see how doing these things will make a difference beyond my small circle of influence, let alone, in His Kingdom. That is the beauty of God. I don't need to know, or understand, or see. I just need to be obedient. If I can do that, then I will have served God's purpose in my generation. And, that will have been enough.

Abba,
You are a God of purpose and order. I confess that my vision is so short-sided that I have trouble understanding how my life and my actions could matter in Your bigger plan. And, yet, they do. I matter. The purpose You have set for my life matters. My obedience matters. I am mindful of my brothers and sisters in Christ. So many, Lord, do not have any idea what Your purpose is for their lives. Speak to them. May they stop to listen. May they not dismiss Your call. Help us to see that we are all connected. Our obedience matters. It sends ripples throughout your Kingdom even if we don't have the eyes to see. Lead us, Lord, to serve You in this generation. In Christ's Holy Name, Amen.

Tell Me, Again...

2009-02-06T10:00:00.001-06:00

“It was the Lord who appointed Moses and Aaron,” Samuel continued. “He brought your ancestors out of the land of Egypt. Now stand here quietly before the Lord as I remind you of all the great things the Lord has done for you and your ancestors. --1 Samuel 12:6-7 (NLT)

Some days I am better equipped to deal with the challenges of life than others.

Yesterday was a hard day. I was ready to throw in the towel by 9 a.m.

I needed help. I called a friend but reached her voice mail, instead. When I heard the beginning of her prerecorded message, I hung up the phone. I did not trust myself to leave a message without crying. And, I was pretty certain that once I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop.

Lord, I need you. Help me.

Ten minutes later my phone rang. It was my friend. She knew, without any details, where I was emotionally and mentally. I asked her to talk to me.

"Tell me about the Promised Land. Remind me of why I'm here."

Without hesitation, she began to tell me my story. She spoke of God's plans for my family in this new place. She reminded me of my calling, of my faith, and of God's strength. She reminded me of my responsibility to trust God to help my children find their way, even as I was finding mine.

As she spoke, I listened carefully. It occurred to me that I listened like someone dying of thirst. I knew the message but, for some reason, I needed to hear it from someone else's lips. Her words poured into me, filled me up, and renewed my spirit.

It was a still a hard day. But, the challenges before me were no longer insurmountable now that my friend's words echoed in my mind.

Father, some days I have so little faith. May I never be too proud or too weary to ask someone to remind me why I am here. I do not possess the courage or the strength to do this on my own. I need You. Show me how to live in Your will, day by day. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Climbing the Mountain

2009-02-04T12:40:00.001-06:00

"On the morning of the third day, thunder roared and lightning flashed, and a dense cloud came down on the mountain. There was a long, loud blast from a ram’s horn, and all the people trembled. Moses led them out from the camp to meet with God, and they stood at the foot of the mountain. All of Mount Sinai was covered with smoke because the Lord had descended on it in the form of fire. The smoke billowed into the sky like smoke from a brick kiln, and the whole mountain shook violently. As the blast of the ram’s horn grew louder and louder, Moses spoke, and God thundered his reply. The Lord came down on the top of Mount Sinai and called Moses to the top of the mountain. So Moses climbed the mountain." --Exodus 19:16-20 (NLT)

This morning, my attention has been captivated by the picture presented in the above Scripture passage from Exodus.

I am fascinated by the violence of God's show of power to the Israelites: Thunder, lightning, a dense cloud, fire cloaked by billowing smoke, a shaking mountain and the ever increasing blast of the ram's horn. No wonder the people trembled.

What in the world was going through Moses' head when he climbed up the mountain to meet with the Lord?

Was he scared? Was he impressed? Was he excited? Was he awed? Did he tremble? Did he take slow steps or stride with confidence? Did he measure the placement of each footstep or walk with blind obedience? And, what about his posture? Was he walking with his head bowed and eyes lowered? Or was his head thrown back, eyes wide open, in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the One who called him by name?

I love that Scripture doesn't provide answers to my questions. It gives me room to think about the possibilities. It also makes me wonder about my own response were God to thunder an invitation to do some mountain climbing of my own.

God of the universe, You command all of creation. Everything in this world is under Your authority, even the thunder and lightning. Give me the obedience to follow You wherever You call me to go. Give me eyes to see beyond earthly things and to focus on You. And, Father, give me the strength and the courage to climb wherever I must go to meet with You. In the powerful, saving name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Holy Portions

2009-02-02T12:50:00.000-06:00

"But when they measured it out, everyone had just enough. Those who gathered a lot had nothing left over, and those who gathered only a little had enough. Each family had just what it needed." --Exodus 16:18

Early this morning, I received an email from a brother-in-Christ who spoke of God's recent provision in his life. Twice he used the phrase "just enough" to describe the Lord's timely affirmation.

A short while later, I received a text from a young friend who is working his way through college. He was praising God for the abundant ways he has been recently blessed. It is evident that God has gone above and beyond my friend's expectations.

I was struck by the contrast of just enough vs. abundance in the lives of my friends. And, yet, both men were equally grateful for the portion given to them by God. It was a nice start to the day.

So I sat down to do my daily Bible study. (I am currently reading through Exodus.) In chapter 16, God introduces manna to the hungry Israelites with very specific instructions on how much to gather and when.

"So the people of Israel did as they were told. Some gathered a lot, some only a little. But when they measured it out, everyone had just enough..." Exodus 16:17-18a

"Just enough" there are those words again.

God has my full attention. I have been sitting at my kitchen table, reflecting on the just enough and abundance in my own life, especially in regards to our recent move.

If I look around this new house that is slowly becoming our home, I see the abundance of God. It is only by His hand that we ended up in this place. It is everything we had prayed for and then some. It is a place where people are meant to gather...and we don't even know who those people are, yet! So we are mindful that God has plans for us and for this home. We thank Him and wait for Him to reveal His plans.

When I watch my children get out of the car, each day, and face the challenge of being a new kid in a new school, just enough courage seems a good description. As we laugh our way through another text conversation with my son (still in San Antonio), just enough communication keeps us connected to make our separation tolerable. As I unpack an endless mountain of boxes, just enough energy gets me through another day. And as my husband makes the 45 minute daily commute to work, just enough promise of God's bigger plan makes all of this worth it.

Just enough or abundance. I have to agree with my friends on this one, either way, I give thanks to God!

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings. You feed them from the abundance of your own house, letting them drink from your river of delights. For you are the fountain of life, the light by which we see." --Psalm 36:7-9

Abba, You are the Great Provider. Forgive me for all of the times I have not recognized your provision. I confess that my eyes are ready to recognize You in my "abundance"and often forget that You are also present in my "just enough." Thank You for using my friends to deliver a powerful lesson to me this day. Lord, You are always enough. In Jesus' name, Amen.